And I just keep going...

[keep_going]

Hi guys,

Thanks again to everyone for stopping by and all the food for thought. I am lucky!

Bug, Busting, Bright Future - Thanks for the nice compliments - you are all so sweet and supportive!

You're a good person for not saying "but how can I put you on my insurance when we're not married?"

Acc - I am actually not such a good person... I initially added him because he is the father of my kids and I wouldn't want anything to happen to him health-wise and it really doesn't cost me more.

Yet, literally a week after I added him, the refund for last year's taxes arrived. (We filed as a married couple for the joint tax benefits - or so I thought...) Yet he took all the money and spent it all on repaying his personal cc debt w/o telling me about it. I was terribly hurt and called him out on it (not DB at all) I told him that for some things he wants to hold on to our married status, like health insurance or tax benefits, yet for others he acts like we are not. He claims all the money was his since I didn't work last year.
I guess we just see things differently and believe me - when that happened, I wished I had not added him to my insurance - lol...



Ad - Thanks for stopping by! I read every one of your updates - I learn so much from them and I love to see all your introspection.

I had a weird response to your story of H's apology. I thought, wow, if my H had 1/1,000,000,000 of the emotional depth and ability to articulate feelings that your H displayed in just his apology, maybe we would have been ok. Then - NO - maybe we're more hopeless than ever because even a guy that could say that is still not rushing back into his wife's arms to repair the marriage together.

I have fallen more into the second line of thinking - he is sorry for all the hurt he caused, yet his regret is not enough to make him have second thoughts, so the situation feels hopeless. I admit this is my own negative thinking acting as a defense mechanism. If I just mentally fall back to the worst possible scenario, I will save myself from hurt down the road. Not healthy, but human. (I believe Busting wrote about this on her thread not too long ago. That made me realize I fall into this negative thinking trap.)

By GAL now, you decrease the chance of finding yourself in that superwoman RUT again.

25- Thanks for all the advice. I hear you on the dangers of the superwoman thing. Look - there are certain things about my situation right now that I cannot change. One of them is the fact that I have to pay the bills and support my three kids on my own. So in a way, all single parents in a tough financial position are "superheroes". As for the GAL, trust me - I try to get in as much as my limited free time allows - socializing, movies, reading, going to the beach. I have also started cooking as a hobby, trying new things I have never done before.

The part that would be lacking is trying new activities and definitely exercising more - I still need to find the discipline to carve time out for that. Right now I prioritize by cultivating the relationships I already have and to which I really don't give that much of my time in the first place...

Apologies are good for sure but there are two kinds. Those that turn into new actions/ and those that are said.. just to be said.

Val! So good to hear from you!

I agree with you that time would tell what kind of apology I got from H.

Well, I found out the day after Thanksgiving that a) H indeed had broken up with OW for a couple of months. b) They are back together again.
I received another email from him just the day before I found out about this. It was unsolicited and the content and timing seemed suspect to me. I will update on that later, but his actions lately seem to indicate that he is sorry he hurt me, but not sorry enough to change his behavior.

I read somewhere that sometimes people apologize to appease their own guilt. They look for forgiveness from the hurt party to give themselves permission to continue with their behavior...

isn't it liberating to just let go of the anger? It is like a knot that gets tighter and tighter and then one day the knot just sort of unties itself and everything appears to be different.

2thep - Thank you for your post!
What you say about anger is so, so true... I have admitted before that my biggest deamon has been anger. Yes, it is liberating to take the bull by the horns and take control of what controls us. It will be a life-long fight for me and it's not always easy. The Thanksgiving holiday was a big test for me (more on that later). But I rode the wave and against all my instincts, I didn't act negatively on my hurt and everything I was feeling and that is a positive step! I feel much better now.

So KG, I don't see a reason for you to change your course of action (b/c frankly, it's working when we remind ourselves that the main goal of our work here is OUR work, and yours IS succeeding b/c you are becoming your better/best self and you are feeling more contentment...

AND KG

Let's laugh together soon!

I agree completely with the above, 25. Thanks for the support, and yes - we'll laugh together very soon!

BklynMom - Thank you for stopping by. I just caught up on your thread - I am sorry about the D, but you are doing an amazing job of moving forward with your life! I wish we lived in the same area - we could have play dates with our girls...


Hugs to you all!!!