Good advice AJ. I hadn't really thought about the typing. I was actually texting a couple if guys about the possible job move trying to sort out some stuff and just thought about checking in while I had my phone out. I guess her radar turns on quickly just like mine does when she is texting. Of course, I don't do what she does, but I suppose that doesn't matter.
Been praying and thinking real hard on the job situation. I've still got some time to pull the trigger on it, but it will definitely uncomplicate my life. What it does for my M, IDK and don't care at this point.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
As for the job, funny that isn't it? She thinks that this about her? And about you manipulating her to save the marriage. How dare you? LOL.
AJ, this is so nutty but true! I felt it when I read it, but you put it into words.
J, it's like she put you in a position to apologize for putting the family/marriage first. Crazeeeeee...
I think you are doing great. Sooooo impressed. You definitely becoming the best dad and husband and person you can be. That's the bomb. Give yourself an ATTA BOY. :-)
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I think you are doing great. Sooooo impressed. You definitely becoming the best dad and husband and person you can be. That's the bomb. Give yourself an ATTA BOY. :-)
Thanks for the props Heather. Just wish W wasn't in such a stupor and could see how hard I'm working for myself and my kids. Maybe she wouldn't be do quick to throw away 20 years and constantly tell me "I DO NOT LOVE YOU."
I'm really having a hard time figuring out how to handle the money situation. Each month I think I'm gonna set up something else to be drafted from our checking account. That way, everything is taken care of and she can't F it up.
BTW, nothing surprises me anymore. W was in a big hurry to get home from bball game so she could watch her favorite team on TV. So I took S12 through to get something to eat and still beat her and S10 home. W suddenly decided to go to grocery store. Came in with a SELF magazine. I'm sure it had great tips on being a fantastic MILF and attracting hot men.
You guys all told me it would get worse before it got better. I see that is true. Not sure how bad it's gonna get, but she's losing touch with reality real fast. Her friends have got to be seeing this. If she is being this absent minded and out of touch at work and in their convos they can't miss it.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Her crazeee will rise to the surface soon enough. No worries. By the end, only those deeply in denial-themselves- will be able to rationalize her behavior.
Stay the course. Keep the focus on you. Try to remember the pain she is in-it makes it easier to swallow the really awful stuff. I sometimes think the "believe half of what they do" is a good rule for those of us left behind too. We have such a tendency to spin our own fantasies of what the MLC-er is doing. And, most of it, is in our own heads.
You can't control her feelings, thoughts or behavior. Let her go to figure this out.
Sounds like you are keeping busy and working hard at fatherhood. As it should be.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
And, don't leave out the possibility of her losing her job when you are deciding on this other position. My H switched jobs, but I know there are some who are fired or quit. I'm sure you will do the right thing--but, keep this possibility in the mix.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
She won't see it right now JF. Sad, but true. You're doing it for you anyway right? Huh, huh, huh?
I think you should do that with your money sitch, will take some stress off of your mind.
Very telling about her buying a SELF magazine, since she is into herSELF and not very SELF aware and being very SELFish.
Hee!
Trust me, her friends are seeing it. But as friends often do, they try to support the path they are taking. Some may call her on it, but most won't.
I personally think it was great to get her wondering about you texting. Not that you want to start that argument but sometimes I think they need to wonder a bit.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
And, don't leave out the possibility of her losing her job when you are deciding on this other position. My H switched jobs, but I know there are some who are fired or quit. I'm sure you will do the right thing--but, keep this possibility in the mix.
Very small chance of her having a job problem unless she just dropped off the face of the earth. She's a goddess at her school where she teaches. Been there for 17 years. It's amazing the friends she has gravitated towards in the last year or so. I sat and watched her talk last night with 2 people while at bball game: 1) BFF who has been on the brink of D for over 2 years from a H who has lost 2 jobs, drinks, smokes, and is verbally abusive to their kids. 2) Another coworker that is recently D and is happier than ever with her new man. This is the woman that W has talked about like a dog because of her treatment of her 2 daughters. One is a sexually promiscuous 15 year old who sneaks out of the house and the other is a 4 year old that wanders away from the house into neighbors homes all the time. These are the folks W is talking to for hours at a time. Filling her head with more BS.
The one friend that I know is happily married and has tried to talk rational with her she talks to only randomly now. They work right beside of one another, but outside of work have very little conversation now. Funny isn't it?
Reflecting on her latest rant this weekend I thought I'd share MLC logic with everyone. Classics I heard:
-Have you ever thought that I don't want to wash clothes, do dishes, or sweep the floors because I don't want to be here with you?
-Maybe I don't want to pay bills because I don't want to be anything with you.
I failed to realize that these were acts of love. I guess I'll call the bank and explain that we are behind on the mortgage because W doesn't love me anymore. I'm sure they will appreciate the logic.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Yes, they do gravitate towards those who are more likely to affirm their thoughts, and away from those who may challenge their thoughts. "Birds of a feather..." and all that. Humans do that.
You will be getting quite a few head scratchers in the logic dept....you will be amazed. So, best to toss any, and I mean ANY, logic expectations out for quite a while.
You don't want to be in her head, trust me, it's "interesting" in there. So.....stay out of it.
You may, however, want to write these down as you go along, you may have a star-making stand-up comedy routine after all is said and done. "You just might be in MLC when you......"
Hang in there my friend, develop a sense of humor, it helps, and keep those rational, logical expectations locked up tightly. Kansas has gone bye-bye for the foreseeable future.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
oh, and further down the road, when you can start piecing together what in her past are the stimuli for the current responses...you will find the is actually a method, a strange logic, to the madness.
Just live your life...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
oh, and further down the road, when you can start piecing together what in her past are the stimuli for the current responses...you will find the is actually a method, a strange logic, to the madness.
The funny thing is, I can pretty clearly put together the pieces of why this is happening to her. Her roots are right there for me too see because I know her better than anyone. W has even admitted that she's lucky she's not more screwed up than she is. I've read enough about MLC and "chaos kids" to easily look at my troubled bride and understand why she is where she is. She is currently exploring through social media, texting, flirting, sexting, etc. all that freedom that she missed.
-Runaway mother at age 12 made her ultimately responsible for her father and her brother. Mom ran to several men over the years of disconnect and was gone during W's teenage and formative years. She became homemaker and caretaker at age 12.
-Father who never thought she was good enough. A 98 on a test should have been 100. A double in softball should have been a triple.
-Tight connection to grandparents and extended family that have all died at this point. Last grandmother passed away in the spring. (One of her triggers.) W had drifted away from her.
-First sexual encounter was when she was raped at age 16 by an acquaintance. It took her 20 years and the onset of her MLC to ever tell me the details.
-Complete loss of identity. Only window in her life where she was an individual was when I met her in college and fell in love with that beautiful, vibrant woman.
She has at least 3 different and distinct personalities (children) that exist and need to be reconciled and integrated. 1-Rejected child that is constantly seeking the approval of others, especially men. 2-Nurturer, mother that feels the need to take care of everyone and everything. I don't need anyone syndrome. 3-Wild child that is free and gets to enjoy herself physically, sexually, etc.
When she makes it out of the tunnel, I understand that there most be integration of each of these personalities. During her journey as I get it, she has to revisit all of these crises and close the doors on them. Each of these "children" will be integrated into W 2.0 that survives this mess. Problem with them all is that they have to do the work and have to realize at some point what is happening. Other problem is the wide path of destruction.
Sorry for the analysis. I'm trying so hard to understand why my beautiful bride has turned into this selfish being that I'm living with now.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
