A few months in and I really am less scared. And less confused. H has shined a gigantic spot light on our M. I hid and covered my eyes for a while but then I looked and now see things much more clearly. I see how things have been bad for longer than I was admitting. I see where I played my part. I also see clearer things I blamed H for me.
I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel but I have a teeny flashlight and at least see the top of the map.
Ok... done with the lighting imagery.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
So my PMA has deteriorated somewhat. I just checked my bank account and dislato red there is not enough money to pay S after school program. Turns out on Saturday when I was paying a baby sitter because H and I were both working H wasn't really working. He was spending money.
This was a huge issue before BD and something we always fought about. He would spend wuthout checking if we had the money or thinking about necessary expenses that were coming up. When I would try to get him to sit down and make a budget or discuss how we were going to pay for xyz he would refuse and things would escalate. He always accused me of exaggerating our money problems because I was afraid of ending up like my parents who had filed bankruptcy.
Many people have suggested I get a separate account but I can't cover household expenses on my own and feel I won't get anything from him without access to joint account.
Since BD I have not spoken to him about money. I have continued to shuffle and juggle without talking to him about it. I had foolishly hoped that without me telling him he couldn't spend money he would just stop on his own. I didn't even fuss when he spent 500 on a new pair of glasses. I called tomake arrangements to pay water bill late.
We have a lot more child care expenses this month due to my work schedule. I left H a message that I would like to sit down and discuss finances as well as see if he figured out when he was going to be able to stay home with H over break (I still haven't gotten an answer on that)
I am dreading this conversation. Any ideas how to handle it ???
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
If this is an ongoing problem, he's not going to suddenly change. Have you thought about seeing a L? I know that wounds scary but your S's needs aren't going to change just because he doesn't want to pay.
What are you ideas?
Become Mama Bear.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Well the talk didn't go well..actually it never happened. He tried to put it off till tomorrow and we ended up making an appointment to talk on Saturday. I got madder than I wanted to. He wouldn't even turn his head to look at me. I I didn't blow up but did say that he may be done with me but he still had responsibility to S and house.
I am not ready to talk to L. That seems so final. I did an online support calculator and based on that I am better off keeping our finances together for now.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Is it typical for WASs to grow more hostile as time goes on. My H is still living in same house but we have little contact. I have stopped asking where he is going/has been. Stopped asking who he is talking/texting. Stopped checking on him when he sits in car. I told him last week he didn't have to pick a fight with me if he wanted to go out just go. (That was the first time he has spent the entire night away. I thought he would be going out a lot more after that but that hasn't been the case)
I have tried very hard to give him what he wants. Freedom to do whatever he wants. On the rare occasions I have had to talk to him about S or household business I am met with increasing hostility. Glares, slamming doors and general meanness.
Why? I know I am not supposed to try to figure out what is going on in his head but this is driving me crazy.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
