on the edge pt 2

[dingo]

First day of going dark and its a miracle I made it to work without driving by her place or trying to contact her - but I did.

I spent some time with my mom last night and between talking to her and reading the threads here, I felt pretty good about things. It was pretty sad when I got home and the house was dark and 1/2 empty but I made the best of it, read a book for an hour or so and went to sleep.

I woke up still feeling pretty good about things and actually spent some time this morning thinking about the MR and some ways I was not good to her. Initially these thoughts gave me hopeful feelings - things that I could change when we do start to interact again.

However, the thoughts quickly turned negative. I started to think about things shes said about the OM - that she thinks she can have a good life with him, that she loves spending time with him and his son (she and I have no children)and other similar things. I don't think I have ever heard her say anything bad about him, other than admitting there are a lot of things that she and I have that she does not have with him.

Those thoughts led me to start thinking that the two of them will be happy together, have a great life and that I will be out of her life forever.

Those of course gave me this compulsion to drive by her house and if she was still home, go in and talk with her. I had to remind myself 3-4 times that this tactic has only made things worse in the past and forced myself to stay away. Then I tried to make up a reason to call her - what time did you say you were coming by tomorrow? Silly things like that. Again, 3-4 times I had to talk myself down and managed to make it into work without slipping.

This will probably be the first day in 7 years that I do not hear her voice or get a text/email from her. That and living in a home that is just a shell of what it was not 4 days ago have been the hardest things so far.