Still trying to get up that great Big Hill...

[Pudmuddle]

Today I had some epiphanies over on JFun's thread. They were talking about how people go into and cope with crises.

I can see now where my H slipped into MLC when his S started turning into a teenager. These were emotionally hard years for my H. He ended up leaving home at 17 and he was angry at the time he left. But I never have known for sure what happened because he never would tell me details. Kind of like now, where he is in teenage mode, trying to be best buddies with his S instead of his father. And me in our M, thinking it was so odd that H didn't know how to parent a teenager and telling him so, did not help our sitch. Now I see that. That's why I think it has been good for me to allow H to handle situations with our S in his own way, and then praise him for doing well. I don't always agree with his approach but he has to handle it his way. Only if it is something truly objectionable would I speak up.

Then I look back at my own life and how at times in my childhood I felt abandoned by my mother. Throughout my childhood she was an alcoholic and I often would find her passed out in her bathroom or the bedroom. I was the middle child and the only girl, so I would often take care of things when she couldn't. Then after awhile she went to rehab and is now recovered, but I had to help my father deal with all of his emotional issues over the things my mom had done. I remember feeling very grown up talking with my dad and listening to him as he vented. But still there was never anyone to ask the little me how I was doing.

Then in my teenage years, I think I was 17 or 18 she ran away. Just woke up one day and my Dad told me she was gone. She had gone to find herself and sort things out. Well, how dare she just leave like that with no explanation. She came back after 9 months I think and she kept trying to hold my hand or talk to me about it and I was so pissed, as you can imagine teenage girls are anyway, lol. Eventually things got better, but this always has felt like a total betrayal to me as a teenage girl. A critical time when a girl needs a mother.

This explains to me a lot of my fear of abandonment issues with my H. And why I sank into a depression when I realized I could do nothing to help him feel better, just like my mom. I had my own mini-mlc I'm sure. Then when H announced it was over and he was done, it all came rushing back in pure fear. Why do people leave me? I've had enough coping help to know that it is not me now. It is people in my life doing the best they can at the time the only way they knew how. This is why I just cannot give up on someone so easily. I don't ever want anyone to feel that kind of pain, of someone giving up on you because you are in crisis. Might be codependent too, of which I am fully aware, but it is also a belief I hold.

I remember when H and I were first dating, and I used to tell him many times, things like 'Now I may do this awful thing, but don't let me push you away, I love you'. How telling is that. I tried to push them away first so I wouldn't allow them to push me away.

I do think I have had my own MLC's in the past 10 years, but I also think I have better coping skills and was able to pull my own self out most of the time. I have always looked deep within to find answers, knowing I couldn't rely on outside sources to make it better. For some reason, both of my brother's had terrible coping skills. When I was young, I remember my mom being amazed at how I would talk so wisely to my friends when they had issues.

One of the reasons I was so hit so extremely hard by my father's death last year, adding to my depression. He had never abandoned me in his life. He was always there. The rock.

Well, I have to be my own rock now. And it's about time!