Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

[chasingpavements]

I think I have that book!!

[chasingpavements]

~Sharing an inspirational quote I recently read,

Our true home is in the present moment. To live in the present moment is a miracle. The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green Earth in the present moment, to appreciate the peace and beauty that are available now. Peace is all around us -- in the world and in nature -- and within us -- in our bodies and our spirits. Once we learn to touch this peace, we will be healed and transformed. It is not a matter of faith; it is a matter of practice. We need only to find ways to bring our body and mind back to the present moment so we can touch what is refreshing, healing, and wondrous.
-- Thich Nhat Hanh, Touching Peace

[labug]

Like

[chasingpavements]

This weekend we are heading down to go to a birthday party for his dad's 60th birthday. His whole family is going to a nice restaurant down in a city a couple of hours away. We are staying overnight at his parent's house. I am kind of nervous as I haven't seen his family since Father's Day! Some of them might even think we are separated! This is huge for us as we haven't done anything with his family in months. Wish me luck!

Have a good weekend everyone,
cp

[chasingpavements]

We had a nice weekend down at his parent's place. Felt kind of weird to be back at their home, but it felt comforting. His family was very welcoming. I had been nervous because I didn't know how much everyone knew (if anything) about our separation. Right away my sister in law came up to me and gave me a big hug. She kept saying how much she had missed me. I told her I had missed her as well. Then I told her that she was going to make me cry, then we both started crying! It was a touching moment, one that I will never forget. I am tearing up right now!

H was acting kind of distant and of course I thought the worse of it. I realize it's a fault I have that I jump to conclusions. I tend to overanalyze, while at the same time, realizing that I shouldn't think the worse of everything, if that makes sense. He has been acting kind of stressed out and moody lately. I'm not sure if it has to do with his university course or me.

I haven't been the greatest DB-er. To me it seemed a lot easier when he was silent-moody-distant-not talking H. Then I focused on myself and my own happiness. Now there are a lot more layers involved. He is open and communicative, and more talkative and happy. And then when he shows the slightest bit of pulling away I think the worse and my mind starts to wander to negative/worrying thoughts. Hmm.. I am starting to think I need to get back to how things were when I was DB'ing better.

To boot, my emotions have been ALL over the place! I am acting like a crazy lady! In the past week I have been acting needy and pressuring. I have done an ok job of DB'ing until the past couple of weeks. Someone please hit me with a 2x4!! I feel like I am ruining everything and doing things I know I shouldn't be doing. I am going to think of some new 180's and goals and post them soon. Oh boy!

[labug]

Continue to focus on you. When your mind starts up with the Negative Nellie stuff, remind yourself of what you know to be true.

What do you know to be true about your H?

[Ambivalent]

Hey Chasing,

I copied and pasted one of the posts from this thread and emailed it to myself.

Now as for the last big brouhaha :

I noticed it started the exact same way as the last time you tried to get him to do something...

In between you were given EXCELLENT guidance, yet it seems you didn't take it, why?

You know the one about...H. "W"ould you take the kids on this day and time and I'll have the house empty on this day and time?

This is almost exactly a format from Men Are from and Women are from...

The Martians need specificity. The need to see the issue to "fix" it. Also, to fill a love bucket, if I man says "no", it reeeeeally puts love points into their bucket if one says..."okay" and drops it. This gives them the time to think about it, a save face IF they change their mind.

What I'm seeing is ...two people trying to get their needs met , and one not be able to have time to think about something.

Your argument immediately escalated because you had expectations that he would comply with what YOU wanted.

He reacted to your statement of taking on all the burden. He hears from you...I'm doing all the work...you are not working as hard as I am...

This is heard as you blaming him.

It then goes down hill into what is known as unfair fighting.

You have pinpointed a very good thing though! You know that bringing this up at night is not good.

Perhaps, go to a coffee house, (you know the one that is on EVERY street corner now? ) Have what you NEED written down. Have what you perceive he NEEDS written down. Then calmly state what you need and ASK him a specific time and day that you can meet his needs.

If he will not meet your needs and still wants his needs met...DROP IT!!!! !!! !!! Write it down, and how you feel at that exact moment.. Bring it up in counseling and have what you have written down with you.

Share with him the feelings you feel, in the session. Do not accuse, or place your feelings above anything. State them. Stating them is not to get someone to do something...that is manipulation. It is for YOU to release them, and then let them go.

Whether he chooses to act or not is not in your control...both of you are trying to control here. Why? Perhaps because neither of you want to fail at this...He is still looking to get his needs met. You want your needs met perhaps due to the last miserable months of holding it all together.

He has shared with you his desire and need. You are expecting a reprieve. You guys haven't rebuilt trust between you to both be amenable to vulnerability.

Try taking a step back. You two are jumping into family times, without having any couple time to fill love buckets. Your buckets are dry. Work on filling those, speaking LL's.

Perhaps switch around the priority. You two first, kids come after buckets are filled, then extended family and friends?

[Ambivalent]

I also thought of something more , while showering this morn.

If he chooses not to work out the keeping the kids sit. and the counseling appt. is not soon enough. Hire a sitter. You need a break, and this is something that is important to you. Do not expect or rely on him to meet this. If he does, then you will be pleasantly surprised! This way YOU do not build up resentment for something you can actually accomplish yourself.

Do not withhold meeting his need though. For if you do , it will be keeping score and that too will bring you resentment.

Allow this to play out for awhile, he may come around on his own and feel better about it. It gives him a save face and may even let him believe it was his idea!

I would still share in the counseling session as well. For this IS a bugaboo for you.

Please know that all couples have irreconcilable issues. They may NEVER be worked out. Generally they are about core values, and to reconcile on them the individual has to give up something that is integral to their being.

Remember the mantra...does this bring us closer or push us apart?

<3<3<3's

OOOOOh to have your issue right now...oh well BUSTING ON!

[chasingpavements]

Continue to focus on you. When your mind starts up with the Negative Nellie stuff, remind yourself of what you know to be true.

What do you know to be true about your H?

Thanks Labug. I agree, more focusing on myself and less worrying about H and what he is thinking! My mind really has a tendency to dwell on things. I have heard there is a good book, the Happiness Trap that is about positive thinking, or stopping negative thoughts. I have a lot to be grateful for in my life.

I catch myself thinking, what is he thinking, why did he react to that when I said this, and is he pulling away, etc. If I can free myself from these thoughts it will help me so much.

What I know to be true... we are working on things. We are having fun together, and spending time together. We are communicating more with each other, and we are both being more apologetic when needed. We are both being more affectionate. We are doing more things as a family. He is joking around with me more and sending me more emails to ask about how my day is going.

When I did my original goal setting for divorce busting, these were many of the things that I longed for, that seemed miles away.
I have a lot to be thankful for!

[chasingpavements]

Thanks Ambivalent for your great advice on my situation, you seem to really understand where I am coming from. It's so nice to hear from you. It's nice to have an outsider's perspective!

Hey Chasing,

I noticed it started the exact same way as the last time you tried to get him to do something...

In between you were given EXCELLENT guidance, yet it seems you didn't take it, why?

You know the one about...H. "W"ould you take the kids on this day and time and I'll have the house empty on this day and time?

You are right. I never did end up doing that. He has been helping me out a lot around the house with dinner and the kids activities, all while finishing up his school courses. He has been so sweet, helping so much, in fact more than he ever has. He told me he would gladly watch the kids if I wanted to have a girls weekend away, and I haven't taken him up on it.

He also told me today that he would take them on Sunday morning for a few hours so that I could do whatever I wanted to do. He brought it up on his own without me nagging. I feel like this is a big step for us, and I take it as a sign that he is reaching out to me. It seems very out of character for him. In fact come to think of it, he is doing so many things lately that are out of character. I think it is good that we are both bringing a new kind of attitude and perspective into our reconciliation.

So your point comes at a very good time! I had almost forgot that he wanted to spend some time in the house, as we have been so busy around here. I will come up with a plan to take the kids Christmas shopping and to the library so he can spend some time in the house alone.

Your argument immediately escalated because you had expectations that he would comply with what YOU wanted.

He reacted to your statement of taking on all the burden. He hears from you...I'm doing all the work...you are not working as hard as I am...

This is heard as you blaming him.

It then goes down hill into what is known as unfair fighting.

You have pinpointed a very good thing though! You know that bringing this up at night is not good.

We do tend to play the 'blame game' quite a bit, when we are fighting anyhow. Each one of us trying to win the argument and no one wins in the end. For sure arguing at night is awful for us. I like your coffeehouse idea. We aren't in MC yet, we are only doing IC. I feel that eventually we need to move on to MC to work out some of our ongoing issues. In a way I am afraid that we are going to mess things up by trying to handle things without a counselor. We do have the guidance of our IC though, so that's good!