Hi everyone! Thanks for checking on me, you guys are just the best, most loyal bunch of friends a gal could have. I have not updated my thread because I did not want to write anything negative, and have been feeling SO depressed and down.
Thanksgiving was nice; good food, good company, lots to be grateful for. H had gone back over to stay with his mom again, for the third time in two weeks. That upset me. But S28 drove me to my SIL's house (H's sister) and H met us there. He acted really strange, although what else is new, and sat next to me on the couch during foot ball and at dinner too. But he did not say one single word to me the whole time. I was wondering if he was trying to "keep up appearances." With this in mind, when it was time to leave, I tried to kiss him goodbye. I guess that keeping up appearances doesn't go so far as to want to kiss the likes of me though It was fun driving with S28, as I am allowed to sing in the car!
I worked the overnight shift TG night, and the ER was strangely quiet, except for my section, which was full of a strange mix of patients who were critically ill and near death (which I love) and belligerent drunks who wanted to beat me up (which I don't love). Sigh....
Until this morning, H had really not talked to me since November 15th. 18 days of radio silence. Well that's not totally true, he grunted in my direction a few times, and a few days ago he said "Didn't you F-ing notice that the F-ing damper is half closed and the F-ing house is filled with smoke." Um, no. Most of the time I was the Invisible Wife (sounds like a super hero huh?) but at times I could feel anger and coldness radiating off him.
So I stupidly decided to try to make him talk to me. I went and stood next to him while he was watching football Sunday night, probably not such a good idea huh? I just stood there until he finally looked up at me, and said that he hasn't talked to me in so long, is something wrong? He sort of grunted and went back to the game.
And strangely, this strange feeling come over me. A feeling of dislike, anger, disdain. A questioning feeling -- who is this frigging stranger I have been living with for the past 4 years and why the hell did I ever think that I loved him.
It was very upsetting. I went and cried for the loss of my love for my H. uRw told me a long time ago to put my love and marriage into a little box for safe keeping, but I think I waited too long. My heart is lying still and cold in the bottom of the little box. I poked at it a couple of times. I think it's still alive, but just barely, sort of gasping for air.
I cried because he was my life. My heart leapt with joy when I saw him. He was my heart and soul. I still care about him, but that overwhelming, unconditional love seems to be gone.
I tried talking to him again yesterday morning while he was cooking his rotten oatmeal, asked him if something is bothering him. He said no, is something bothering you? Instead of speaking the truth (hell yes!) I said no and left. I figured this is good, maybe now I can start to detach. To go dark. Semi-dark, anyway.
And now this morning when I got home from my hearing, he is acting all chatty and nice, as if everything was normal. He even asked me how my hearing went, and told me about some used shoes he bought on eBay, which are, by the way, the exact same size of the slippers I bought him for his birthday, which he had me return because they were the wrong size, but refused to even try them on.
I guess it is that frigging pursuit/withdrawal dance again. We've been out on that dance floor before. I'm going to try not to get suckered into getting back on the dance floor with him this time.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
You don't have to put up with H's rudeness, ya know. You can confront H and say, "Do you realize how you've been behaving lately is extremely rude?" I wouldn't put up with that myself. It is just me.
Sorry that H has been acting off lately. I'm thinking that H's mom has scolded him privately behind these walls at her home for H's wayward behavior with RT and he's feeling silly. Morose behaviors are a result of parental scolding, didja notice? That is why I think H has been behaving rudely lately.
Hi RL.... stand up for yourself.. Dont accept his crap !!! You are not a carpet to be walked on. I am proud of myself when I do this.... I think he is "starting" to get it!
I agree with uRw.... MLC or not... not accepting crap!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I have to agree with the other girls Linda. He has been doing this too long and I think he needs to see a boundary from you. It's kind of like teenage behavior because it is EXACTLY where my S is at right now. Appears to be sulking and not conversant at all. I finally set a boundary with him. I do think it would give you a little boost of feeling better too. I really do.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
RL, I have to agree with the others. I had to do this myself because H was being very rude. Now all of a sudden he is not quite as bad.
Your H has to understand you are holding all of the cards. You are the much better person. You are the one who is supporting him and he has the nerve to be rude? No one deserves to be treated bad, especially someone as wonderful as you.
Wonka I like your observation. In my eyes I don't understand how her H thinks he can treat someone that way after all they do for them. I realize he is mlc but that doesn't give him a free pass like everyone says here.
RL I realize you still love him, just like I still love my h but stand up for yourself. That was one thing that my c said to both me and my h that no matter what we need to stand up for ourselves. No one deserves to be treated bad.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
When you are feeling low, we are here to lift you up. And that includes helping you to set boundaries and demand respect from your extraordinarily selfish H.
He deserves a swift kick in the arse.
See how we you are recognizing the patterns? The minute you are not following him around, he feels that absence.
RL you have loved him for this long and put up with an enormous amount of crap with an amazingly amount of grace. Time to give him what he appears to be begging for. Leave him the heck alone. No more trying to get his attention. He needs to get your attention in a good way.
His loss.
No one whose heart is as big as yours will ever not love. You have that gift.
Hi Rosa Linda. I used to get the grunt responses, usually without any eye contact. If you don't address it you will continue to get the same. What worked pretty well for me was this: I'd look her right in the eye, and in a most pleasant manner say something like "Pardon me? I didn't hear what you said".
She would usually reply back in a more respectful manner. After enough times of doing this the grunting behavior pretty much went away. I still get one here or there, and will sometimes just let it go. I don't have to make an issue out of everything.
Since like us, you guys live together, you can really turn this kind of rude behavior around quickly if you work on it.
Do you guys ever argue? It doesn't seem like you do. How did you both work out differences during the better times? You know it's normal and even beneficial to have some arguments with your spouse as long as you do it properly.
I'm not suggesting you go and pick a fight, but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and have your say. Besides, if you hold it in too long you're likely to blow up on him when you can't take it any longer. Better to say something constructive before that happens!
Do this and you will feel better about yourself, because action gives you a sense of control. Plus you never know... it also may be the reality H needs right now to help him decide to move out of his funk.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
hjust thinking ofyou because i have on you tube music and got listening to (get this)neil sedaka and then john denver - who is making me blubberie - he's soooooo sappy & i like him quite alot. too bad he crashed and died.
anyway- very oldie timey sentimental stuff- wah wah
oh well- back to cleaning up here- it's waaaay tooooo un-babyproof around here- these poor kids- all i do is yell & nag-
oh well- hope your day is okay- xxoo still being nice- makes me moi suspicious - ya know???? i'm just sayin.
It was fun driving with S28, as I am allowed to sing in the car!