Reaching out for support and advice!!

[juliegayle]

In the beginning there were a few 180s I was practing re: the way I behaved in our relationship. Showing more of an interest in his work, being more "go with the flow", doing more around the house, and being more forgiving. I was sincere in my efforts and the last in particular was a big step for me.

He accused me of being fake and was very angry that I was trying to change now when he had already decided it was too late. His anger got too much for me and since he is living in house I have now gone into protection mode and am doing 37 rules as much as possible.

I do think we are in somewhat different places. My H is oretty adamant that he is done. The fact that your H is going to Retrovaille suggests he is still open to working on things. Is the OW still in the picture?

Detaching is sooo hard. I'm still taking it minute by minute. Maybe by next week I can graduate to hour by hour!

[bluesgal]

[/quote]He accused me of being fake and was very angry that I was trying to change now when he had already decided it was too late. [quote]

Sounds so familiar!

Yes, the OW is out of the picture for now. She ended it with him or I believe he would still be fully involved.

My H attitude is souring toward retro. I have a feeling he is going to attempt to sabotage the event. I cannot say why I feel that way, and there's no use in losing sleep over it for now. His anger reached a new level today. Now rewriting history about our entire marriage, not just the last 3 year. Blah, blah, blah

[juliegayle]

Love the rewrites. My H has gone pre marriage and picked one little tiny event that we don't remember the same way. He says because we saw that one thing differently (and believe it is a truly tiny thing) our entire marriage is a lie.

It really bothered me at first. Not only was he taking away my life as I knew it but also my good memories. I finally decided I wasn't going to let him do that. My memories are mine.

[bluesgal]

Great job Julie! Your memories are also "fog-free"

[bluesgal]

I had a great counseling session yesterday. She reminds me not to personalize the hurtful behavior from my H.

H and I went to our daughters Bball game last night and sat by one another. Laughed, joked. Talked the whole way there and home. Then, we stopped and got a bite to eat and had good conversation. I am patting myself on the back for great listening. This is a 180 for me. Normally, I do most of the talking and interrupting. I sat and listened, validated, shook my head, turned my body towards him. I asked him questions, gave eye contact. It was not always easy as he complained about me off and on. He is not easy on me. I was not defensive (Big 180)

My mind feels great about our interaction last night, but my body says different. I've lost my appetite again and feeling very down. I don't know why because whenever we've had good exchanges since the B, I've always felt happy. Maybe it's because I see how far apart we are. How far we'll need to go. I just don't know, but I can't shake this uneasy feeling today.

[RealityTrip]

Hi Blue, Good job listening to H last night, even while he talked about you. We can learn a lot about ourselves from our S's if we do just that. Listen. They are not always right and can be very provacative to elicit a reaction from us, but you are holding to a personal 180 for yourself and that is wonderful.

Uneasy feelings will come and go. Some of my mentors here used to coach me through my earlier tough days by encouraging me to ride the emotions like waves. Not to run from the hard stuff, but to really feel it for as long as I could stand it in order to process and understand. To heal. It's advice I still use today... on my tough days. When you've had enough, simply put that uneasiness in a box on the shelf in your mind and come back when you ready.

Glad you have IC too. Whew! What a godsend right? ((((( ))))

[bluesgal]

I think the toughest part right now is seeing a different person. Not just a dishonest person who cheated on me. A person who no longer values the things they were once interested in. A person who no longer holds their friends or family close to them. A person who says they miss their kids...then fails to communicate with or see them when they are able.

I do not like the person he has become.
Thank you, Reality Trip, for the encouragement. I will keep trudging along

[melissag]

My mind feels great about our interaction last night, but my body says different. I've lost my appetite again and feeling very down. I don't know why because whenever we've had good exchanges since the B, I've always felt happy. Maybe it's because I see how far apart we are. How far we'll need to go. I just don't know, but I can't shake this uneasy feeling today.

BG, I am glad that things went well with your H. And I know what you mean about feeling crappy when you feel like you should be pleased with the interaction. I think sometimes that happens to me after a good interaction because it feels so good to be with him, and then it's ruined by him going him to his apartment instead of with me and the kids, or whatever it is that reminds me that we are S. Yuck. It also brings bad the vulnerability and uncertainty, which are hard to sit with sometimes.

Don't fight the bad feelings and anxiety, but don't let them overwhelm you. Just notice you are feeling that way, and let it be OK. There are going to be times (lots of them) when you feel yucky. Keep in mind that you will feel better soon, and refocus on your goals.

Hang in there, you are doing great!

[bluesgal]

Thanks Melissa
I just don't get it, though. Why does my H just 'exist'? He doesn't leave or file divorce. He doesn't want to work on our M. He just goes through the motions of life.

If asked (Which I don't do anymore) he gets incredibly angry and cannot even hold a normal human conversation. Why can't he just say I'd like to move in (fill in the blank) direction?

How can they look at their family and not know if they want to do everything they can to keep them together?

[melissag]

Thanks Melissa
I just don't get it, though. Why does my H just 'exist'? He doesn't leave or file divorce. He doesn't want to work on our M. He just goes through the motions of life.

If asked (Which I don't do anymore) he gets incredibly angry and cannot even hold a normal human conversation. Why can't he just say I'd like to move in (fill in the blank) direction?

How can they look at their family and not know if they want to do everything they can to keep them together?

Well, I won't pretend to know what your H or my H or any other WAS is thinking, but I'll take a crack at this anyway.

I think that the WAS doesn't know what he/she wants to do.

I think that the WAS is in a very selfish place, and convinces him/herself that everyone in the family will be happier if he/she is happy.

I think the WAS has no idea what makes him/her happy. Or maybe thinks one thing makes him/her happy one day, but then something else the next.

I know that my H is SO much happier now that he feels he has no obligations. (I won't argue this point right now, ha ha.) He feels that he can do whatever he wants to make himself happy, and doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. The obligation, I think, is what makes a lot of WASs feel trapped. And once they are set free (whether by BD or physical separation), they no longer feel the need to immediately D. But - they also are not even close to being ready to R. So there they are, in sort of a limbo land. And that's fine with them, because it's better than either of the other options.

I also think that a lot of WASs, once they get to this in between state, want to test out a new life while not completely leaving the old one. I hate to say it, but I think it's true. Because, I think that for most WASs, it's harder for them to walk away than the LBS thinks, or than the WAS makes it seem.

Also, with respect to the family, maybe someone else can throw in his/her two cents, but I can only come up with (a) because of WAS's life experience, beliefs, or whatever, he/she doesn't think that D is a big deal for families; or (b) the WAS is just being incredibly selfish and can see nothing past his pain and misery. He tells himself that he does NOT want to break up the family, but that he has NO CHOICE because he is so miserable and the M is utterly hopeless. (And most likely, it is all the LBS's fault.)