Quarter Life Crisis?

[flgurl84]

Just some journaling

Well, It seems like the tides of change are upon me.

Sunday 12/1 was a very hard, but necessary day for me. The last I heard from Boo was on Sat night 11/30, that he would be by the house.

Sunday came and went, with not a call, text or casual barging in. I kept myself very busy, and actually had a really good day. I was more anxious about him COMING to the house, rather than the usually anxiety I have of him NOT being there, or not contacting me.

In my post above, I talk about my lovey-dovey nonsense texts that I received. Nothing of substance, just hi, how are you, hope your day is good, some inside jokes.

I took Job's advice and let it be. There was nothing to respond to. I think I am done "playing" the nice wife, living alone, taking care of the home alone, having barely any contact when I want it, but responding to him whenever he texts.

I did have to send him an email regarding a job he did at one of my properties, so I sent that off, with no good morning, no pet names, no have a good day. Hey, you know he is so busy, he really doesn't have time for that anyways, right?! Sense my sarcasm there.

I got two emails responding to my work email, both filled with pet names and info on when he'd be back in town from work. I did respond to either, since none of them warranted a response.

I left work and got home around 5PM. My normal routine is to put my windows down, blast some tunes and enjoy my 30 minute commute. I got home and had 3 text messages and a missed call. Here are the texts:

Boo: Are you getting any of my texts or emails?
Boo: I guess not
Boo: Hellllllloooooo
Me: I got everything, txtd Bill

Then I went out to my bunny hutch to visit Timothy and Dusty with Paw for about 20-30min. So relaxing. They are such good little kids. The weather is beautiful here in SW FL and I am loving my calm, quiet afternoons to sit back, and relax.
I then went into the house, and checked my phone again. I had two more rude texts and 2 missed calls.

Boo: I’m about to blow a F---ing gasket
Boo: Do I need to drive down there and meet a computer guy

I then called him. And guess what? HE APOLOGIZED!! I let none of his infantile rants affect me, because they don’t. Oh what, H is going to be mad, and what, not talk to me? YOU ALREADY DON’T TALK TO ME!! BE MAD THEN!! He apologized for not coming around on Sunday. I said, yeah you could have texted. He said he felt really bad about it. He also said sorry for getting sh*tty with me via texts, he doesn’t need to speak to me like that.

MY JAW WAS ON THE FLOOR!

Literally months before, I had asked him, Can’t you just be nice to your wife? He responded sarcastically, “Yeah, sure I guess I’ll just be nice to my wife.” Like I was asking him to give me the world.

Oh how the tides have changed. Our convo ended on a good note. I never contacted him again that evening.

Tuesday morning I was met with a nice good morning text, which I did not respond to. I then sent him an email with info about the bills due. Similar tone to the one I sent Monday, no sweetness, no pet names. Not even really polite. Just to the point.
I was met with 5 emails, one liners:

Boo: Yeah I will let you know how much to pay on your credit card.
Boo: This really doesn’t need to be discussed during work. This can wait til the evening.
Boo: Pay such and such on your credit card, I will look at the other amounts later.
Boo: I will only be contacting you through email from now on, since that is the only way I can get in touch with you.
Boo: Run pay roll and pay such and such on the business credit card.

Mind you, these were all separate emails! What a spaz, poor guy.

I responded with one email: sorry, I wasn't expecting an email back. Just got organized this morning and wanted to send it to you.

I then got a really nice email back apologizing. He said, I am sorry for getting Sh*tty with you, You are my nerf herder (pet name from Family Guy) and I don’t need to talk to you like that.

OMG did they aliens bring back my Boo???

Not yet completely, but like I keep saying, the tides are changing. I feel great.

I never responded to his email of apology. That evening I got a text just asking to pay a certain amount on my credit card. I responded OK and let me know when you can discuss office stuff.

He said he’d call and he did. I let him talk about work. I was pleasant. I validated, I repeated to understand things better. I ended the convo.

I got a text a 3AM and 6AM today. The first was a very long text all about business stuff. The second was shorter but mainly about business stuff, money that will be coming in and some sweet pet names thrown in.

I responded at 11:30 with: That is really great for you
Meaning, your business has nothing to do with me at this point. I am moving towards being me, not we. I’m not sure if he understood that, but that’s what I implied. I do think he is feeling less stress about the business, he has money coming in, jobs for the future and plans to hire an accountant for 2014, so that stress won’t be on us.
He responded to my 11:30 text with more business talk, and an inside joke. I have not responded.

I am taking my paycheck this Friday to a different bank and setting up my own checking. He keeps saying he will be home Thurs night. I do not know if home is our home, or just in town at his friends.

I am starting to feel very anxious for his return. I feel like I have finally detached. He cannot hurt me anymore. It hit me when he sent that email stating he would only be contacting me via email. My blood pressure rose as I thought, OMG he isn’t going to text me anymore? HELLO!! He has barely called or texted or talked to you in 7 months!! What is going to change?? NOTHING!! It was the most empowering feeling. Go ahead buddy, don’t call or text me, you don’t anyways. I can now see how he has used this power of being angry and denying me his attention to manipulate me.
I have been so concerned with him wanting to leave me or not want to be around me, and now I don’t care anymore! It finally doesn’t hurt.

The love is still there. It really is. But there are things that need to change. And there are things that I won’t change. There is more that I want to change, but I like me again. I love me. I am good to myself. I enjoy being with me. Would I love some affection, yes it would be great, but I feel like I have my fulfilling life back, and Boo is realizing that.

I am not scared anymore. Bring it on. And quoting an old post from 2010 in the “I’m thinking of Leaving” Board, Catch me if you can….. ;); lets see if he is up to the test.