SM34's Post

[MrBond]

Maybe I'm missing something here.

She hasn't been with the OM in two weeks and yet you don't talk to her and yet you are in the same house together. Have you ever thought that this was her way of initiating contact with you again?

Are you trying to save your M or not? It sounds like you're waiting for her to fall on her knees and beg you back. You can't just "expect" things to get better unless you actually start opening some doors.

"MrBond, what do you mean by 'together on your own'? Little confused.."

By just the two of you together.

"We live together. She has a job now. She does her own thing and I do mine. I don't touch her, I don't call her, I don't message her unless its about our D."

Why not?

"I have tried to be as separated as possible."

Why?

"I was going to suggest we live separately soon,"

Why?

"Anyway, I try to spend as much time away from w as possible. I sit physically apart from her when watching tv."

Why? You could actually try something small to see how she responds. I don't get what you're trying to do.

"In fact I try to imply that I'm moving on whenever i have the chance."

Why?

"But a vacatuon together? What, would we get two hotel rooms? We haven't slept I in the same room in a year."

So? This could be a positive start. Right now you're letting your pride get in the way. If you don't plan to start having ANY positive interactions with her, why don't you go ahead and file already?

[SM34]

MrBond, the truth is, I'm confused!! Feeling down on my self. Thank you for being here for me. Please help me get back on track, I'm not ready to quit.

I've been completely confused as to what to do. When I engage her, we have an awesome time and we laugh and joke and even flirt a little sometimes. But then I read threads here and people are being told to back off and do your own thing. Also the advice is to not be a 'friend' if they are seeing someone else.

I don't want to quit. This is important to me. I want my family, and I want a good future for all of us.

So, MrBond, can you help me? I need to know what you think should be my position towards her given the time that has lapsed and her lack of wanting to actually leave me. I mean she doesn't seem to want to let go of me and I guess that's a good thing, but it also makes it harder in some ways.

Do I take her and oir daughter on vacation? Vacationd used to be our way of bonding with each other. We used to go in vacations four or five times a year and I believe it is what kept us close.

When we ran into financial difficulties three years ago, we stopped going at all. And everything went downhill from then on. She has said many times that we don't DO anything and life is boring

If I go on vacation, am I not giving her cake to eat? See how confused I am? I want to ignore that advice and just dive into being the awesome guy i know she likes, and having fun and doing stuff with her, but I stop myself because I've read so much about not giving them what they want.

Am I missing something?

I want to vacation. In fact, I NEED to vacation. Its beena long time and i have worked hard, and i have earnd it. But does it make sense?

Mrbond you have no idea how I felt when I saw you were responding. I'm have a cr@p morning and trying hard to keep the negatives out.

Last night she said 'Did you read my messages about our vacation?' ...

I was still not sure how to appreciate it. I said yes but not enthusiastically. . She said...

'You love vacations. I thought you would be all over this!!'

Did I screw it up? Should I start planning something? She loves surprises and if she thinks I haven't planned anything but then i have, it would be HUGE. She harbors bad feelings about ne not planning our vacations well.

Help!

[SM34]

Last night D3 was calling out, 'Daddy, daddy'. She came and grabbed my hand and pulled to her little play table where she was eating mac n cheese. She sat me down and started feeding me with her spoon...lol

Point is, wife started recording video and had a huge smile. She then sent the video to just about everyone we know...

These are the moments that confuse me. She loves being around as a family. She even enjoys being around me, even alone. She says things like, 'lets go out to dinner', or 'can't wait until D3 is in bed so we can relax'.

But yet she hasn't ended her affair or done snything to suggest she is rethinking her position.

It is very very clear she doesn't want to move out. But also sometimes it feels like she is warming up..

I think lately it has been me being icey towards her. As I said in the post before this, I'm confused. This is getting tougher for me not easier.

There is no spew or negative talk anymore. Every once in a while she will seem a little angry but not sure if that's me or OM.

She has developed severe bronchitis and is now bed ridden most of the day. Her doctor told her these things are usually related to stress and depression when there is no history. She has been deep sighing for months, as if a gorilla is sitting on her chest.. depression is no joke.

Im over doing it now on the posts I think. I keep hoping there will be more responses awaiting me because I really need some morale boosting, and advice.

Ill stop now.

[Accuray]

SM34,

I wouldn't change course because Mr. Bond has asked you some questions -- you don't want to fall victim to guardrail steering.

He asked you a lot of "why" questions. It's important to know why you're doing what you're doing.

Why have you chosen your current course? If your W is warming up to you, maybe what you're doing is working and you should continue.

What's going on with OM? Does she see him regularly? Is it a PA? How often do they see each other?

You need to decide what YOU want to do, what is right for YOU and your sitch.

Here's a couple thoughts for you:

Being an LBS is tough, you usually have repressed anger, frustration, and wrestle with hope. You hope your actions are having an impact, you hope that something the WAS did can be interpreted as a positive, etc. etc. When you get your hopes up, you're often disappointed which pushes more anger and sadness into your hopper to deal with.

Being an LBS can be even tougher in a cake-eating situation, because the WAS is getting what they need from two people -- she gets the father for her child, domestic partner, companion etc. from you, and can get the romance, validation, encouragement and excitement from OM. If she can keep both things going, it can work out really well for her if her conscience doesn't bother her.

You, on the other hand, are getting the cost of a marriage without the benefits.

That's why vacations with a WAS can be tough -- it's very difficult to go into them with no expectations. You may see it as a step toward reconciliation, but she may see it as a diversion, as an investment in the status quo, etc.

If you go on vacation with expectations and those expectations are then not met, you can get angry / sad / sulky, and you are literally trapped with her until the vacation ends -- it's difficult to escape to work out your emotions.

One reason to go dark / dim / limit your contact as you have been doing is to protect yourself -- to NOT get your hopes up. To detach your emotions from the WAS. Is that why YOU are doing it?

WRT the vacation, I would ask yourself if you can go into it with no expectations. If you go and she treats you poorly, can you still have fun? If you can't handle it (and most people can't), then I don't know if I would go.

Can you update us on what's going on with OM?

[swoop]

I am going to jump in here and add my 2 cents. First, let me say that I somewhat agree with this ---------v

I'm not sure what you're confused about. She still lives at home right? You allow her to come and go as she pleases to visit the OM. She's never had to see the consequences of her actions and you've allowed her to do whatever she wants. Why wouldn't she ask you to go on vacation together?

You have mentioned that your detachment may be interpreted as coldness towards W. Is there a chance that she is feeling that coldness, and therefore she may be realizing that you may not be waiting for her indefinitely. She might be warming up, because you are cooling off. Like Mr. Bond says, why wouldn't she cake eat. The cake is right there and it's calorie free, no consequences! I would not drastically change my direction if she is seemingly warming up. Do what works.

I personally feel if W is enjoying time with you and family, then you should by all means play into that. What better way to re-establish a relationship, then by HAVING a relationship. She initiated the vacation proposal. She is pursuing you, at this point. Spend time with her. Do things with her. Set your boundaries and make them clear, VERY clear. You stated just a short time ago that you were considering putting a "crisis" into the situation to cause an effect. If you are not okay going on vacation with W while OM is in the picture, say "a vacation with you would be wonderful, but I am not okay with vacationing with you while you are seeing OM". That's clear as day, and it sets a boundary and shows a consequence for her.

[swoop]

Accuray makes some very good points about expectations, repressed anger and the perils of being involved in a cake eating situation with a WAS. Excellent points! Make sure you heed those words and make the right choices for YOU, ones that you can live with if the results aren't what you had hoped for.

[MrBond]

First things first. You said she hasn't seen the OM in two weeks. During that time, how have your interactions been with her?

"She even enjoys being around me, even alone. She says things like, 'lets go out to dinner', or 'can't wait until D3 is in bed so we can relax'."

These are good signs.

"But yet she hasn't ended her affair"

Again, how do you know this?

"or done snything to suggest she is rethinking her position."

Have you ever thought that her being positive to you and suggesting the vacation is her way of rethinking her position? I mean, she said "You love vacations. I thought you would be all over this!!' Which means that she at least considered what you like.

Right now you are choosing to stay distant because you don't want to be hurt. I get it. But DBing is more than just GAL, it's actually reducing conflict so that positive interactions can occur. You've fallen into the trap that may LBSs go through in that they let the resentment build within them so much that they don't realize when things are getting better.

You say that the two of you get along together and go out together. What's the difference between that and the vacation? Right now you've distanced yourself quite a bit but in the last few weeks, you could try lightly touching her to see how she reacts and increase the positive interactions. If the vacation really bothers you, then you could tell her that you are not willing to open yourself to her while she is seeing another guy.

[SM34]

Thank you ALL for your continued support. Some excellent points. I'd like to take a few hours to think about why I've been cold, what my expectations are, and gather my thoughts so I can respond. Please look at for a response from me later tonight. I really need to figure out what I'm doing.

As far as OM, her best friens told me she hs broken up with him many times. I suspect that she is warming when they are cooling, which would be logical.

I'm at work right now and she's been mesaging me all day about getting a tree put up tonight. She wants me to go buy a real tree as we have done every year, because our 'home doesn't feel christmasy'. This is her favorite time of the year and she always decorates the whole house. This year she has done nothing until the talk today. Now she has it planned out that after D3 is in bed, 'WE will put the lights up, and the tree, and all the other decorations.

Let me go and reread all the responses from you all and think them over before I get any further.

[SM34]

What's going on with OM? Does she see him regularly? Is it a PA? How often do they see each other?

Yes the OM affair is a PA/EA. She confessed feelings for him on BD and she had only been talking to him for 4 days. She said she was confused and needed to find out if this "really is what it feels like it is". He promised her he would get a second job and even move to our city (he lives 1.5 hours away) if she left me. He never moved to our city, infact he lost his job and was unemployed for 6 months. He has a job now, and so does Wife, but no moving and no further comitments made.

she goes to see him Sunday night and returns Tuesday evening usually. I think those are his off days from work. Last time she went, she came back Monday night. She messaged me that she was "on her way home" out of the blue, I didnt respond. She's been home now, skipped two Sundays.

I've been very distant from when she last returned from her stay with him. I sensed something could be wrong between them, and I didnt want to be the comforting source. And as Accuray said, I battle with some anger sometimes. I never show it though.

[SM34]

Oh and she confessed the A BEFORE it turned from EA to PA. my DB coach thinks she deserves brownie points for honesty and that in the even of a reconciliation I would have less trust issues because there has been almost no lieing...