Dealing with Uncertainty...

[NeedingMore]

Hello! I tried to post a couple of months ago and I am not sure what happened, but I had to re-register and here I am now! I have been reading many posts here and following along with some of the threads, and it has helped me so much already. Here is my sitch:

Let me start by saying I am boyfriend busting, not divorce busting so that is one reason that I didn't try to post again sooner. I am very confused how my relationship plays into all of this being that we are not even married. That is the problem that got me here, my pressuring my BF to get married...and I ended up pushing him right out the door! We have been together for four years, and lived together for two until Aug. 1 2013 when we moved apart.

Geez, it is hard to know where to start but I will try to sum it up.

We started out casual and fell madly in love. I was recently separated at the time and I thought it was just a rebound situation. It turned out that we were inseparable! So in love!

About a year into our relationship I decided that I needed a break because I was having thoughts of being free and single and since he was in between jobs and trying to figure out his career, I thought we may not be ready for a relationship. I was questioning it all and I broke up with him despite still being in love. This is my biggest regret but something I felt I had to do. He was devastated. I was very honest with him the whole time and we still saw each other, but I was pretty much doing my own thing. After about 6 months and when I realized he was actually moving on, I decided I had enough fun (didn't have that much anyway), I missed him terribly, and I knew I didn't want to lose him. He was amazing with my 2 girls, he loved us all so much. We decided to move in together and talked about getting married once our careers were on track.
Madly in love again...living together was a dream.

Everything was great for the first 6 months. Then I lost my job. I found a new one and that didn't work out. Then I found another which went up in flames as well. Finally found a new job and it was good at first but it didn't end up being what I thought. Needless to say I was very financially stressed out, and BF pretty much acted like it was my problem. His career was still in limbo (he is trying to become a firefighter and works 2 jobs, one volunteering and the other didn't pay much). We were always strapped, but never blended finances. He moved into my place so just paid me rent and I took care of everything else. I became pretty depressed, which I know caused me to push him away. He was always so sweet and loving and supportive, until it came to finances. Everytime I told him how I was going down financially, he would say he didn't know how he could give me more money, and would get mad. I tried telling him that I didn't need ore money, just a plan! I just wanted him to help me decide if we should get a cheaper place (rent was a lot), or do some cutting back, etc. Basically wanted him to work as a team with me. This took such a toll on us, because I could not understand why he turned a blind eye when I was struggling.

As I was getting into my new job, I was playing catch up financially, my ex- MIL passed away. We were always very close, despite my split from her son, the father of my children. I was so sad and grieving and on top of the finances, I just lost it. I tried to get through to BF and got 5 Love Languages for us to read. He tried, but we didn't stick with it. I tried emailing him and asking for specifics from him, since I had read somewhere that men need specifics. That didn't work. I got so frustrated and I began telling him I wanted to break up. He said no, I was just depressed, stressed, etc. but never offered any solutions to the issues. I asked him to help me look for new places and he would just say that we couldn't afford to move. I was desperately trying to tell him that we couldn't afford to stay!
Long story, but I ended up giving him an ultimatum...and we fought. Something that we never did, and cannot stand to do with each other. He really is the nicest, most loving person I know. I forced him to talk about our R and pushed so hard that he ended up saying that he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to marry anyone, even me. I was extremely fragile and hurt at this point. I broke it off...and we decided to move out. I changed my mind after I was too late and he got a place with a roommate.
Begin humiliation phase...begging, crying, apologizing, trying to fix. He was very distant. I ended up moving 1 1/2 hours away, to my moms. It has been four months.
Sorry this is so long...
When we parted he said it wasn't over he was just confused and that this would be the best thing for us to do. He said he was sick of me playing games and breaking up with him but he still loved me and "everything will work out".
For the first 2 weeks I initiated texting only. He would always respond but never initiated. After two weeks he started to initiate, saying he missed me etc.
We started to see each other and gradually chatting more. We see each other about once a week now, if possible (still plans mostly initiated by me), and we are making love and going on dates.
The times we are together are wonderful, like old times, except that he is still somewhat guarded I can tell. I have been DBing, and I know that is what has been working...but I feel like we are in limbo now, and I had a big setback on Thanksgiving when he made plans without me and I was upset. He had avoided the topic and ignored me when I asked about it even though he knew I would not have my kids and could be with him. I was very sad, and he apologized the next day, twice, but I feel that caused him to back off a little bit. I haven't heard from him in a few days...and when I saw something he posted on instagram that I didn't like, I said something last night (very nicely) and I am worried it was another backslide.
The problem for me is my insecurity. No matter how much contact and how great things go, I am still scared that we will not move back in together.
Since the split, we have both gotten new jobs, mine starts next week. Things are looking up on all counts and I am moving back near him, but I know he won't be ready to move in and I am having such a hard time with the uncertainty.
I have come here for some clarity, since I think I may be being irrational.
I have issues from my marriage ( my husband up and left me out of the blue one day...which I now know wasn't out of the blue, but it was very traumatizing for me needless to say). I think this has trickled over into this relationship and I just want to fix everything and get my sweet, loving boyfriend back. I have so much guilt. I am scared I may lose him for good.
Maybe this is what I get for breaking up with him the first time...and hurting him. I don't know.
Help!

[Cadet]

Welcome to DB

Have you read the DB or DR book?
Start with that.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your BF is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

[AnotherStander]

Nicole, welcome to the forums! It sounds to me like you're putting a lot of pressure on your BF. You probably don't even realize you're doing it.

I have issues from my marriage ( my husband up and left me out of the blue one day...which I now know wasn't out of the blue, but it was very traumatizing for me needless to say). I think this has trickled over into this relationship and I just want to fix everything and get my sweet, loving boyfriend back. I have so much guilt. I am scared I may lose him for good.

Clinging to him is not going to "fix everything". I get the sense that this is what you're doing. Instead you need to back off! Give him time and space. Have you read DR? Read that first if you haven't, then you might check out Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". It does a good job of describing the distance/ pursuit cycle. Right now you're pursuing and your BF is distancing. Your natural inclination is to pursue even harder, but that just pushes him farther and farther away. Guys are not attracted to clingy women!! So when he pulls back, instead of pursuing you need to pull back too. He doesn't want to have Thanksgiving with you? No problem, you've got your own plans! He doesn't call or text? No biggie, you're busy! Pretty soon HE will start thinking he's losing YOU, then HE will start to pursue. Play it cool, let him come to you. Be mysterious, be independent, show PMA, get out and GAL.

[NeedingMore]

AS, THANK YOU!

I needed that. Yes, I have read DB, I feel like a million times! When we first moved out, in August, I wasn't sure how to act because I knew I was pushing him away...but he was not telling me it was over!

Ten I remembered DB and I got back into it. I completely backed off...and yes...he started initiating. In reality, we started communicating regularly again only 2 weeks after we split...and each month since there have only been a handful of days that we haven't. So, I was thinking that we were back on track and pursuit wasn't bad. Then with Thanksgiving, he saw me emotional for the first time since we split. He apologized for hurting my feelings, and I know he felt bad but with him backing off again this week, I suppose it is the typical reaction.

Back to the game...it is really amazing how the smallest of backslides makes such a huge difference.

I start a new job tomorrow that is back in the same town. I am so happy, it is such a fresh start. Every time I have gone down there, I have stayed overnight with BF...this time I am going to stay with a friend.

TY!

[NeedingMore]

AS,

I just finished reading excerpts from Dobson's book. I wanted to thank you for the recommendation. I am already feeling better, and more confident. Seriously, I think about when my BF and I were doing fine, and I was working, busy, confident, and in love!

I am buying this book for sure. I feel so pitiful just thinking back to a few days ago when I was sad about Thanksgiving.

[NeedingMore]

Journal time...

Since my Thanksgiving backslide, BF has only initiated contact with 2 texts. I have only texted him 2 times also. Prior to Thanksgiving we were texting back and forth regularly again. I just don't understand him.

He would text me I love you, goodnight, how was your day, I know your busy, but I just wanted to say goodnight and I love you...he would text me pics of random stuff that he saw or tell me about his day. Now, nothing.

It was like he was close to being back to normal, and now nothing. It makes me feel really worried, and bad...like I did something wrong.

When we are together, we are very physical...we go out and hold hands, he rubs my leg under the table, etc. Our favorite thing to do is find good places to have good beer. We always toast and he always says "cheers, beautiful."

I got a new job at a very exclusive country club that I will start tomorrow. He tried to act happy for me but said "now you will find a nice sugar daddy there".

Why is he saying these things and spending this time with me and now backing so far off?

My new job is a huge boost to my confidence, because I have been out of work for awhile.

I went back to college, an online college and that has been helping me focus on something else, but BF knows that I am living with my kids at my moms...consumed with school, and therefore I don't think he thinks I have a life. I do need to GAL!!

When I have done social things, he comes to me...like when I went to a friends 40th b-day party on Halloween. He was texting me like crazy. And invited me to his work that weekend.

I hate thinking about what he is doing without me.

Why is this man so confusing?

[NeedingMore]

Here are the things that I have done:

Since we moved, I have lost 10-15 lbs. I did not try to do this, and I was not overweight to begin with. I am a healthy person in general, and exercise and do yoga regularly. Yoga is heaven sent! It has really gotten me through so far!

BF has lost weight too. At first he would mention how he misses my cooking. So, now, I cook for him and bring him frozen food. He loves this. Whenever he eats my food through the week, he texts me pictures of it and tells me thank you and how good it was.

I thought this was a relationship 180 because towards the end of living together, I was very angry and made him feel bad when I cooked because I paid for most of the groceries and did all the work.

Since he is not communicating this week, I am not bringing him food...should I stop this all together?

[slow_it_down]

If he's not communicating its a good time to give him space. If he mentions missing your food maybe make something but don't drop by with stuff until he seems ready to interact again.

I know it's hard to not know what he's up to but ya just gotta let him have time to sort things out on his own.

[JuneReN]

No communication = no food?

This is not a punishment for him not behaving how you would like.

You admitted you backslid, just pick up and carry on.

You are also in the "I will hurt first so I don't get hurt again" vicious cycle.

Your H left you the first time and I bet that a lot of this behaviour has to do with putting up walls.

GAL always works. It works for you and if you are wondering what he is doing the reverse is true, I promise.

[NeedingMore]

Thanks Slow and Kate's_place...

I haven't heard from him in 6 days. I texted him to say hi and I love you on Tuesday. He texted back "hi cutie, my day is good so far. I hope yours is great . I love you too."

I didn't ask him about his day.

I haven't heard from him or texted him since.

Before the backslide, we were texting normally everyday. Is this normal? I am so confused as to how to DB. Do I initiate? I have backed off...but that's not normal, for me to back off completely. Can I text to see if he is OK? This all seems so immature and stupid. I feel like I am playing a game all alone. Does he even care? IS he wondering about me? Why is it so hard?

I started my new job yesterday. I am here (in same town as BF) commuting to work but staying with friends. I normally stay with BF when I come down, but I haven't talked to him so I am staying elsewhere.

I don't know if I should let him know I am here or not. He might wonder why I am not letting him know my plans.

I work all weekend, and on Monday night there is a Christmas party at the country club I work at. VERY NICE place, sounds like a lot of fun. I cry when I think about going without him, since nothing seems fun anymore without him. Should I invite him? I was thinking about inviting him, and then he will know I have started work, and if he says no...I will say "ok no big deal, it was last minute for me too since I just started.." If he says yes, I think we will have an incredible time. I am worried about him saying no though since he excluded me from Turkey Day.

If I do this it has to be today since it is Friday and he will need time to think about it, and I have to RSVP tonight. I was intent on no contact, but given our sitch, I am not sure what the right thing to do is.

Any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks.