Wife says she wants to leave

[ccZ28]

So in other words, I need to stand up for myself, but be ready to face the consequences.

[ccZ28]

In response to labug,

My current plan is to keep DB'ing, work on myself, and get through Christmas without causing a giant stir.

After the holidays I feel like I will be in a better position to make the hard decisions.

[labug]

That's a plan.

That's an interesting unwritten rule you have. Did you have others?

[ccZ28]

No there were no other unwritten rules.

I guess I felt like the only time we stayed in hotels was when we were away from D. So why WOULDN'T we have sex.

Arrogant? I don't know. It was just something I felt strongly about.

[melissag]

I guess I felt like the only time we stayed in hotels was when we were away from D. So why WOULDN'T we have sex.

I think my H had this same thought. Or at least, that's the way he acted. And you know, now, it makes a lot of sense to me. But then, I took it as pressure and that was a turn off to me. I'm not sure if that's because I have/had issues, or if that's a common feeling with women. We get away from the kids (especially when they are little kids), we want to relax. Not get groped the minute we walk in. (I will say that now, for the record, I would be happy to be groped by my H in a hotel room. But, I can see why maybe that unwritten rule didn't go over well with your W.) I would tread lightly with this one . . . maybe create an opening for intimacy, but don't go in expecting it and acting like it's foregone conclusion. JMO.

[ccZ28]

Journaling,


Last night was the first night that W has slept at home. She slept in "her bedroom" downstairs. It was hard knowing that she was so close, yet so far away.

However, her girlfriend came over and stayed the night. I guess my problem with this is, when she said she wanted a separation, she said that she needed time to herself. TIME TO HERSELF. I think she has maybe had one or two days that she has actually been alone. Does she really want time to herself, or was that her way of saying, time without you.

Should I mention anything? Like, "You haven't really spent much time to yourself since the separation"???

Smaller issues:

I have always seeked her out before I go to work. I tell her goodbye and have a nice day and used to end with a kiss and a hug. Do I even do this anymore? Should I just leave for work and not say anything? She never seeks me out.

Same thing at bed time. Do i go downstairs and tell her goodnight? Or do I just go to sleep?



Positive's.

I worked on being more of a leader last night.

I took the lead during dinner time, had my D help set the table. Asked W to get everyone something to drink and help D get ready for dinner.

D had a small meltdown and wanted to watch TV. I calmly went over and turned off the tv and said, "You can either sit here and cry and the tv stays off, or you can come over and ask us nicely to help you and we can turn the tv on."

She cried for about 20 seconds, and then slowly made her way into the kitchen to ask mom if she could watch tv. I said, "You need to ask me." It really worked great, she asked politely and I helped her with the tv.

W even said, "listen to daddy, he's in charge"

After dinner I took care of the kitchen, and asked W if she could please fold the laundry that I had set out.

Ohh yeah, Earlier in the day, on my way home from work, my W ALWAYS calls at the last minute (since db) and asks... can you pick up D.. I have to work late, I have to get my nails done, or whatever excuse she comes up with. ( she works about 10 min from D daycare, I work about 30 min away) And usually I will just do it to make her happy.

Instead, I said No. And it felt good. I think I will start saying No more often.

(Please understand that before BD, there were certainly times when she would need me to pick up D, but since BD it has literally been about 95% of the time. Feeling USED)

I felt like I did a really good job displaying more self confidence last night, even while she was not in the best of moods and seemed much colder than the last few days. (As accuray said she may be. push and pull, push and pull) I rolled with it. She actaully came to my bedroom last night to ask if I wanted to go with her to a live show with D, so we ordered tickets. And if anything else, it will be a nice time, simply because I know my d will enjoy it.

[melissag]

However, her girlfriend came over and stayed the night. I guess my problem with this is, when she said she wanted a separation, she said that she needed time to herself. TIME TO HERSELF. I think she has maybe had one or two days that she has actually been alone. Does she really want time to herself, or was that her way of saying, time without you.

Should I mention anything? Like, "You haven't really spent much time to yourself since the separation"???

Nooooooo! What she does is not for you to judge or question. And yes, when she said she needed time to herself, she meant time away from you.

Why did she spend the night at your house? This seems weird to me. Did she ask first or does she just do whatever she wants?

I have always seeked her out before I go to work. I tell her goodbye and have a nice day and used to end with a kiss and a hug. Do I even do this anymore? Should I just leave for work and not say anything? She never seeks me out.

Same thing at bed time. Do i go downstairs and tell her goodnight? Or do I just go to sleep?

I would not try the hug and kiss before work. However, I think it would come across as rude or cold to just leave without saying goodbye. I would poke my head around the corner, or yell to wherever she is, or whatever you need to do, and say, "bye! have a good day!" or something equally nice but without pressure.

Same thing at bed time. Though I thought she moved out - am I remembering your sitch wrong?

[ccZ28]

She wanted to move out but our finincial situation is such that it isnt possible right now for her to get her own place.

She has been staying with her girl friend.

She moved all of her stuff into the spare bedroom last week.

[labug]

I guess I felt like the only time we stayed in hotels was when we were away from D. So why WOULDN'T we have sex.

I think my H had this same thought. Or at least, that's the way he acted. And you know, now, it makes a lot of sense to me. But then, I took it as pressure and that was a turn off to me. I'm not sure if that's because I have/had issues, or if that's a common feeling with women. We get away from the kids (especially when they are little kids), we want to relax. Not get groped the minute we walk in. (I will say that now, for the record, I would be happy to be groped by my H in a hotel room. But, I can see why maybe that unwritten rule didn't go over well with your W.) I would tread lightly with this one . . . maybe create an opening for intimacy, but don't go in expecting it and acting like it's foregone conclusion. JMO.

My thoughts are similar, it's the expectations that kill you.

Sometimes when able to get away from work/household/children responsibilities all I wanted to do was read and/or sleep.

Perhaps a 180 for you would be to change things up, at least in your mind. It might still lead to sex.

[ccZ28]

I have already decided to have no expectations about the whole hotel gig. I would rather it just be a nice, positive night out with my w.

If sex happens, great. If not, great.

As Melissa said, adding just one more posiitive interaction to the equation.


May I ask how you feel about the positive changes I made last night? I'm not trying to jump in and grab the reigns, but take small steps day by day.

"Positive's.

I worked on being more of a leader last night.

I took the lead during dinner time, had my D help set the table. Asked W to get everyone something to drink and help D get ready for dinner.

D had a small meltdown and wanted to watch TV. I calmly went over and turned off the tv and said, "You can either sit here and cry and the tv stays off, or you can come over and ask us nicely to help you and we can turn the tv on."

She cried for about 20 seconds, and then slowly made her way into the kitchen to ask mom if she could watch tv. I said, "You need to ask me." It really worked great, she asked politely and I helped her with the tv.

W even said, "listen to daddy, he's in charge"

After dinner I took care of the kitchen, and asked W if she could please fold the laundry that I had set out.

Ohh yeah, Earlier in the day, on my way home from work, my W ALWAYS calls at the last minute (since db) and asks... can you pick up D.. I have to work late, I have to get my nails done, or whatever excuse she comes up with. ( she works about 10 min from D daycare, I work about 30 min away) And usually I will just do it to make her happy.

Instead, I said No. And it felt good. I think I will start saying No more often.

(Please understand that before BD, there were certainly times when she would need me to pick up D, but since BD it has literally been about 95% of the time. Feeling USED)

I felt like I did a really good job displaying more self confidence last night, even while she was not in the best of moods and seemed much colder than the last few days. (As accuray said she may be. push and pull, push and pull) I rolled with it. She actaully came to my bedroom last night to ask if I wanted to go with her to a live show with D, so we ordered tickets. And if anything else, it will be a nice time, simply because I know my d will enjoy it."