I've been catching up. The whole kid/h visitation thing just stinks. Especially when we still have feelings for H and WE are trying desperately to detach and separate ourselves. It's like dieting. We are trying to stay away from the bad foods, but, then, inevitably, someone brings in a bag of chips or ice cream and KABOOM!!
I think it's a slippery slope to try and manage the anxiety when the H comes around--for your kids sake. I know they sense it and you don't want them impacted by your feelings. At the same time, I think it's unrealistic to try "get to a place of serenity" before you are ready. It's just plain hard.
My daughter has Asperger's and she is incredibly intune to my every feeling. For the first year that Smokey was gone, I pretended I was fine. She would ask, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you (fill in the blank--angry, sad, insane?)???
I would say, "I'm fine." I'd lie. She sensed I was upset and then began to question herself--"Maybe I'm crazy for thinking mom seems sad (or whatever).
I changed my approach. I started owning my feelings with her.
MOM: Yes, I'm feeling yucky right now. But, that's how I feel RIGHT NOW and feelings change. I feel weird (I always use weird because it's a kid-safe emotion that sorta encompasses a lot of feelings)when Dad comes around. I know you can tell. It's not going to feel weird forever. I will be ok. You will be ok.
Your dad loves you lots and wants to see you. I want that too. We will be ok. It's ok to feel whatever you are feeling.
Something like that...
You know, IMHO, there are so MANY feelings attached to seeing dad come home for EVERYONE. It's impossible to handle it perfectly. AND, that's part of the consequence of his actions. You can't make this all better for your kids. And, that stinks because that's our job as moms to make it all better. WE can't.
My M.O., WHEN he comes around... be there when he arrives. Make pleasantries and go to my room. I'm nearby, but not messing with his time.
No easy answer to this one.
Much love to you.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
