on the edge pt 2

[sandi2]

This may seem reactive and impulsive but I will not be plan B and don't want to put myself through a separation where I abide by the agreement and she doesn't.

I'm sure it is reactive, but also very understandable. It is very good that you decided not to be plan B. Good for your own self-respect. As for the difference of views on the S, I don't think she ever intended on not exploring what's out there, but I suppose you could say that's mind reading. Here's the thing, she was putting you on the back burner until she saw how things would go with OM. But you were seeing a separation as a time set apart to save the marriage. She would agree to what you wanted to hear her say, but the thrill of a new romance was more powerful for her.

Obviously I am having a very hard time with this. While I haven't cried, my wife has experienced me rationalizing, begging, coercing and forgiving her steps across our relationship boundaries. I feel like I have done a pretty poor job by doing all of that but she has always held the divorce card as her trump - knowing that I don't want that. Is she saying that she really wants me to give her a divorce? That seems to be the only thing I can do to stand up to her at this point.

No, I don't believe she is really saying she wants you to give her a divorce. If she had divorced you first....and then had a fling with OM, that would have been more respectful to you. But one thing that is very difficult for the LBS to understand is how the WAW wants to hang on to both worlds. She wanted to have part time with you and part time with OM. Whenever a woman tries to have more than one man at a time she will experience confused emotions if she has to pick which one she wants. It's crazy....and a lot of game playing.

I believe you can move forward, drop the rope, and go dark by ending contact with her, and live your own life. You don't tell what you intend doing, just act on it. You don't have to rush into a divorce. Right now you are in a lot of pain.....and you are reacting. However, you may have a change of heart once she has a change of heart.

I know its never too late until the papers are signed but how does she ever gain respect for me knowing that I know she is continuing to contact the OM and not kicking her ass out the door?

Do you see a divorce as symbolic of kicking her out the door? I can tell you want her to respect you. Think it over carefully. Are you still trying to get a reaction from her? Even if it is over, would you push the D to get her respect? It is important to be honest with yourself about your motivation behind your actions.

I am not using the divorce as a threat to get her to reconsider or come back. I am using it as a way to set her free from me and me free from her. No more boundaries either way, she can do what she likes and I can do what I like. Right now, I am the only one respecting the boundaries and it obviously doesn't give me as free a life as I would otherwise like.

It will set you free legally. Maybe in time it will free you up to be able to move on emotionally. But as you know, it won't stop the pain you feel now.

I was going to say a lot more, until I read you last post. My advice is that you not be home when she comes to pick up her things tonight. Stay away from her and do not accept any of her calls. Absolutely don't be available to her to talk about anything, until you have had more time to think through this and give your emotions more time to calm. And while you are doing that, get legal advice ASAP. Protect your finances ASAP! Get your money and open another account separate from the old one. Call your creditors and eliminate her name from your cards. Any other way you can protect yourself, do it now. It doesn't matter that she has a good job, protect yourself.

In short, I'm saying there are other things that are more important than telling her to proceed with a divorce right now. Those are just words. I dare say she probably expects you to say those very things tonight. But if there is the slightest chance you still want her, don't jump the gun here. Give it till the end of the month at least. She is not living under the same roof with you, so it is not urgent that you see how fast you can D her. It might make a difference, but at this point I don't believe it would...b/c she is going to try the single life with or without your approval. You have seen the signs for quite some time.

If you will REALLY go totally dark, I think it could have similar effects that a divorce would have on her. But you would have to distant yourself emotionally or it will eat you up. If you decide to take this route first, then we can give you support in how to do this. You could do it while you give yourself more time. It would be better than pushing for a quick D and then be sorry. Talk about wrong decision, for her to hear you tell her to proceed with D and then try to back out.

Just make certain that a divorce is for "you", and not as anything else. Don't pursue a D in order to get her respect... b/c frankly, I don't think it that's what would be accomplished. I can talk more tomorrow, or after I hear back from you.