SM34,

I wouldn't change course because Mr. Bond has asked you some questions -- you don't want to fall victim to guardrail steering.

He asked you a lot of "why" questions. It's important to know why you're doing what you're doing.

Why have you chosen your current course? If your W is warming up to you, maybe what you're doing is working and you should continue.

What's going on with OM? Does she see him regularly? Is it a PA? How often do they see each other?

You need to decide what YOU want to do, what is right for YOU and your sitch.

Here's a couple thoughts for you:

Being an LBS is tough, you usually have repressed anger, frustration, and wrestle with hope. You hope your actions are having an impact, you hope that something the WAS did can be interpreted as a positive, etc. etc. When you get your hopes up, you're often disappointed which pushes more anger and sadness into your hopper to deal with.

Being an LBS can be even tougher in a cake-eating situation, because the WAS is getting what they need from two people -- she gets the father for her child, domestic partner, companion etc. from you, and can get the romance, validation, encouragement and excitement from OM. If she can keep both things going, it can work out really well for her if her conscience doesn't bother her.

You, on the other hand, are getting the cost of a marriage without the benefits.

That's why vacations with a WAS can be tough -- it's very difficult to go into them with no expectations. You may see it as a step toward reconciliation, but she may see it as a diversion, as an investment in the status quo, etc.

If you go on vacation with expectations and those expectations are then not met, you can get angry / sad / sulky, and you are literally trapped with her until the vacation ends -- it's difficult to escape to work out your emotions.

One reason to go dark / dim / limit your contact as you have been doing is to protect yourself -- to NOT get your hopes up. To detach your emotions from the WAS. Is that why YOU are doing it?

WRT the vacation, I would ask yourself if you can go into it with no expectations. If you go and she treats you poorly, can you still have fun? If you can't handle it (and most people can't), then I don't know if I would go.

Can you update us on what's going on with OM?


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015