(((Hugs))) to you lost. I know what you mean... my H was silent about the D for 2 months...then last week he brought it up and I just wanted to scream. Take some time to relax, don't be hard on yourself for crying.
No you don't always have to answer every call from him. Sometimes you can not answer, leaving him to wonder what you're up to. And call back or text the next day etc.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Ok well H called again today. His first question to me was did I still want to go through with the divorce? If I did he would have to file soon. The whole atmosphere of the conversation seemed to be he was already set on filing. However, we did follow up with some light banter. I was a bit bitter sounding in the beginning but I had to remember to leave it alone. I'm pretty sure I already screwed up because when he asked me if I wanted to still divorce I just froze. I said "If that's what you want."
....right after the phone convo I realized that's exactly what I wasn't supposed to say. So I did text him immediately afterwards: I don't want the divorce, but I understand why you do. I don't know if that was the right thing to say, but it seemed better than to just let him think I wanted one. No response yet. I'm still shaking. I feel like I've screwed up all my chances. But other times, I feel like he was set on his decision no matter what I said. I don't know. I feel like he's not going to call again after the divorce is filed. When is it time for me to give up? To move on with my life? Yes, I still want this marriage more than anything. But, not to the extent that I'm giving myself false hope. I really could use some advice.
This is at least the second time he has asked right? I think you need to be a bit more mysterious and unavailable. Let his calls go to voicemail, put a few days inbetween responses. He's calling you right? Out of the blue or with a purpose?
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
If he's outright asking you if you want a D....I don't know if its DB, but I say being honest is best "I would still like to work our marriage, but I know right now that may seem impossible"
Since you sent the text, I'd say let him have space to think things through and try not to worry about it.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Well update, to clarify what he's thinking to add to the above. Ok, so I'm not sure what to think of all of this. Has anyone experienced this?
So after the text he called again and said some really hurtful things. Things like he never loved me and we will never get back together. Of course I cry again. God, his voice is just filled with so much hate towards me and it continues on. I'm really not sure where it's coming from. I guess for him to say he did not love me was the most hurtful part. He wants to file for divorce. He keeps referring back to the fight that led to the separation between us. I don't know why he keeps bringing that up, and I've mentioned several times I'm sorry. It's like he wants me to take blame for the entire downfall of our marriage over one fight that I initiated.
I asked that he postpone the divorce simply because of school I had no time to deal with a divorce. And he asks how much? I said Idk a couple of months? Just until the end of the school year and holidays. He said OK I'll file in a year, but until then NC. Ok, first of all I was ok with NC. He was the one who initiated contact the last few times. He's acting like I'm just calling him out of the blue. Secondly, I didn't ask for a year, but whatever...I'm not going to say anything yet until I figure s*it out in my own life.
So this is super confusing. I am super vulnerable and weak right now. I need some strength right now, because if I ever had any off weeks, this would be the jackpot. I am so very cool with being NC, and I was until he contacted me. I was starting to focus on my own life, and starting to find my happy place. It's just when he calls me I feel all this negativity and hate that really pushes me back a few steps. How do you guys focus on yourself when your spouse is pissed off and spewing hateful bile at you?
You will be able to get back to a more happy place. Implement the no contact, even if he contacts you for nownif may be best to just not answer as Kdog suggested.
That will end you having to hear his hurtful words. Detaching will also help with no letting his words affect you.
Get back to you and working on the things that are important for you to continue on a positive path. Positive music and quotes help me to focus on good things.
I hope the rest of this week is better for you.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
If he speaks to you like that, he has no respect for you. You cannot demand respect, but you can stand up to him disrespecting you. If it gets to that point on the phone, calmly tell him you do not appreciate being disrespected and will talk to him when he is able to speak without being vitriolic.
You immediately need to apply Sandi's 37 rules. Be mysterious. Wait a few days in between calling him back. Act as if you're happy without him. He needs to feel like he is losing you. You need to detach a bit more. Don't answer his calls for a few days. As many on the board have shared, if he files for divorce, it's not the end of the fight.
What kind of 180's have you done? What can you do now to immediately improve your quality of life and yourself as a person?
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Mimi I agree, I think right now detaching is my best choice for finding peace, at least for now.
Kdogs-I have actually been getting out much more than I have ever before and have been exercising. I have found a new friend that likes to do outdoor activities, and he is also in the science field like myself which makes him great company. The only stresses I have aside from divorce is facing the inevitable fact I'm going broke without a job. I'm now trying to figure out where I'm going to live a month from now. I have been applying to jobs like crazy and no bites so far. All the research jobs seem to be concentrated in San Diego and San Francisco which I have no desire to move to until I finish my grad program. I've even applied to seasonal retail jobs that don't seem to want to hire me, as in LA you have 20 more people competing for the same job with more experience. As I've mentioned before, the whole financial situation is also depressing me. If I had control of that, I feel like I could control other aspects of my life, such as my happiness. :P
It's been awhile. Been keeping NC with H since I've last been here. (With the exception of him emailing me about some stuff he left. I told him I would set it aside for him and leave it in the landlord's office.) I feel like we're going to be separated forever, but right now I'm okay with it. I actually like the alone time thinking to myself. My little cat has been keeping me company alongside with driving me nuts. I've also been taking up everyone's offers to go out. It's a really nice distraction to hang out with friends and forget about all my problems.
I have still been slightly depressed with all the holidays coming up, so my doctor upped my bipolar meds for awhile. I think it will be a very hard time, but I feel like I can get through it. It's a tough year, but I think this year will make me a better person in the future. I can actually see the light, and I know it will be a long time getting there. But right now, I feel like everything will be okay as long as I keep going this way.
As long as you're learning your lessons, you will definitely be better b/c of this year. Keep up the positive outlook, I'm glad you are seeing the light; keep working hard and it will get brighter
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
