Shutting the F*ck Up

[AJM]

Great. Now I have that Gloria Gaynor song stuck in my head

Be confident in the boundaries you have set. SO can choose to respect them or leave you alone.

That's exactly right. And it's how it's always been. It's just that your boundaries have changed accordingly. I think that's very good advice and advice that will make you happier in the long run when it comes to dealing with...anyone.

AJ

[makingmagic]

ugh... Me too.... although I prefer to sing Madonna's "Express Yourself"

"Dont go for 2nd best baby, put your love to the test!!"

"make him express how he feels, and then you know your love is real"

Keep up the good work Portia, you are inspiring ME!!

[Portia]

Bea, busting, WR, RL, AJ and MM,

You folks are awesome - what a cheering section!

Linda, I have never been serenaded before - you are fantastic and I love that song.

Does anyone have a habit of vivid dreaming? I know job once said she had premonitions. I don't think my dreams are premonitions, but sometimes they are so vivid they could be memories. And they have on occasion told me something, like someone is in trouble or that good news is about to happen.

This past weekend, I had one of those dreams about Skippy. I can't really describe it but it was dark and wicked. I could not shake it all day, try as I might. By evening, it was still bothering me, so I texted Skippy to ask if he was alright. I had not heard from him in a week since we spoke on the phone.

He texted back that everything was OK at his end and thanks for my concern. I texted back that I was glad (I was). He texted back again: "Thank you for your concern. Really." I did not respond. That night, he called but did not leave a message. I wasn't home to get his call. Without a message, I did not call back.

I feel like I am walking through a mine field. The balance between keeping the door open and not having my own foot caught in it. Is it the holidays that have made him a little lonely and now he is reaching out? Life doesn't look so good on the flip side? I am a nosy person generally, but I sure would give a great deal to be a fly on the wall at his therapist's office. Any insight into this insanity and this agonizingly slow - maybe going no where - dance that we seem to have embarked on. I do not want to try to read his mind. I do not want to feed him ego kibbles.

But am I erring the other way? I thought about responding that of course I would be worried but didn't. Or ask why he thought I would be unconcerned? Is the fact that he questions my concern a good thing? Or was he trying to get kibbles by making me say it?

Talk about being able to run yourself in circles!

And why am I back to feeling it has been a long time since I heard from him when it has only been a few days? I had more patience when it was weeks.

[BrightFuture]

Portia, I completely relate to what you are feeling. I’m in a somewhat similar position with so little contact with H and him being so far away. The only difference is that there is no known OW in my case, so I don’t know how I would feel if there would be one. I do feel abandoned though. It is like he just erased all these years we spent together and treats me like a casual acquaintance now. It hurts. Sometimes I think that I would be better off without any contact at all.

Portia, I was trying to go back to your first threads because I don’t remember if you mentioned anything about what was the reason for him to walk away, besides his involvement with OW, but I thought that you mentioned that his MLC started before the OW. I’ve been following your story for some time now and I’m just curious to compare it to my.

[AJM]

Why Portia? Why? I'd say because you have put your own healing behind his (time-wise). It seems you are healing now. That's a good thing

The hard part is that he won't completely let go. I know how that can be. It was very difficult for me for a long time. Now? It's just annoying. For me, a switch flipped at some point and I knew it had to be me that pushed her away else deal with this crud for a very long time longer than I'd like. For you, there are still unanswered questions and contact. It makes things crazy and ambiguous.

Until you have had enough. Then the world changes.

I think dreams are a way for us to process our feelings. To be honest, they could be real. I have that sometimes. Or I'll get anxious for no reason and shortly after I'll get some "gem" from the ex. A postcard from the dark side if you will. There's a bit of a connection, ya know?

But I've learned to act vs. react. To wait. To figure me out and stop worrying about my ex. It has taken a great deal of time and energy. Even now because I have to deal with her on a too frequent basis. At least too frequent for my preferences.

I don't know about you, but I don't like being hung up on somebody like that. I know that it had nothing to do with me, and I do care about her. I hope she does well and is blessed throughout her life. But until I don't have those dreams, those feelings, or those reactions to her actions, I'm not willing to be part of it. It just plain doesn't work for me. Not that I can't. I know that now. I also know that I don't like it. And since I can't change it, why do that to me? Make sense?

Been like that a long time. It has got much better and I'm almost always happy and content and at peace. But once in a while... Kind of like people report when they lose a limb - phantom feelings

AJ

[tigerlily78]

AJM is correct. A lot of brain science says dreams are often kind of a "training ground" your brain uses to work out complicated psychological issues or to run scenarios, especially fear based scenarios to give you practice coping with the unknown. (My H reminded me of this, when I mentioned I was still having some EFFED up dreams just a day or two ago).

I dreamt most recently that my H was in a very serious car accident with OW and I had to work through the logistical issues of getting to him in the hospital with no car and no money on hand through the kindness of friends and then work through the situation hamstringed by his own shitty decision making up to this point.

I don't think I slept a wink the rest of the night.

[Whiterose]

I come from a family of "dreamers". Used to dream, for years, that H would leave me......the sorrow I felt in those dreams was what I felt when he left. A lot of the dreams he would come back and the utter joy.....,well, in the dream. I'm Italian so there's a lot of symbolism. Cherries = verbal fight. Cloudy water = good omen. Clear water = bad omen. Snow is money. Green grass is hope and dead grass is loss of hope. Animals are good except snakes.....and on and on and on. We normally call my 86 year old great aunt to decipher it.

It was easier for me when h ignored me and now every time my phone beeps I jump.....I think it's normal. We still care. AJ has it right...phantom feelings

Hope you're doing ok:))))

[Portia]

I like that: phantom feelings.

If the holidays stir up the person in MLC, I think they do the same to the LBS. At least they are to me.

I am facing down a Christmas different from the others, worse than the others. New traditions will be made, I'm sure to take the place of the old ones.

Limbo is not a good place to be. Although I have acted as if Skippy is never coming back, I cannot seem to exorcize him from my head. Like a ghost that won't go away. I thought that when he called after all that time, that would open a bit of a door. But in true touch and go fashion, he has disappeared again.

And I want that last bit of him, out of my head. I want to start the new year fresh and hope that it is a better year than this last 18 months. No more losses, divorces, deaths. I wish there was a switch.

I know that I will be fine, never doubted it, really. But I want to be more than just fine. I want to fill those holes left by this last year.

I don't know what these touch and goes mean to the MLCer other than a check of some sort. I don't want to be touched and left anymore. I want him to go, if he's going. It is unhealthy and disappointing for me to keep up this...whatever it is.

I no longer have expectations of him but now I want that little flame of hope to die. Enough so that I can get to the point where I can face the future as it is and to stop thinking of things that we planned and now will not do. To get rid of the ghost of him and not look back.

[Portia]

Bright,

You were asking about the OW.

Skippy started going into MLC shortly after his father passed away in 2008.

By 2011, he was shopping around for an OW. I found out later that there were several "tries" before he got one to stick. That started sometime in the early months of 2012. Things got serious enough that he decided to tell me he was "interested" in dating someone (by the time he admitted to her existence, they were already out in public and sleeping together). They broke up or whatever over the holidays last year but got back together in the spring of 2013. According to Skippy, the "relationship did not work out" which brings us to this fall. I have no more details and I am assuming that he means with the same girl.

I truly believe that the MLCer does not let go of the LBS until they have a solid back up. Mine sure did. It is also very true that if it would not have been the one he ultimately tried with, it would have been someone else. She was nothing more than available...and needy since she was going through a divorce of her own.

I am not sure what you mean by "reason" that he walked away. The OW gave him the courage to walk away from me. Reason? He screwed up is the only one I could think of. He was awful to me after the cat was out of the bag. I finally just physically took myself even further out of the picture - I did not initiate contact at all. And while he was happy with OW, he did not contact me.

Truly cannot wait until he is gone out of my head and heart.

[RosaLinda]

"I want that last bit of him, out of my head. I want to start the new year fresh and hope that it is a better year than this last 18 months. No more losses, divorces, deaths. I wish there was a switch.
I know that I will be fine, never doubted it, really. But I want to be more than just fine. I want to fill those holes left by this last year.
I don't know what these touch and goes mean to the MLCer other than a check of some sort. I don't want to be touched and left anymore. I want him to go, if he's going. It is unhealthy and disappointing for me to keep up this...whatever it is."

You have truly had a rough rough year my friend. You have had to face many difficult and heartbreaking things alone, when you should have had your companion of a lifetime by your side, supporting you.

That being touched and left must hurt. It hurts me, I feel like I am going thru the same thing even though H is still living at home. I am ignored until he feels me pull away, then he swoops in and gives me a bit of attention (his "touch and go" does not actually involve TOUCHING me, he cannot bear to do that) and then he disappears again back into fantasy land, where everyone is always living it up dancing the Cossack Dance and drinking vodka. And it svcks, very very much.

Hopefully the T&Gs will stop fanning up your little flicker of hope and become just annoying, like it is to AJ. And the "phantom feelings" will go away. I'm not sure someone you loved for almost 20 years will ever be completely gone from your head and heart, but it sounds like you are getting a bit stronger every week. And you are right....you WILL be fine. Love you!!!