First day of going dark and its a miracle I made it to work without driving by her place or trying to contact her - but I did.
I spent some time with my mom last night and between talking to her and reading the threads here, I felt pretty good about things. It was pretty sad when I got home and the house was dark and 1/2 empty but I made the best of it, read a book for an hour or so and went to sleep.
I woke up still feeling pretty good about things and actually spent some time this morning thinking about the MR and some ways I was not good to her. Initially these thoughts gave me hopeful feelings - things that I could change when we do start to interact again.
However, the thoughts quickly turned negative. I started to think about things shes said about the OM - that she thinks she can have a good life with him, that she loves spending time with him and his son (she and I have no children)and other similar things. I don't think I have ever heard her say anything bad about him, other than admitting there are a lot of things that she and I have that she does not have with him.
Those thoughts led me to start thinking that the two of them will be happy together, have a great life and that I will be out of her life forever.
Those of course gave me this compulsion to drive by her house and if she was still home, go in and talk with her. I had to remind myself 3-4 times that this tactic has only made things worse in the past and forced myself to stay away. Then I tried to make up a reason to call her - what time did you say you were coming by tomorrow? Silly things like that. Again, 3-4 times I had to talk myself down and managed to make it into work without slipping.
This will probably be the first day in 7 years that I do not hear her voice or get a text/email from her. That and living in a home that is just a shell of what it was not 4 days ago have been the hardest things so far.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
So I am determined to stay dark and to do it for me, not her and not us. However, I did want to get some informed opinions on my situation.
In a case like this, where there are no children and a WAW has moved out, taking all or most of her things with her and given the things she has been saying about the OM and their relationship vs what she is saying about our relationship, is there any reason to believe that she and I have any hope?
I know that nobody can predict what will happen and that every relationship is different but this just seems so far gone. My guess is that she will end up pushing through the divorce, if not immediately, slowly over the next few months. She seems committed to and content with her decision and has taken the stance of 'even if this decision is a mistake, ultimately, things will work out for me somehow.'
I guess the only real potential I see is that she ends up missing me after a while of going dark. This seems unlikely because right now, she doesn't really enjoy being around me (because of all the R tension) and apparently really enjoys being with the OM. So what is there to miss? Also, she seems to have forgotten all of the good things about our R.
The other thought is that maybe in months/years, after the D is final and we have both moved on, we somehow contact each other and a new R starts.
Sobering thoughts.....
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Dingo, I am sorry for the direction things are going for you right now.
I don't think anyone really knows whether there is any hope for your M. I will say, based on your W's recent behavior and the things she says, that I wouldn't be surprised if you hear from her. I say that because she obviously is confused, or at the very least not sure about OM right now.
Who knows what might happen - she could ride off in to the sunset with OM and it will be the best thing ever. Or she could break up with OM but not come back to you. Or, she could realize, once she sees that you really aren't tolerating being Plan B, that she doesn't want to lose you. Or maybe she will see that OM isn't all she thought he was.
I wouldn't lose hope entirely, but do your best (as we all need to!) to GAL and find happiness in other ways.
Hang in there.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Hang in there dingo! You can do it. There is no such thing as the perfect relationship, she's just been experiencing the thrill... Go on about your life. Keep your intergrity and maintain your character no matter what. My XW did this exact samething to me found a new guy told me she was happy he completed her and she never felt such a connection before in her life...
Told me she wanted to let me go so I can find someone that deserved me because she couldn't anymore and the reason she was letting me go was to pursue that. lol. Well it lasted about 2 years on and off. But their fairy tale wore off really quick once I left completely(about 5months after this relationship started) I got tired and left, not saying that was the right move but I went from 220lb 12% BF to about 175lb I was a shell of myself and it wasn't pretty. I was always a jock (former football player) and had no prob with being "ALPHA" as a lot of people like to tout around here(it's kinda overrated, confidence is key) but if there was a ZALPHA I went there pretty fast. Once I got my self esteem and weight back lol, I was well on my way. Funny thing happened XW called and said "I want to work on our M I don't know what I was thinking, i'll do whatever you want me to" she'd say. Well the problem was i'd hardend my heart by then and was off galvanting with multiple women because I could and it was fun at the time but it was also damaging which is part of the reason i'm here with current W. That's why I say maintain your integrity and keep your character. I know it's tough but trust me once you let go, you'll be amazed by the results.
Get out and have some fun man. I know its hard. It's hard to believe that you can have fun at a time like this. I know first hand. But the time's I have spent with my buddies has really made me feel much more self confident, and has helped me realize that I can have fun without W.
Each time I have come home from hanging out with friends it has had this funny efffect on W.
She can't figure out why i'm so happy. What did I do when I was out that made all my troubles seem to disappear.
W has pursued me after each occasion. Sure right now she is backing off again, but it goes to show you that GAL does work to some extent.
Dingo, this is the hard part, realizing that you really have no control. We've all been there, so have some understanding of the grief your experiencing. And it is grief for a loss, so let that happen, the more you try to deny your feelings of grief, the harder it is.
Really try to concentrate on you, tho. Eat, make sure you're hydrated, get some physical exercise, if you drink alcohol, watch that because it's s depressant and you can end up doing things you regret, (drunk dialing).
It's a day at a time at this point, don't expect it not to be.
You can do this
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks for the responses guys. I know its one day at a time. Actually its more like one hour at a time right now. Everything seems to be a trigger but that is anticipated and I am dealing as best as I can.
We have our work Christmas party tonight and she and I had been looking forward to it for a few weeks before things got really bad. I will to my very best to have a good time but I am preparing myself to experience some grief that she isnt there with me.
I know nobody can predict what will happen and as hard as this is, I know it is the ONLY way for me to move forward - towards a reconciliation with her or towards my life without her.
I wish I had done those things more when she was still living at the house and I had the chance for them to have the maximum effect on her CCZ28. I got lulled back into thinking that the R was on track and also was paranoid about her taking the time that I was out to hang with the OM. It seemed so right at the time but in hindsight, it did more damage than good.
Thanks for your encouraging words as well CL. That is sort of what I have been envisioning. I have been going to the gym with a buddy from work 3 days a week so I think that has been helping a lot. I am at the point where you were - tired and sad but realizing that this is all necessary. I am hoping that with me gone, the fairy tale will wear off for her too.
It really helps to just come on here and blab away and to read your responses. Thank you all for that!!
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Stealing from a couple of other threads here but this is also great advice from melissa and something that got thrown in my face the last time my wife and I talked.
Whether we blame it on mental illness or otherwise, the point is that we tend to discount the WAS's feelings, which, more often than not, is exactly what got us here in the first place.
She told me that one of the biggest problems she's had throughout all of this is that I was selfish and tried to control her. I asked her how she felt that I did that because I obviously didnt feel like I was controlling - in fact, I felt like she was controlling me!!
Her answer kind of blew me away - She said that I never listened to what she wanted and instead tried to convince her that she would be better off doing something else (which is the things that I wanted).
Of course to me, I was 'fighting for the marriage' and 'giving us a shot' and all those other things but to her, I was just arguing with her and convincing her not to do what she felt she needed/wanted to do. Which is understandable, since she wanted to hang out with the OM and not 'work on our marriage' but I see now how counterproductive it was to do that. If I had to do it over, I would have been the one to take the leap of faith earlier and tell her to do what I finally had to tell her last night - that she needs to do what she needs to do but that I wouldn't be second place - and take the leap of faith myself that she would come to the conclusion on her own.
I have noticed that some of these lessons are very very hard to learn until you have experienced them. I never ever ever felt like I was doing the wrong things or making the wrong moves. I read everything about what I should be doing, took notes, made lists but when it came time to apply, i went with what i felt was right instead of trusting what I had read.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
I have found that with DB you don't understand the parts you are working on until you have moved through it. That's why taking the vets advice is so important.
What you have just realized is major and you are right - it takes time getting there! Now stick with the advice, stay on your path and do not backslide.
Go GAL! All the best!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Stealing from a couple of other threads here but this is also great advice from melissa and something that got thrown in my face the last time my wife and I talked.
Whether we blame it on mental illness or otherwise, the point is that we tend to discount the WAS's feelings, which, more often than not, is exactly what got us here in the first place.
She told me that one of the biggest problems she's had throughout all of this is that I was selfish and tried to control her. I asked her how she felt that I did that because I obviously didnt feel like I was controlling - in fact, I felt like she was controlling me!!
Her answer kind of blew me away - She said that I never listened to what she wanted and instead tried to convince her that she would be better off doing something else (which is the things that I wanted).
Of course to me, I was 'fighting for the marriage' and 'giving us a shot' and all those other things but to her, I was just arguing with her and convincing her not to do what she felt she needed/wanted to do. Which is understandable, since she wanted to hang out with the OM and not 'work on our marriage' but I see now how counterproductive it was to do that. If I had to do it over, I would have been the one to take the leap of faith earlier and tell her to do what I finally had to tell her last night - that she needs to do what she needs to do but that I wouldn't be second place - and take the leap of faith myself that she would come to the conclusion on her own.
I have noticed that some of these lessons are very very hard to learn until you have experienced them. I never ever ever felt like I was doing the wrong things or making the wrong moves. I read everything about what I should be doing, took notes, made lists but when it came time to apply, i went with what i felt was right instead of trusting what I had read.
Don't be so hard on yourself there really aren't any right or wrong answers it's all about living and learning. There are somethings that no matter what you would have chose the outcome could've very well still been the same. None of us here are experts no matter how simliar the situations are or how briliant the advice seems. Truth is your sitch is you sitch and hindsight is always 20/20. Try not to dwell, feed the positive starve the neg...STAND UP!
