A rare moment of quiet. H is working late. I have my feet up, the TV volume turned down (Bill Murray in Scrooged) and am perusing the DB boards. So many new "faces" here.
To any of the newbies who might read this; HANG ON. IT GETS BETTER. More to the point, YOU'LL GET BETTER.
Not that I'm "all" better lol. But after reading some of the fresh, raw posts of the recently bombed I do realize that I have indeed progressed.
Is my marriage better? I have no idea. I don't think I have too much of a marriage right now. I have a husband, so one would think that would by definition mean there is a marriage - but I'm not so sure. There is of course no discussion of the R. There is no discussion of the OW.
On my part? Right now, no plans to leave. Not sure if that means I have plans to stay. H had some sort of epiphany a couple of weeks ago. We were in bed and he sort of gasped and said "You're trying to decide whether or not to keep me aren't you?" Such a funny way to phrase the question, as if he were a dog that wouldn't be house broken and I was deciding to "keep" him or not. But what a change too, from the days of H telling me he was "deciding".
H thinks he may be losing his mind. I have of course had the same thoughts. He seems a bit more introspective lately, and says he feels his mental abilities are slipping. Is this a progression in his path of depression? There is still anger, so much anger from him. Over things like "wasting" a garbage bag.
The gambling is fading a bit. H has found a local restaurant that is available to lease. H is warily interested in pursuing his pizza place. I am watching him, feeling strangely removed from the whole process.
The strangest new thing to report is that H has started doing laundry. I can't figure this one out. Not that I am complaining. And not that I am stopping him, or questioning him. (This is new for me. A learned behavior. I have learned that I do not have to do everything and that I am not less of a person for not being in charge of everything. Lol, I can't properly convey how new this attitude is for me. It must be like when a baby learns to walk...? How can I be proud of myself for not doing laundry, does that even make sense? But I have a huge sense of achievement over not stressing that "Oh no H is folding clothes! My gosh! That means I'm a horrible person!")
Like I said, I'm far from "all" better Lol - I'm a work in progress. A work in progress with clean socks
Gotta run.
~ Jaye
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
