SM34's Post

[Accuray]

Very nice SM34, glad to see you back. There are two books on power imbalance that you might enjoy, the first one is called "The Solo Partner: Repairing Your Relationship on Your Own" by Phil Deluca. This book is *excellent* and I highly recommend it. It's currently out of print but there are many copies floating around an you can still buy it on Amazon in hard copy.

The other book is "The Passion Trap" by Dean Delis. That one wasn't quite as helpful with regard to telling you "what to do about it" but it can help you significantly with awareness.

Relationship imbalance is a major challenge for sure. If your spouse knows you want it more and uses that to manipulate you, it makes for a very very difficult relationship.

Acc

[Mimi00]

Just wanted to say its nice too see you back posting!

[SM34]

Thank you all. Its good to be back! I feel I am in a much better place now, and I can focus on learning about relationships and what makes a successful one, as well as ironing out my issues.

Thinking about my new thread and how to start it off so that I achieve my goals of learning from everyone of you who has experience in this. Keep an eye it, ill post a link to it on this thread as soon as I set it up.

Accuray please stay with me. I have worked to open my eyes more and I hope I'm ready now to absorb your knowledge. You have A LOT of knowledge! Infact, if you ever think about writing a book, sign me up or your first copy!!

MrBond I hope to see you return too. There is much I would like to discuss with you. Specifically interested in how your marruage is going, how you keep the 'spark' etc but we will get to that on my new thread.

Would love to hear from some of the ladies again....25yearsmlc, adinva, lovethehub etc..

There has not been much progress in my sitch. Still living together, wife still involved with OM. I've contemplated forcing a crisis like the book 'tough love' suggests in order to bring about change. ...

However, I'm in a senitive position because we have recently finally figured out what the cause of my daughters learning delays and behavuoral issues. After seeing a child psychologist and having evaluation by the county school system, it seems he most likely has Sensor Processing Disorder.

This explains the difficulty we have had with her. Up until two months after BD, wife was taking care of her full time and it drove her up the wall. I attribute this as part of the cause of wifes crisis and the source of some of her frustrations.

I confided with the professionals who evaluated my daughter and was advised that any changes in family setup would most likely push her to full blown learning disability level. Right now they believe they can, through therapy and a special program she has been enrolled in, help her catch up with kids her age. Any disruption to her emotional well being would probably jepoardize her ability to enter into the pre K program in August of next year. Already they are worried that they only have less than ten months to prepare her without any set backs.

So I'm I a tough spot to say the least. I'm having to battle the urge to cause the havoc that my wife may need to live through in order to see her future unfold. I need to put my daughters psychological well being at top priority..

In the meantime, I'm trying to live a separate life while still living together and still nurturing my daughters need for safety. Whether this new crisis our family has been forced into has any effect on my wifes decisions is yet to be seen.

So while we are in a holding pattern until ny duaghter starts her special education program on december 3rd and we see how quickly she responds to the new therapy, I am working on a better understanding of marriages. Need to be ready for either the piecing of my family (choice number one) or the beginning of new relationship. I'm not ready for someone new so I guess its not so hard to sit tight and see what happens with my daughter.

Ill explain more in the opening post of my new thread.

[SM34]

Accuray, I have a question regarding those books you recommended. The reviews suggest that if you fit the traditional mold where the husband is the one up, the distancer, then the solo partner is the better read.

If its a non traditional situation where you are the husband who is one down, and a pursuer then the pasion trap is better.

I'm confused because I dont know which role I played. My wife started off wanting us to be more experimental with our sex life. And she wanted us to go check out adult film stores for lotions and toys etc. I wasn't too comfortable with this and as time progressed and her asking turned into nagging and pressuring and then belittling me, then attacking me for our financial diffuculties and suggsting I was failing to provide, I began to withdraw.

So I see that I have played both roles over the course of our relationship at different times. Do I go with the role I played at the very beginning when I was a confident man, or right before BD where I had been pumelled by her for a while and was one down? Its confusing...

Which book should i read first? I'm tempted to go with solo partner simply because it offers solutions.

Also, what's your opinion of trying to correct the power dynamic while a spouse is active in an A and is distancing? Is this better left for if she ever wants to reconcille?

So much of DB is acting as if, and not challenging the WAS on their perception of reality. So what do you do with fitness tests right now? I mean that is how the power is corrcted but is that pushing the WAS away?

My gut tells me I need more respect. Not just for my wife to feel attaction but also for my own self esteem. Is now a bad time for that?

[juliegayle]

I know you have a lot going on in these posts but I want to comment on one thing for now. Your daughters diagnose. Congratulations seems wrong word but it is a good thing to get the diagnosis. Now all interventions can be focused in the right direction.

I will be following your upcoming posts as we are in a somewhat similar situation. My son has a number of diagnosis including significant anxiety. (He also has sensory issues). I feel, and S docs back me up, that shuffling back and forth between 2 homes will be very detrimental to his progress. H doesn't want to hear this as it does not fit into his plans.

[SM34]

Thanks julie. Yes, a part of me is happy that we finally know what's going on. Weve had years of struggling with a difficult child who is exceptionally intelligent but most of the time seems like she 'doesn't get it' if you know what I mean. The evaluators think she is probably in the gifted category, and as you probably know all gifted people are a little bizzare.

Yes it would appear our situations are similar. One distinct difference though is that your husband seems to want to run but this latest development is holding him back. In my case, my wife doesn't want to run and wants things to remain a they are. Commonly known as a cake eater. And now this 'issue' helps her cause, because now she will use it as an argunent against us separating.

She doesn't want to let go of me, of us, of our family. But she doesn't want in either. Its a tough spot to be in for a LBS.

Ill check out your thread today and see what's going on in your world

Keep your head up, and focus on your son. He needs you now more than ever.

[SM34]

Need help!

Wife has lost her mind. Messaged me today saying xmas is always boring at her mothers house. Lets go on vacation to anothet city. What? I'm dumbfounded. I want to say are you crazy?

What do I tell her? I'm sure she will bring it up tonight. I haven't answered her because don't know how to phrase it.

No vacations while your affair is going... but don't want her to think I'm waiting, because lately I've implied I'm not.

Why don't you go with boyfriend....

Vacations arw for families and we are not a family...

I'm a at loss of words..

[MrBond]

I'm not sure what you're confused about. She still lives at home right? You allow her to come and go as she pleases to visit the OM. She's never had to see the consequences of her actions and you've allowed her to do whatever she wants. Why wouldn't she ask you to go on vacation together?

Do the two of you actually do anything together on your own?

[SM34]

MrBond, what do you mean by 'together on your own'? Little confused..

We live together. She has a job now. She does her own thing and I do mine. I don't touch her, I don't call her, I don't message her unless its about our D.

I have tried to be as separated as possible.

I was going to suggest we live separately soon, then we had a diagnoses for my D of Sensory Processing Disorder and the therapist and school teacher advised me to not disrupt her life as much as is possible.

I know it wouldn't be me disrupting it technically, its just a consequence of my wifes decisions, but I can't bring myself to initiate something that will hurt my daughter.

Anyway, I try to spend as much time away from w as possible. I sit physically apart from her when watching tv. I never mention anything about our future or any plans etc..

In fact I try to imply that I'm moving on whenever i have the chance.

But a vacatuon together? What, would we get two hotel rooms? We haven't slept I in the same room in a year.

[SM34]

In other news, it would be her an OMs one year anniversary right about this time. But she hasn't gone to visit him in 2 weeks. Dont why and don't particularly care at this point.

I'm back in the frame of mind where I want to be begged for forgiveness.. probably not going to happen. And maybe I'd buckle with much less. But these days that's how I feel.