Reaching out for support and advice!!

[melissag]

Thanks Melissa
I just don't get it, though. Why does my H just 'exist'? He doesn't leave or file divorce. He doesn't want to work on our M. He just goes through the motions of life.

If asked (Which I don't do anymore) he gets incredibly angry and cannot even hold a normal human conversation. Why can't he just say I'd like to move in (fill in the blank) direction?

How can they look at their family and not know if they want to do everything they can to keep them together?

Well, I won't pretend to know what your H or my H or any other WAS is thinking, but I'll take a crack at this anyway.

I think that the WAS doesn't know what he/she wants to do.

I think that the WAS is in a very selfish place, and convinces him/herself that everyone in the family will be happier if he/she is happy.

I think the WAS has no idea what makes him/her happy. Or maybe thinks one thing makes him/her happy one day, but then something else the next.

I know that my H is SO much happier now that he feels he has no obligations. (I won't argue this point right now, ha ha.) He feels that he can do whatever he wants to make himself happy, and doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. The obligation, I think, is what makes a lot of WASs feel trapped. And once they are set free (whether by BD or physical separation), they no longer feel the need to immediately D. But - they also are not even close to being ready to R. So there they are, in sort of a limbo land. And that's fine with them, because it's better than either of the other options.

I also think that a lot of WASs, once they get to this in between state, want to test out a new life while not completely leaving the old one. I hate to say it, but I think it's true. Because, I think that for most WASs, it's harder for them to walk away than the LBS thinks, or than the WAS makes it seem.

Also, with respect to the family, maybe someone else can throw in his/her two cents, but I can only come up with (a) because of WAS's life experience, beliefs, or whatever, he/she doesn't think that D is a big deal for families; or (b) the WAS is just being incredibly selfish and can see nothing past his pain and misery. He tells himself that he does NOT want to break up the family, but that he has NO CHOICE because he is so miserable and the M is utterly hopeless. (And most likely, it is all the LBS's fault.)