Wife says she wants to leave

[dingo]

However, her girlfriend came over and stayed the night. I guess my problem with this is, when she said she wanted a separation, she said that she needed time to herself. TIME TO HERSELF. I think she has maybe had one or two days that she has actually been alone. Does she really want time to herself, or was that her way of saying, time without you.

Yes, she was saying she wanted time without you, or probably more specifically time with OM without feeling guilty or having to hide.

Should I mention anything? Like, "You haven't really spent much time to yourself since the separation"???

That is putting the focus on her, and coming from the perspective that she owes you something. You are saying that she made you a promise that she was going to spend time alone and now she needs to deliver on it.

The thing with a WAS is that you have to change your mindset in two ways (1) they don't owe you ANYTHING, and (2) your life is your focus, not their life.

Therefore, focus on celebrating the good life you're having, not commenting on the life she is having. You want her to see how good your life is and want to be part of it, not begrudgingly accept you into her life.

I have always seeked her out before I go to work. I tell her goodbye and have a nice day and used to end with a kiss and a hug. Do I even do this anymore? Should I just leave for work and not say anything? She never seeks me out.

This is all about nuance and reading the situation. People will give you general guidance but in the spirit of DB, you have to "do what works". For example if you seek her out to say goodbye and then stand around with puppy dog eyes waiting for her to do or say something positive, you're better off just leaving instead. If you do a fly-by with a big smile on your face and say "I'm off to work! Have a great day, I know I will" and then head out the door with a spring in your step, that would probably be a positive.

That said, if she's clearly trying to avoid you, then I would NOT do this, because you're imposing your presence on her when she's not receptive to you. You have to read the pulse and adjust your actions accordingly.

The other perspective is that if you go say goodbye to her and she gives you a sour-puss expression or ignores you, and that bothers you and has you ruminating about it all day, then you're not doing a good job of protecting yourself, and you should avoid her until she doesn't influence your moods like that.

Unfortunately this is not an easy answer.

Same thing at bed time. Do i go downstairs and tell her goodnight? Or do I just go to sleep?

Generally you don't want to be the one always initiating contact. You want to give her space to come to you. If you give her space, it makes you safe to approach.

A WAS will often feel that you are like a big pent-up dam of emotion, and anything positive that they show you will "release the river" and swamp them, that's why they are very careful to be cold and not show you anything.

If you can let them be positive and NOT come rushing in in response, you make it safe for them to be nice to you again, or a little nicer to you overall, and you can start to establish a more positive pattern of interaction.

Hope that makes sense.

May I ask how you feel about the positive changes I made last night? I'm not trying to jump in and grab the reigns, but take small steps day by day.

That was all great stuff! Keep it up.

Acc

This is a great post and information I wish I had 3-4 months ago. I did all of the things Accuracy warns against - rushing in when she leaned in, initiating contact constantly and asking her about how much time she spent with her friends when she said she needed space. It actually took me until yesterday morning and my discussion with her that "space to figure out us" really meant "space to see the OM without feeling constrained/controlled by you so I can figure out who I want to be with."

I wish I was able to do what Accuracy says below way earlier.

The thing with a WAS is that you have to change your mindset in two ways (1) they don't owe you ANYTHING, and (2) your life is your focus, not their life.

Therefore, focus on celebrating the good life you're having, not commenting on the life she is having. You want her to see how good your life is and want to be part of it, not begrudgingly accept you into her life.


I went through all of these interactions below as well. Most of the ones I viewed as positive, she accepted the kiss or said 'I love you back' she probably viewed as negative - as if it was pressure for her to do something she maybe did not want to do.

This is all about nuance and reading the situation. People will give you general guidance but in the spirit of DB, you have to "do what works". For example if you seek her out to say goodbye and then stand around with puppy dog eyes waiting for her to do or say something positive, you're better off just leaving instead. If you do a fly-by with a big smile on your face and say "I'm off to work! Have a great day, I know I will" and then head out the door with a spring in your step, that would probably be a positive.

That said, if she's clearly trying to avoid you, then I would NOT do this, because you're imposing your presence on her when she's not receptive to you. You have to read the pulse and adjust your actions accordingly.

The other perspective is that if you go say goodbye to her and she gives you a sour-puss expression or ignores you, and that bothers you and has you ruminating about it all day, then you're not doing a good job of protecting yourself, and you should avoid her until she doesn't influence your moods like that.