And I just keep going...

[keep_going]

And now the update...

As I had mentioned, my R with H had dramatically improved in the last month or so. Last Tuesday we went out for dinner as a family again and took the girls to see Frozen. We all had a great time!

Then on Tuesday night he sent me another email:

"I really wanted to tell you how grateful I am for the effort you've made in our relationship. I must admit that I am still a bit surprised by the whole thing.
I know that I haven't always been cooperative the last few years and I wanted you to know (for the millionth time) that I'm so sorry for that. I am trying too. I'm trying to be straightforward and cooperative and open, while being sensitive to your feelings. I've hated always being suspect and closed off to you. I feel like that has changed a lot.
Seeing how much the kids appreciate our effort has been amazing for me.
I am so worried that things will fall apart at any moment and that we will be back to square one - whether it's spurred by me letting you down because I tend to screw up or even you hearing that the kids spent time with OW. The doubt is always in the back of my mind and I'm trying to let it go.
So there's one thing I wanted to bring up and at least acknowledge. The truth is that I struggle with wanting to be transparent with you so as not to "blindside" you, and I've also struggled with knowing that there's certain things about my life that you'd prefer I keep to myself.
It got me thinking that on the occasions that I do see OW, I feel silly and evasive sometimes just saying "I (we) have plans" in order to avoid the conversation, and in all honesty, I don't know what you want to know and what you don't. It's almost like we have developed this policy of "don't ask, don't tell" that usually causes its own problems.
Yet the bottom line is that it hurts you whether I tell you things or whether I hide them from you. In all truth, I think it's better that we don't talk about her, but I know that on the rare occasion the kids see her, you're going to hear about it from them anyways and then you'll feel like I hid it from you. So I just don't know what to do.
I want you to know that I'm not expecting a response (unless you want to), but I did want to at least acknowledge my ongoing dilemma. I'm not sure if there is a way to resolve it, but at least you know where I stand.
I am going to keep trying to be cooperative and open to you. I think it's the one choice that I seem certain about in my life right now. I hope you see that I'm trying."



I know my H - he is a conflict avoider and this was his way of telling me we was back with OW, without having to say it flat out. I wondered about the timing of the email as well. Well, the very next day (Wed) OW came to town and spent the day with my kids, baking pie for Thanksgiving dinner, which they spent at my MIL.

I found out about those events through my D6 and D5 on Friday morning, when H dropped them off. First thing they did when I opened the door was to excitedly start telling me all about Thanksgiving with Grandma and OW. They had brought the toys that OW had given them as presents.
Ouch... Ouch and ouch again...

First thing I did was hug them and then I handed the toys back to H and told the kids that it was better for daddy to take those toys back to his place so they would have something new to play with when they went back there...

What did I feel? Hurt, anger, disappointment and everything in between.

The realization that OW is back and forefront once again in my kids' life - that is the hardest. I don't know if that will ever get easier, but I really, really hope so.

Knowing that MIL has now welcomed OW to her house - when my kids are there - that hurts... A lot. Yes, I cannot control that and yes, it was a matter of time, but heck - it still hurts. That woman has been like a second mother to me and I have always been (and treated her) like a daughter. I know - blood is thicker and H is her son, so ultimately she needs to be supportive.

The whole toy thing - I think that was extremely insensitive of H. I know he didn't do it on purpose. In fact, I know it probably never crossed his mind. He just doesn't think about my feelings and is simply clueless, yet it was still insensitive.
It hits you hard, specially when you are not expecting it and it comes from the kids. No other choice but tough it out in front of them and pretend all is good.

And finally, knowing that they are back together. IDK, It's been three years, against all odds, long distance, with all the challenges in the world, yet they keep making an effort to make it work. I cannot predict the future, but the odds are simply just not good at this point.

The only thing I did was text H that I thought it was insensitive of him to bring the toys and that it hurt me. I also told him that his email from the night before now made sense to me.

He apologize for bringing the toys and agreed it was a bad move. He said he wants our R to continue to improve and be friends. I responded that I would continue to be polite and get along, but that at this point a friendship was not feasable to me. I added that there is no room for OW and me in his social life and that as long as she is in the picture, we cannot be friends.

Not DB at all, but that is the boundary that I set for myself many months ago. I tried unsuccessfully for a couple of years to try to be a friend for H, ignoring his R with OW. Every effort ended in setbacks and conflict, because in the end, I felt disrespected and taken advantage of. I know others are strong and can do that w/o feeling like their spouses are cake-eating, but the OW issue is a deal-breaker to me.

I know that to be at peace and not live with anger I will have to go dim with H as long as OW is in the picture. Probably won't save my M, but at least I can continue healing and that is all I can control for now.

IF and when she is gone - we'll see...