Feel like falling down

[JuneReN]

Yup, it's Ruby and listen to Gabbysmom...and me...and job.

Or don't hun, because ultimately it is your life.

Sit with this for a while longer. It's not until January.

What can you do to shake yourself up? You are a little in panic mode right now and angry as well. I get that. This is not the place to ask H to go to what is essentially counselling, again, when he has refused time and time again.

[AJM]

I have to say, I see both sides of this.

Do I get my heart broken again because he may not be into it?perhaps. But atleast I could say that I tried...

I get that you want to say you at least tried. But you're guessing what he'll say. You have already had the conversation in your head And he very likely won't go.


How about this? What are you doing for YOU? You've been kind and accommodating to him so far. Has that helped? How do you feel about that? How are you going to feel about that a year from now? Are you going to regret it?

What about you? What do you want overall, and not just to save your marriage. How about saving YOU? What's the plan for that?

AJ

[willbwell]

I do know my plan for me.

I am in school. Can't really work until I finish that which will be next September, but a step closer...

I am a great mom. I know that.

I am healthy(physically) I do yoga. I bought dance lessons on groupon. I will be 49. I am aging as we all do, but I look good. I am fit. I take care of myself.

I has wonderful friends and family. They are a blessing.
I am spiritual.... I pray . God is my Shepherd.

I am getting out more and more with new activities/people.

I was on Match a while last year just to see.... H asked what I wrote in my profile. I told h, I wrote what he already knows...

I am good, sweet, kind, sexy, fun, and happy.
H is a fool.

H and I will forever be connected because of our d15. She will forever need care. She will most likely live with me into her late 20's. Perhaps go to a group home in her 30's. She will always need someone to manage her care.

I am nice to h. When he comes around, I seem to forget the damage he has done to me and our family.
when I stop and think about it, it is sickening how little he is around S17. It is the same story for all of us . I know.

I know I am afraid of my anger. so I smooth over and avoid it.

A year from now... we may be divorced. I believe we will continue to behave in the same way. polite, nice. H doing his thing. me doing mine.

[AJM]

This is what worries me about your plan:

I know I am afraid of my anger. so I smooth over and avoid it.

A year from now... we may be divorced. I believe we will continue to behave in the same way. polite, nice. H doing his thing. me doing mine.

Not because you have anger, but because you are afraid of it. I have been very similar all of my life. I do agree you need to find a safe way to vent that anger, but it's not likely your H will be around for a long time. By the time he is, you will have moved on. He is a fool, but then again I'm guessing he didn't ask for this either.

As for your anger. I know for me it was a scary thing to me as a child. I could get so angry I lost control of my thoughts and actions. I didn't like that. I was five when I realized that. I realized as well that if you're that angry others can control you. Funny how that works, but is a truth I've come to know. Why are you afraid of your anger?

As a Christian you've lived long enough to know that life is life. That the goal is not to be married, or rich, or beautiful or at peace, or .... etc. How's that shaping up for you in all of this?

Again, I agree you have to be able to say you tried everything. I think you've done what you could, but I also think unless and until you deal with that anger, not outwardly, but inwardly, you aren't at your best. He's done what he's going to do, but it'll get worse. You think at this point he'll be in your lives forever - he may not. For a variety of reasons, he may not be. Heck, you may not be. So let's not get ahead of the horse in this one, right? I think it's better to unwind the string ball one string at a time and figure out what's best for you regardless what he does or does not do.

I think my ex thought we'd be cordial and polite and friendly as well. She started cheating/lying etc when my youngest was 10. We were married for 20 years when it was all said and done. She said she wanted to be friends etc, but just didn't want to be married any longer. That devolved into much more - she accused me of all kinds of things from beating the kids to cheating on her etc. In other words, it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her and her own mind. She told me at the time there was nobody else etc. She remarried less than a year after the divorce was finalized.

In other words, you can only control you. The rest is not something you are qualified to predict. Instead, focus in on you - you can control you and there are some things that need dealing with.

AJ

[willbwell]

yeah, just came from mass. the message today...I wrote it down-
Be someone who brings Peace in the world.
Because you make sure that everything you do is peaceful.

I am afraid of the anger because I see it as ugly, and overwhelming. I have stomped. I have cried, I have cursed

I don't know what else I can do.

What I can do. What I have control over is to go out and do good and to not harm and to appreciate and to give...

[RosaLinda]

Sorry to see you hurting so, WBW. I am a person who rarely feels angry, so can't really understand what you are feeling. My good friend told me I am turning my anger inward and it makes me depressed. But what I do to feel better is to think of a bunch of things that I am grateful for, and then find something to do to help someone else. A prayer, a phone call, a visit, some cup cakes. A card. Some money even.

I bet exercising helps too. You do yoga and say you have stomped and cursed (that always helps me too LOL) how about running around the block? You gotta get that anger out WB, it'll kill you.

[willbwell]

My mom has said when I was little and mad or not liking a situation, I would say..." I am going to bed!"

I remember doing this!
I still do it.

Who has the tag-View from the Blanket(Ruby??) That is exactly how I feel.
Can't stay there though, got kids, studies...
Its depression, I know. I do take an AD. It def helps.
I do the right things...

had a session with DB coach yesterday. It was good of course.
We did talk about retrouvaille.
we did talk about Last resort letter to h.
I am thinking on all of this.

have exams coming up, so that is where my focus is today

[JuneReN]

View from the Blanket is Busting

Anger is good, avoidance bad.

I know I say that anger often is the mask for something else and it is. But if you don't let it out, you can't really look at it to identify what is going on.

I have said to H, look, I am not in a place to talk with you right now, give me some time, I have a few things to work out. He respects that sometimes, it is about him. and sometimes I need to think about things a bit.

I will also tell him if I am angry and apologize if it has been misplaced or explain why I was angry (usually fear, hurt, mistrust, frustration). This has gotten less though.

I am student too, I am same age and won't have job 'til September...are you sure you're not me? :P

[willbwell]

ha! you don't want to be me! you sound like you are further evolved ruby!

have a good day everybody. I have to hit the books!

[bustingout]

WBW how are you doing today? How is studying going????

I understand you about the anger. I used to scream and shout and let it all out....

It took me BD....a lot of reading, journaling, coaching and introspection to understand how letting my anger out on other people is NOT healthy or fair. In fact it was very selfish because in fact I was just hurting other people so I could feel better. It meant I was not expressing myself or my needs, or even understanding where the anger was coming from.

I was miserable from the inside.

And I never felt better for it.

And I hurt others for it.

Now? after starting to learn how to control my emotions and not hurt other people when I express myself or lash out when I am scared and hurt (I am still learning...always learning)...I have for the first time felt a true sense of calm from within.

I guess what I am trying to say is finding ways to not repress the anger, in ways that are healthy for you and actually release the frustration rather than build to it....

Working through the emotion....it has been invaluable to me.

You have of thoughts and emotions going on right now... take time to work though it.

(((((hugs)))))