Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

[Ambivalent]

Hey Chasing,

I copied and pasted one of the posts from this thread and emailed it to myself.

Now as for the last big brouhaha :

I noticed it started the exact same way as the last time you tried to get him to do something...

In between you were given EXCELLENT guidance, yet it seems you didn't take it, why?

You know the one about...H. "W"ould you take the kids on this day and time and I'll have the house empty on this day and time?

This is almost exactly a format from Men Are from and Women are from...

The Martians need specificity. The need to see the issue to "fix" it. Also, to fill a love bucket, if I man says "no", it reeeeeally puts love points into their bucket if one says..."okay" and drops it. This gives them the time to think about it, a save face IF they change their mind.

What I'm seeing is ...two people trying to get their needs met , and one not be able to have time to think about something.

Your argument immediately escalated because you had expectations that he would comply with what YOU wanted.

He reacted to your statement of taking on all the burden. He hears from you...I'm doing all the work...you are not working as hard as I am...

This is heard as you blaming him.

It then goes down hill into what is known as unfair fighting.

You have pinpointed a very good thing though! You know that bringing this up at night is not good.

Perhaps, go to a coffee house, (you know the one that is on EVERY street corner now? ) Have what you NEED written down. Have what you perceive he NEEDS written down. Then calmly state what you need and ASK him a specific time and day that you can meet his needs.

If he will not meet your needs and still wants his needs met...DROP IT!!!! !!! !!! Write it down, and how you feel at that exact moment.. Bring it up in counseling and have what you have written down with you.

Share with him the feelings you feel, in the session. Do not accuse, or place your feelings above anything. State them. Stating them is not to get someone to do something...that is manipulation. It is for YOU to release them, and then let them go.

Whether he chooses to act or not is not in your control...both of you are trying to control here. Why? Perhaps because neither of you want to fail at this...He is still looking to get his needs met. You want your needs met perhaps due to the last miserable months of holding it all together.

He has shared with you his desire and need. You are expecting a reprieve. You guys haven't rebuilt trust between you to both be amenable to vulnerability.

Try taking a step back. You two are jumping into family times, without having any couple time to fill love buckets. Your buckets are dry. Work on filling those, speaking LL's.

Perhaps switch around the priority. You two first, kids come after buckets are filled, then extended family and friends?