Still trying to get up that great Big Hill...

[Portia]

Pud

You are doing just fine.

I know what you mean about missing your best friend. I do, too. But relish some of your alone time. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin. As you, not mom or wife.

Those happy moments will come. Enjoy them!

Lots of love!!

[Pudmuddle]

Aww thanks Portia. I had lost my skin for quite awhile and I knew that. At one point I had no idea how to get me back. Now I do and I am finding that I am enjoying doing what I want, when I want without worrying that I have to consult with someone else.

[Ambivalent]

Hey Pud,

Glad to see you are feeling better. I had a singing moment before Thanksgiving. It kind of shocked me, then I went back to singing.

I've been up and down today, but not devastated.

Husband did surprise me with a short forewarning when I was leaving for school.

Thank God I looked good! I just happened to decide to wear something different to school.

Whew! When I look back a BD. and the two months of anger he had, and where we are now...it is better.

He can be with me in the car, in a restaurant, at home and with family. He can look me in the eyes, hug and even kiss me on the mouth!

Just have to get through Christmas, pass finals, get job and pass boards...no pressure.

Bust on gal pal!

[Pudmuddle]

Ambi, I'm glad to see you feeling better today. I have been bursting out in song with songs I haven't thought of in AGES. Last night it was Whitney Houston's 'I Will Always Love You'. The one where you can really belt out those last tones! 'YooooooooooooOOOOOooooooooo, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo!' LOL.

Then this morning it was Pat Benetar's 'Shadows of the Night'. I'm running with the shadows of the night, so baby take my hand and it will be alright, surrender all your dreams to me tonight, they'll come true in the eeeeeeeeeeeeend.

My brain seems to be telling me something with these tunes, eh?

I'm glad your H is showing small positive steps too. I would die for a kiss on the mouth!

You can get through all of your goals Ambi! You are one strong woman, stronger than you think. And you look d@mn good doing it!

[Pudmuddle]

Today I had some epiphanies over on JFun's thread. They were talking about how people go into and cope with crises.

I can see now where my H slipped into MLC when his S started turning into a teenager. These were emotionally hard years for my H. He ended up leaving home at 17 and he was angry at the time he left. But I never have known for sure what happened because he never would tell me details. Kind of like now, where he is in teenage mode, trying to be best buddies with his S instead of his father. And me in our M, thinking it was so odd that H didn't know how to parent a teenager and telling him so, did not help our sitch. Now I see that. That's why I think it has been good for me to allow H to handle situations with our S in his own way, and then praise him for doing well. I don't always agree with his approach but he has to handle it his way. Only if it is something truly objectionable would I speak up.

Then I look back at my own life and how at times in my childhood I felt abandoned by my mother. Throughout my childhood she was an alcoholic and I often would find her passed out in her bathroom or the bedroom. I was the middle child and the only girl, so I would often take care of things when she couldn't. Then after awhile she went to rehab and is now recovered, but I had to help my father deal with all of his emotional issues over the things my mom had done. I remember feeling very grown up talking with my dad and listening to him as he vented. But still there was never anyone to ask the little me how I was doing.

Then in my teenage years, I think I was 17 or 18 she ran away. Just woke up one day and my Dad told me she was gone. She had gone to find herself and sort things out. Well, how dare she just leave like that with no explanation. She came back after 9 months I think and she kept trying to hold my hand or talk to me about it and I was so pissed, as you can imagine teenage girls are anyway, lol. Eventually things got better, but this always has felt like a total betrayal to me as a teenage girl. A critical time when a girl needs a mother.

This explains to me a lot of my fear of abandonment issues with my H. And why I sank into a depression when I realized I could do nothing to help him feel better, just like my mom. I had my own mini-mlc I'm sure. Then when H announced it was over and he was done, it all came rushing back in pure fear. Why do people leave me? I've had enough coping help to know that it is not me now. It is people in my life doing the best they can at the time the only way they knew how. This is why I just cannot give up on someone so easily. I don't ever want anyone to feel that kind of pain, of someone giving up on you because you are in crisis. Might be codependent too, of which I am fully aware, but it is also a belief I hold.

I remember when H and I were first dating, and I used to tell him many times, things like 'Now I may do this awful thing, but don't let me push you away, I love you'. How telling is that. I tried to push them away first so I wouldn't allow them to push me away.

I do think I have had my own MLC's in the past 10 years, but I also think I have better coping skills and was able to pull my own self out most of the time. I have always looked deep within to find answers, knowing I couldn't rely on outside sources to make it better. For some reason, both of my brother's had terrible coping skills. When I was young, I remember my mom being amazed at how I would talk so wisely to my friends when they had issues.

One of the reasons I was so hit so extremely hard by my father's death last year, adding to my depression. He had never abandoned me in his life. He was always there. The rock.

Well, I have to be my own rock now. And it's about time!

[BrightFuture]

Pud, you made me laugh with that computer reboot comment.

I didn’t have an alcoholic mother, but she was never emotionally available, so I did the same thing you did, I pushed people away. I didn’t want people to hug me, because my Mom never hugged me. I realized it a few years ago and have been trying to change it.

I also think that I had a mild MLC a few years ago, when I was almost WAS. Maybe H still cannot forgive me for hurting his pride back then.

You are a strong person. You can be a rock for yourself and your son.

[tigerlily78]

Wow Pud, you had your own tough childhood stuff to cope with and somehow you have ended up being the one in the couple not to go all the way off the deep end MLC style. I think that in itself speaks to the depth and the strength of your character.

There was alcohol abuse in my family too. I realize my father was one of those men who only let himself feel happiness and anger, everything else was drowned in a bottle, and the bottle made the anger all the angrier. So I picked a man who didn't drink, but had all the same underlying predisposition towards stuffing down all but a few emotions and had latent addictive traits too just waiting to find a high to latch on to. Knowing his own parental history he avoided all the things you'd expect to make an addict. He settled for exercise, health food kicks, vitamins and books, computer games, and THEN he found a woman who was interested in him and looking for her own addiction. Is it any wonder all those other things didn't hit the spot quite the same?

[3boymom]

Pud - You really are working hard at looking at your life. This is the really hard work that some people never do. You dealt with a hard childhood, you are working through it and I know that you will come out so much stronger because of it.

[JFun51]

One of the reasons I was so hit so extremely hard by my father's death last year, adding to my depression. He had never abandoned me in his life. He was always there. The rock.

Well, I have to be my own rock now. And it's about time!

So glad to hear that your father was always there for you. I got goosebumps reading this. Your father was your rock. How awesome is that! This is what fathers are supposed to be. The lighthouse in the storm, the warm blanket on a cold night, the shelter from the rain, the shoulder to cry on, the strong arms around you when you are afraid. Good for him. I can tell you loved him very much. He taught you how to be that rock and it is serving you well.

As a typed this, it made me think that this may be one of the reasons that my own W is distancing from her father. He was the rock as well. A very fallible and imperfect rock, but he was always there. In her current MLC fog, everything stable seems to be scary. She has run to her mother and other unstable friends.

I love reading you Pud. Made me have warm fuzzy thoughts for my dad that I lost in 2007. I needed that. Thanks.

[Pudmuddle]

BF, glad I could make you laugh. We need to keep up our humor during these tough days!

My mother was also the emotionally unavailable type. I remember her saying once she had to hug people on her terms... She also had a rough relationship with her mother, I have a feeling she never got any warm fuzzies from her, hence her dealing with issues by using outside sources. Hmmm, sound familiar H?

I am in the same spot to with H, feeling like I had hurt his pride back when I had my mlc's and he has never dealt with that.

Thanks for saying I am strong, keeps me going even when I don't feel it.

Tigerlil, I guess my childhood was tough, but I don't look at it like that...well now I don't. I've seen much worse horrors for people so eh, mine wasn't so bad. The addictions can come in many forms, people think because it LOOKS healthy that maybe it is ok. But it still comes back to bite them when they stuff everything down. It's all about dealing with it internally rather than finding external sources to make you happy.

Hi 3! I am a very internal person and am always looking to make things better within myself...always. Thanks for supporting me, you are such a loving person.

JF, well JF, you made me cry with that post. A good cry though My dad had his faults sure but he was always there for me no matter what. I truly do believe that he is the source of my strength inside, so I really appreciate you saying that. It means more to me than you could know.

I do believe that in typing out our own stories it can help give people the light bulbs in their heads to view a tough situation from another's perspective, even their difficult spouse. Perspective is always a good thing.

I'm glad I could give you a warm boost for your father too. Take care.