It's Not Over 'Till It's Over

[S4tk]

Sorry I haven't read your situation completely, but where was W's anger coming from? In some ways, anger can be much better than complete apathy.

[Fight4MyWife]

Originally she was angry because we had a pretty explosive breakup and I think my pursuing, begging & pleading made it worse.

I understand that anger can actually be a better sign to complete apathy and I have been very worried for the past couple of months as my wife has seemed very apathetic and indifferent, this actually concerned me more than when she was angry.

Her recent anger came from me refusing to move out of the marital home so that she could move back in.

Things have actually seemed fairly pleasant over the past week and like I said a couple of baby steps have occurred, so you could say things are the best they have been between us since the breakup, I should therefore be feeling very positive.

Why then do I feel so low, I feel the worst I have felt for weeks and I am really struggling these last few days.

[labug]

One of the things I find the hardest is the way my wife has completely shut her self off from me and does not want to talk to me or even be in the same room as me unless absolutely necessary. I don't know how she can be like that so easily after 14 years together.

My H was much the same and that was after 33 years together. Now we're piecing.

You never know. Your job is not to predict the future but to work on you, become the man you want to be so you're ready for whatever life has in store for you.

You can do this.

[Fight4MyWife]

Thanks labug for your input, this is encouraging.

I think the recent positive interactions with my wife has actually stirred up some emotions within me which is maybe why I am now feeling down.

I also put the Christmas tree up with my son the other day which I really enjoyed at the time, but now afterwards I think the realisation that it is not gonna be the same and the reality of it all has caused me to feel emotional again too.

I also still sometimes feel angry that my wife is doing this & is giving up on us so easily & won't even talk to me about it.

This is sooooooooo hard.

[Fight4MyWife]

Within the first few weeks of our break up while still in the stage where I was begging & pleading I had suggested to my wife that we went out together with our son & she said quite sternly "We are not going on any family days out".

Last month on bonfire night I suggested us all going together to see the fireworks and she said she didn't want that. She actually attended the same event and I found it strange that we couldn't even stand together.

There is a 'Santa express miniature train ride" that we talked about doing last year when our son was younger which we didn't go on. I was thinking of taking my son this year and was considering asking my wife if she might be interested in us all going together one day.

Would this be a mistake?

[MrBond]

Yes. Take him yourself. Your W is in the "blame the LBS" stage. Show him the time of his life.

[Fight4MyWife]

Just spoke to my wife on the phone about a few things she wanted to talk about regarding our son which also included plans for over Christmas, specifically plans for Christmas day.

I got very emotional & teary on the phone when discussing Christmas and I told her that I find it hard to even think about it.

I know I am supposed to be upbeat and positive around her so will this have killed any possible attraction she may have been feeling?

I also know I am supposed to be detaching & some days I can do this but at the moment I just feel that I still really want my wife back. It is so hard, especially when my wife talks like it is over.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Hi there F4mw.

I was reading over your sitch a bit. I'm sorry your here, the holidays are tougher for sure.

I think the hardest part for me at the beginning was really not understanding that my wife was DONE. I always had in my mind that she was going to change her mind, snap out of it, come to her senses, realize she was breaking up our family.

This is really a mindset you need to find, and find fast, right now there is NOTHING you can do to make her come back in ANY way.
The only thing you can do is make things worse actually. Man, I know exactly whats going thru your mind, I've soooo been there.

Its sad, but this early in the sitch, we tend to take things, even the smallest things, and make the worst out of them in our minds. Its hard to find any positives in our lives, its hard to just get out of bed sometimes.

I know interactions are tough, your trying to pull of the impossible by not saying or acting the wrong way. It feels like an audition every encounter. Its not my friend, im sorry, but right now the only thing you can do is take care of yourself, your son, and back way off, give her TONS of space.

I know you need a little positivity right now, so im gonna give it to you. Your marriage CAN be saved, but you need to understand this is going to take a LONG LONG time, maybe a year or two. Can you comprehend that number right now? The old marriage is dead, period. One interaction isn't going to push it over the edge one way or the other, but a long progressive dedicated effort to become a new you. I know that feels impossible right now, but you can do it.

The 37 rules are there for you. I know you prob feel like they're only gonna make thing worse sometimes, I know your afraid of letting go in fear that she wont come back. But you have to understand she's already gone. Did you or a friend back in high school ever break up with a girlfriend only to have her cry and beg, follow you around like a lost puppy. How unattractive that was, and how it almost confirmed to you that you were making the right decision? Get what im saying?

You really need to limit the interactions right now, cause she's going to say some things that hurt even worse if you keep up with any pursuit. Do you understand how she probably left the marriage at LEAST a year ago, it took her until a few months ago to finally act on it.

I hope you can muster the courage for the steps you need to make, they'll help you I promise. Of course they don't always feel like it, but what your doing now isn't working either, right?

You might think she's being selfish, and that's a stage we all go thru. If you can love her enough to let her go, let her make her mistakes, all while addressing some issues of your own right now. The future isn't written. You can certainly play a part in making it brighter thou.

Hang in there, please!! If your doing your work, if your following the steps, it does get easier. Patience is the number one mood killer, so find some steps to work on that. What else are you doing to take care of yourself right now?

[Fight4MyWife]

Thank you very much FlyOnTheWall for reading my thread & taking the time to comment, it is really appreciated.

I had a really good, positive 4 or 5 weeks, but then we started discussing financials & mediation etc. Plus with the festive season now upon us the last week or 2 has been a regression & back to feeling very emotional again.

I think I probably do always have in my mind that she might "come to her senses" and change her mind.

It was only 6 months ago we were talking about growing our family etc and providing a brother/sister for our son. I can not believe she can just abandon these ideas/plans so easily.

I never wanted my son to be an only child and if I had thought there was any chance this would be happening I wouldn't have had a child to put them through this.

It is the thought of my son growing older that makes me feel more desperate to "fix" this quickly. I think if my son wasn't around I would find it much easier to give her space & let go, but because of my son I feel like it's more urgent & much harder to be patient.

I try not to have any expectations but when a few weeks goes by and she still talks like "it's over" I still always feel disappointed & get emotional again.

A couple of friends have asked me today to go away on holiday for a week in January. I don't really feel like it but I should probably just force myself & go.

I can be strong, positive and "act as if" for a period of time but really it is just acting, deep down I just want my family back together, so I don't seem to be able to keep it up permanently.

[Fight4MyWife]

So my wife brought my son in to see me at work again today, after taking him to see Santa over the road.

I thanked her and showed appreciation for her thinking of coming to see me, I love seeing my son & it brightens my day.

We chatted and she was really nice and things were very pleasant, it was just like old times the way we were speaking to each other.

It actually makes it harder though & makes me feel much worse when she is being nice. I find it easier to detach & let go when she is angry, hostile or cold because I don't like her like that. When she is being nice it makes it harder to detach & I just want to give her a big hug.

Also when the interactions between us are positive & pleasant like this it makes me tempted to ask if she his willing to talk to me about anything yet. Not necessarily about reconciliation but about how she feels etc, and why she feels the way she does.

A few weeks ago she was still angry & any attempt to talk to her pushed her further away and made her shut herself off from me.

Although I know there is still a risk of that happening again the fact we feel to be interacting more positively & she is being very nice makes me want to test the waters and see if she is ready to talk yet.

My wife is very quiet natured anyway, so sometimes will not express herself of her own accord in the best of situations and sometimes needs to be asked to share or express herself, so in some ways I feel like if she was ready to talk she might want me to prompt the conversation.