Back....again.

[TrentC]

You are nervous because you feel you need to moderate your attitude or state of mind to match his. It is horribly, horribly codependent and self-abusive.

Can you find something to do with the kids so that you're not there when he gets home? If not, then try finding something to do with them--rent some movies to watch. Let him go as he pleases. And DO NOT talk about your relationship, no matter how much he tries to bait you.

If he tries, tell him you don't want to talk about it right now. If he threatens to leave, tell him that you can't stop him. (Which is essentially true.) He may try the "poor me" trick and whine about the fact that he's a lousy husband; tell him that you are sorry he feels that way, and you know that he is capable of being the man he wants to be.

[Lll54]

Can you find something to do with the kids so that you're not there when he gets home? If not, then try finding something to do with them--rent some movies to watch. Let him go as he pleases. And DO NOT talk about your relationship, no matter how much he tries to bait you.

He was home with the kids before me but after school I had to go get gas. I walked in the door and he seemed to be in a normal mood. And within 3 minutes asked me where I went after school? All I did was get gas so it wasn't like I was an hour late. It was like 10 minutes. Had I asked HIM that???!!! Bombs would have dropped?!

If he tries, tell him you don't want to talk about it right now. If he threatens to leave, tell him that you can't stop him. (Which is essentially true.) He may try the "poor me" trick and whine about the fact that he's a lousy husband; tell him that you are sorry he feels that way, and you know that he is capable of being the man he wants to be.

None of this happened tonight thank goodness. I was not ready for more of this type of conversation. He did end up leaving most of the night to go Xmas light shopping and take my middle boy to the doctor. By the time he got back we put kids to bed and he went out to put lights up and shovel snow. So in the end we still didn't have time together. I'm starting to wonder of he does this on purpose.

The only alarming thing of the night was I walked past the bathroom and he had his phone plugged in to charge and his jacket was in there and he like stuffed his phone on the hood of the jacket and walked out. Really felt like he didn't want me to see his phone. Whether I'm jumping to conclusions or not it was a yucky feeling and I can't get it out of my head.

[TrentC]

The only alarming thing of the night was I walked past the bathroom and he had his phone plugged in to charge and his jacket was in there and he like stuffed his phone on the hood of the jacket and walked out. Really felt like he didn't want me to see his phone. Whether I'm jumping to conclusions or not it was a yucky feeling and I can't get it out of my head.

Well, for one, you're trying to interpret everything he does, again.

At the same time, it doesn't surprise me at all; as you know, I've suspected that there may be an OW.

I would not worry about it until you are ready to confront him about it and deal with the consequences. He will almost certainly lie about it; he'll tell you you're crazy or jealous, and he'll probably threaten to leave you. There's no reason to deal with that until a) you are sure that there is something going on, and b) you are ready to accept the results of such a confrontation.

[Lll54]

Well big bomb.

I vented to my sister and mom about this whole situation and they went off obviously sticking up for me. This all by text. Not a lot of good. But i did stick up for him the odd time.

Well he connected the iPad to my iPhone and ready every message to both of them and is more mad than I have ever seen him.

Speechless. Driving around...don't know what to do.

[TrentC]

If you're still out and about, then stay out; find someone place can get a cup of coffee or something.

I have an iPhone and an iPad so I'm pretty sure I know what he did; it won't be easy to untangle them right now. Obviously, don't carry on any texting conversations on your phone for the time being.

You don't have to do anything right now; give him some time to process what he has learned.

[Lll54]

I drove around and around. Came home and he was still livid. I asked of he wanted to talk about it. He said he would come to the bedroom soon. I ended up falling asleep and he stayed out watching tv. Came to bed around midnight and slept in my bed which I was surprised

Woke up this morning and we talked a bit. He is still overwhelmingly upset and embarrassed. My mom kind of went off and called him a few names and he is sad about that. Doesn't know how he could look them in the face again.

I'm at a loss.

[TrentC]

What exactly is he upset about?

Anyone who thinks that their spouse doesn't discuss their relationship with a trusted friend or family member is kidding themselves.

Is he unhappy that your family doesn't like him? Well, his behavior is the cause of that. He wants to pretend that he can do whatever he wants with no consequences, but that's not how the world works.

If he starts running himself down again, try saying what I suggested before: that you are sorry that he feels that way, but you have faith that he can be whatever kind of man he wants to be. Don't call him "husband of the year" or try to flatter him; the reason it didn't work last time is because you both know it's not true right now.

[Lll54]

What exactly is he upset about?

He is upset that I went to my mom and sister. He said he would never throw me under the bus to his family. It changes their perception and it's not fair. I kind of see his point. But I don't think I would be entirely upset if he went to his sister or mom for advice. He is more upset about what they said and doesn't think he can ever face them again after knowing what they said about him.


I don't think he is going to run himself down. He isn't mad or sad at himself he is upset with what "I" did. He finds it very upsetting.

Last night he asked me if I can have my mom come down and help with the kids cause clearly our marriage isn't working.

I don't know what to say to make this better. I feel like him staying and sleeping in our bed with me may be a good thing. I'm just so overwhelmed and clueless as to what to say or do.

[TrentC]

He is upset that I went to my mom and sister. He said he would never throw me under the bus to his family. It changes their perception and it's not fair. I kind of see his point. But I don't think I would be entirely upset if he went to his sister or mom for advice. He is more upset about what they said and doesn't think he can ever face them again after knowing what they said about him.

I actually don't disagree with him.

There is a danger in getting your family involved with your marital disputes, because although they will be on your side, they don't always share your priorities. A lot of people think that if a marriage has too many problems then you just walk away and start over. And your family is likely to encourage you to leave because they don't want to see you hurt yourself by staying.

As for his not being able to face them because of what they said about him? Again, he bears much of the responsibility for that. What do you think they will say about him it if turns out he is seeing someone on the side? Will they commend you for standing by him and trying to work things out? Or will they tell you to dump his lying, cheating ass?

I don't know what to say to make this better.

Well, start by telling him that you won't discuss it with your family any more. And don't. Ask him what he wants to do to try to work things out.

[Lll54]

I know. It was the wrong thing to do. I just needed someone to listen and I picked the wrong person. I told him all of this. I don't want to involve my friends because I feel like they would hate him. My sister and mom understand we have had our problems in the past and they don't ever think differently of him. I think that's why I felt safe talking to them.

I am at school and he is leaving the city this afternoon to ref. Should I text him that I won't talk to them anymore? Our talk ended short this morning cause I had to get to school so we never really finished. Or should I leave him to have the night to cool down a bit????