Look what the cat dragged in! (TL)

[Pudmuddle]

tiger, it sounds like you had some really good talks with your H, things that needed to be said. Maybe conversations that have needed to happen for quite awhile. Your H seems mostly lucid during these convos, lol, which is a good thing.

and the hat...really? LMAO!! what is it with mlc'ers and hats, especially ones that do nothing for them. My H is strictly a baseball hat kinda guy, so if he starts wearing something different, I would really wonder...and have a good laugh. Just have to make sure I didn't laugh AT him.

2t, I probably will be doing just that, setting up the tree and decorating by myself. I think I have done that at least the past 3 years. You're right.

I wish I only got HALF the nakedness you two are getting! Sheesh, makes a girl cry. LOL.

[Pudmuddle]

tiger, i sent you a friend request on fb. Hope you find us soon!

[tigerlily78]

Thanks so much again to Pud and everyone for the warm facebook welcome. It made my day to have friend requests to wake up to (even if it was close to 11am when I woke up).

Today was an up and down day. I should have left well enough alone, but for whatever reason felt like I could poke the bear a little today.

Needed to bring my son more of his meds he takes during school hours, H acted like HE wanted to go do it, because he had other plans. I finally just said fine, "If you really think it's easier for you to do it, then go ahead. Here's the pills. Get that done and then you are free to go do whatever else you want today." He elected in the end NOT to take the pills and he came home for normal lunchtime. Originally it sounded like "shopping" and "going out to eat alone" were on his agenda.

We had a decent lunch. He even asked me if I wanted to go get my haircut soon (weird, he likes it long, there has never been TOO long in his book, usually I have to insist on going). Maybe he was just being nice. Maybe if I cut my hair it will be easier to not pine after me? :P I said I would like to get my hair cut soon, when we could manage it. (In the back of my mind I wondered if my getting a haircut would then validate or excuse a bunch of other money he spends on himself).

While I was taking pills over to son's school I was sitting at a stoplight and got waved at and flirted with. That sure hasn't happened to me in years. I told my H about it and that the guy wasn't even ugly. He laughed and said, "Damn. People flirting with you in the car? I never get flirted with... almost never." (Coincidentally, that one time someone besides me flirted with him, she turned out to be his "soulmate". Isn't it funny how that turned out? hyuk hyuk)

While he was getting ready this afternoon I pushed him. I asked too many questions. Questions I have asked before that he never answers. Like how long he thinks he would hang around waiting for me to try on another relationship under these same circumstances... six months, a year? How long is fair to ask me to wait? He msgs, "How should I break up with you?" (Umm... hasn't he already broken up with me, isn't that the point here? He has broken up with me, but wants to half ass it and feel safe I will still be here if he changes his mind?)

Did he want me to say, "yes, please break up with me AND stop paying the bills of our communal household... that will make me feel better." Crazy. So I guess he thinks the whole "roommates who are broken up but still help each other out, including sexually" is the nice and easy way of breaking up with me. :P

He says he hasn't felt like this is his house in 5 years (he has a constantly evolving list of complaints about why he can't hang out downstairs) ... I pointed out that it has never been intentional on my part to make him feel that way, but that he has erected this constant list of complaints that I did often jump through hoops to try and mend. All he did was complain. I complained about the complaining. See how that works? I was the only one even TRYING to do anything about it, but somehow that's on me.

I ask if his OW's house meets all the criteria? (I would guess that at this point it doesn't, but he's not ready to judge her yet for her living space, he'd rather just spend most of his time here when she isn't there). He doesn't answer.

He says, "I am being friendly with you because you want me to and I want to be." I ask, "Is friendly giving sexual favors?"
He says, "I did that because you wanted me to and I wanted to.
If I say we will never do anything together like that again will you be happier?" I don't answer. I just say I don't want to be the pressure release valve so he can continue to justify how great life is somewhere else.

He says he can play this game too, I just keep asking a bunch of questions that get more ridiculous and insulting. "It's not progress. What do you want from me."

I say, "Oh I see, it is insulting for me to ask questions to try and gauge my status in this situation, but not insulting for you to be in a relationship with someone else." More comments along this line. What is really more insulting than asking someone questions.

I ask what "Progress" looks like to him. I give a few suggestions. He doesn't answer.

I also say he already knows what I want. He shouldn't have to ask, because I have been very clear about it.

He msgs back to me, "To be a husband to you again, but I can't do that right now."

... Well, at least there was that qualifier on the end "right now." I guess that is better than "I never want to be your husband again, and that is final."

I tell him as he is getting ready to go out that I see a pattern. That since today I got serious with him and asked questions, tomorrow he will have to run out and do some shopping and go out to eat to improve his mood. He probably won't even come home at all, he might even take the day off work again. That's the pattern. I tell him if he doesn't want to keep living the pattern he will have to make a choice to do something different tomorrow. He says he doesn't know what he will do tomorrow. I say, "well, thank yourself. You are the one who taught me the importance of analyzing data and seeing patterns. So, you decide. Pattern or not."

We shall see. I pushed way too hard. I need to stop letting little things fool me into thinking it means a GD thing. All his being here means is he is a coward who doesn't really want to commit to anyone.



But then I see he is now smiling and with her in her facebook banner photo. And I feel like I should just stop fooling myself. He tells me what he wants me to hear so I don't rock his love boat, he offers me crumbs for the same reason. It's really that simple. He is just protecting what he actually cares about right now.

[JuneReN]

Lily, you have a lot of strength remaining in this situation.

I have a couple things to ask;

The first is, do you have a job? My suggestion is to go out and get a PT one around Christmas everyone is hiring even temporary. Ten-fifteen hours a week will give you some monetary freedom and the message to H is that you will begin standing on your own. If there is some reason you can't work, my apologies (I am old and don't remember everything lol)

The second is that I would not bring up OW at all, ever and start getting a crazy good life Lily. What's your GAL lately?

I should talk, I been consumed by work and school but I have a party next week and a book launch, so I am going to both

[tigerlily78]

I don't currently have a job. I have put in several applications already to places... some as far back as 6 weeks ago. Some more recently. I really only want to do daytime hours right now so I am not further eroding the life my son is used to.

Also, since H has given himself primary possession of the car, that puts me in the position of being limited to the jobs I can walk to from our house for now.

I am still not sleeping well at all, so that also makes me worry about how well I am going to perform at a job at the moment... I was hoping I would get to that place where sleeping comes easier.

You are right Kate. I should not think about or bring her up... it is just very hard. I see how bad he actually wants to try to make that relationship work and it makes me feel terrible.

I am going to have coffee with a friend tonight. That will be nice. All of my friends are moms, they are busy... getting out to do things is challenging right now. Everyone has good intentions but no time.

I do still run when the weather is decent enough and I have the energy. Not sleeping makes me feel like not running. For a few days I had my appetite back, but today I am back to feeling like nothing I eat tastes any good.

Therapy Monday. Son has his on Saturday. Boy Scout meetings next week, not sure if I will get to go to committee meeting.

[Whiterose]

I think getting a job would be great......I run my own business from home but because H isn't giving me support I've starred working outside the house and it's been good! I'm not home all day to stew and talking to people and it's good. It's hard, scheduling and cooking and cleaning, but it's good. Even though I work for myself it's different working outside. Maybe, you'll meet new people that will do things with you? They won't know your sitch so it's like starting fresh.

I completely understand what you're feeling and you need to change it up. You have to!! For you. It's actually quite energizing. I even sleep better because I'm tired and days are long. I'm eating more because you need to feed the machine.

Don't bring up OW. You validate her existence when you do. Well, try not to think about her.

[tigerlily78]

I know a job would probably help, I am trying. I really was hoping to get hired on at the grocery store around the corner. They even get seasonal bonuses and that is potentially a job with a pathway to more hours and a career eventually, more so than working part time at a pizza place.

Yes, some adult human interaction that is not focused ON and AROUND MLC drama would be a good change.

[Not Quitting]

Thanks so much again to Pud and everyone for the warm facebook welcome. It made my day to have friend requests to wake up to (even if it was close to 11am when I woke up).

Glad you found us on FB.

He even asked me if I wanted to go get my haircut soon (weird, he likes it long, there has never been TOO long in his book, usually I have to insist on going).

Do all men prefer long hair? My H prefers long hair, and even told me when I cut mine short that he didn’t like – I now have it in a similar style to how I wore it when we met and married and he didn't have any complaints back then so what's the problem now . I'd say if you want to cut it or change the style for YOU then do it, NOT for your H.

But then I see he is now smiling and with her in her facebook banner photo.

Why are you looking at her FB page? It isn’t going to do you any favours, and in fact will cause more harm than good. KP is right - don't ask about the OW again. Don't let her have any space in your head.

Pud will get this - it looks like your H could be one of the MLC triplets (only now it would be quadruplets LOL :D) with Pud's , TTD180's and mine - they all seem to do or say similar things.

[JFun51]

Gotta find us on FB. Clue me in.

[tigerlily78]

Jfun: Search for friends. I am "tigerlily DB"

I should come up. Pudmuddle DB might be even easier to find. Once you connect with someone like Pud it will suggest lots of other DBers as friends.