Looks like our W's have some common drivers...have you read through my threads yet? I know, ya need to have a ton of time to kill, but there may be some useful things in there too.
And please don't apologize to analyzing, it can be helpful, very helpful, in getting to compassion. I did/do it, it's in my nature as an engineer and Sherlock Holmes wanna-be...
Thing is, you have to be mindful of analysis-paralysis...can keep you stuck, or even worse, send you into a spin session....I have a few hundred of those notched into my LBS belt...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Wow, that's kind of uncanny thinking there Mach. I started to think when my H was having emotional issues at home and it was right around when he was...16. And my S is...16. I don't think he ever knew how to handle the emotions he felt at this age. All I know is he left home by 17, but would never share the whys and hows of what happened. Kind of like how he does with me now. !!
Maybe not so uncanny and there is some truth to this crisis concept!
Very interesting.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I'm right there with you Mach. S12 is rebelling against her. Her mother was never there for her at this stage. She has no idea how to be a mother to a teenager. The pieces are right in front of me. It would be great if it was that easy to lay it out for her. IC would be great for her and she's even mentioned it, but never followed through.
I wish I could be her counselor and help her deal with this stuff. I know that's not possible. I'm trying to stay out of her way and let her sort it out.
The more I ruminate on the roots of her issues, the more I feel for her. I hope that when she's done cooking, me and the boys will still be here.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
We transition from a newborn, to a toddler, to a youth, to a pre-teen, to a teenager, to our College years, to our child-rearing years, to our late child-rearing years (for lack of a better definitive word), to the big 4 0 , to our midlife, to our retirement, to our golden years on the rocking chair fairy tale....
You get the point...
Most people can transition through those phases with very little trouble. Transition is easier when we are taught HOW to transition, or we have emotional support through those times.
When one or more of those "transitional" phases gets interrupted, or becomes non-existent through emotional turmoil in our younger years, they tend to "stack up" , and restrict the flow of healthy emotional behavior.
What is normal for most, becomes the ultimate struggle for those that have un-resolved transitional problems.
Most will reach a point in their lives when they can no longer function as a person inside of their own skin. The turmoil can fester for YEARS, until they reach a breaking point (what we call the bomb).
The majority of people (in MLC), are quite unaware, and usually combined with the lack of self-reflection. They feel as though they are victims of their circumstance. They FEEL as though they are in touch with them self, and all rational thought ceases. It HAS to be someone else's fault here. It simply cannot be them...
When they lash out, and they simply cannot function, they attack the very thing that is the closest thing to them.....the spouse. The MLCer will run on pure emotion, and act out on "feelings" rather than reality. They are entitled to the things that they have missed, and they are a victim of every one's actions except their own.
They become "runners" from the inner demons that haunt them, as they try to put distance between them self and the things that they feel, hurt them the most.
The reason that it is called "replay" , is that they are trying to re-live the things that they have been cheated out of in this life (or so they feel). Trying to capture all that was missed within those transitional periods...
Revisiting them, can come in many different forms. and while a lot of what you wrote (and most here could write) is the catalyst for the MLC, there are certain "triggers" throughout that will start the train into motion...
I'm right there with you Mach. S12 is rebelling against her. Her mother was never there for her at this stage. She has no idea how to be a mother to a teenager. The pieces are right in front of me. It would be great if it was that easy to lay it out for her. IC would be great for her and she's even mentioned it, but never followed through.
LQTM....
That reminds me of the "MLC Christmas Card" that a poster named Jimbo thought of a few years ago
What a nice summary! I would hedge this posting by stating that it is not always all about "transitions" for mine was "voiceless" child. I had no say in my parents' divorce at the age of 11 and had a prime front seat through some ugly stuff. My MLC was working through "stuck" emotions and unresolved issues surrounding my parents' divorce.
In looking back, I did not engage in a lot of replay behaviors because I was that "scared, voiceless" 11-year old. It all depends on which stage the MLCer became "stuck" and they usually act out that particular age hence the OMs/OWs, clothing changes, partying out at all hours, etc.
What a nice summary! I would hedge this posting by stating that it is not always all about "transitions" for mine was "voiceless" child. I had no say in my parents' divorce at the age of 11 and had a prime front seat through some ugly stuff. My MLC was working through "stuck" emotions and unresolved issues surrounding my parents' divorce.
In looking back, I did not engage in a lot of replay behaviors because I was that "scared, voiceless" 11-year old. It all depends on which stage the MLCer became "stuck" and they usually act out that particular age hence the OMs/OWs, clothing changes, partying out at all hours, etc.
Hey Wonka....I agree...
No two MLCs are the same. As individual as the person going through it....
I have seen/heard of there being several layers to the MLC as well. One might see 3 or 4 different inner children/transitional people within the crisis. Sometimes by them self, while at other times they will flow back and forth between them all fairly quickly.
I saw the 9 year old mostly. Although I also saw the 12 year old, the 16 year old , and on special occasions, the 21 year old would show up to crash the party...
From what you said ^^^, I would liken your crisis to a former MLCer that I had privilege to talk with afterward...
She was the middle child, and the one that bore the brunt of responsibility immediately following her parents split. And while bearing that, she had to always put the well being and emotions of her siblings in front of her own, and never dealing with them at that time.
She said that when the fog started lifting from around her, that she would remember incidents that happened, and realized that she had never had the chance to apply the things that SHE felt about those things.
Once they popped up in her memory (years later, and coming through her crisis), she was able to apply HER emotions to those things, and once she did ? They were gone....not the memories mind you, just the negative emptiness that surrounded those incidents....
Again, wow Mach. You've turned a light bulb on in my head.
This makes so much sense now for my H and why I observed that it seemed he had no parenting skill for his teenage S. Then my adding on to that 'why DON'T you know how to parent a teenager..' probably didn't help our M much. I remember often his being critical about something bad our S was doing, and asking him 'Don't you remember being a teenage boy?' And more often than not, he would say 'no, I don't remember...'. Which I know he did some very teenage boy things so it was surprising to hear that. Very, very curious.
Thanks for the wicked good post Mach.
The Christmas card is very funny! Made me laugh out loud, made my dog jump. I thought I might give that to H for Christmas, but then thought Nah, he wouldn't get it. LOL.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
