Ha Rosa, it's a bit late for H to be wanting to avoid paying lawyers' fees. Wonka is right about the court costs - plenty! And I wonder if H realizes that a judge will order him to pay child support? Back child support too.
When H says that you involved the kids when you talked about items from the home, does he mean items the kids would be using, like beds and living room furniture? Is that the sort of stuff he wants to take from your home?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I will take the lack of response that your not interested
Me My response was given earlier h. You will need to make the decision as this is something you have initiated
I can do it with out lawyers if you can be fair
He's referring to me asking the boys about common furniture. I had asked their opinion based on info from drs and educators and research saying it was helpful for kids to be a part of sons of the decision making and this was a good one for kids to feel part of the discussion with.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
By Gosh! He baited you with a snarky comment and you fell for it with a response. The matter at hand is/was not urgent and does not constitute an emergency. WR, my advice is to sit tight now [no more further texts to H] and wait for Job to swing by with her insights.
WR, My first question is...is he suggesting a mediation? Since you have played volley ball a bit, I'm going to suggest that you sit tight and let's see what he comes back with.
You've got to keep your anger in check right now because it's time to play chest or poker, whichever you prefer and in order to get from A to B, you need to be thinking w/a clear head and w/your business hat on. Time for negotiating, you've got something he wants...that is a divorce and he doesn't want to have to spend a lot of money on this in front of a judge. Why? Because he doesn't have the money to do so. This can work to your advantage, but you've got to keep your emotions out of it for now. Come here to vent...but play it cool when dealing with him.
When you get the next response, try to post some of what he says and we will put our heads together and work this out okay?
At some point, you will need to discuss the back support. Here's a suggestion as to how to word the back support issues. "H, the children need clothes, shoes and the basic necessities as they are growing out of their clothes and shoes. Can you assist in providing some, if not all of the back child support to help out with these expenses?" "Also, I inadvertently sent you a reimbursement check that was actually for "state what it was for", could you please either send me the reimbursement check or a check for the actual dollar amount? It will come in handy w/school supplies, dental, etc." You can name whatever it is you need for the boys. You've got to keep his focus on the boys needs and not on you for the moment.
We will be here to help you...whatever you do, don't respond until we've chatted. There is always more than one way to skin a cat and this little stray needs some taming.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I will take the lack of response that your not interested
Me My response was given earlier h. You will need to make the decision as this is something you have initiated
I can do it with out lawyers if you can be fair
He's referring to me asking the boys about common furniture. I had asked their opinion based on info from drs and educators and research saying it was helpful for kids to be a part of sons of the decision making and this was a good one for kids to feel part of the discussion with.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Sorry double post. I'm at work. Will respond shortly
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
So - I read his email as saying "I agreed to a price on the house, but you haven't refinanced and gotten me my money yet, when is that going to happen and can't we save money by keeping the court out of it?"
I suppose your answer depends on where you are in the house refinancing issue. Possible replies below:
1) "I cannot refinance the house until our divorce is final. My attorney is sending/has sent you our proposal. If you will agree to it, we certainly do not need to involve a judge"
2) "The mortgage lender wants to see six months of child support checks before they will lend to me; since you have not been paying the support, I apparently need to go to court to get you to comply"
3) "I would be happy to sit down with a mediator once you start paying your child support"
My guess is he wants/needs the money out of the house, but is starting to realize how expensive it is to work with his attorney. Like most WASs, he wanted a zipless divorce and is outraged that you actually want him to pay things like child support and spousal maintenance.
Nonetheless, you need to look like you are moving ahead with matters. HAVE you presented him with a proposal yet? If not, you should get working on one with your attorney ASAP.
Have you figured out what to do about the house yet? If there's no chance of you keeping it, then you may want to use selling it as a bargaining chip to get more of what you need (for instance, I will put it on the market once you've caught up your arrears on the child support). If you are still trying to keep it, or are hoping to get the judge to order that you can stay there until the youngest is 18, then put that in your proposal.
WR, Your response was okay until you said "if you can be fair". That will set off his hot button. He thinks he's being fair and to him it sounds like you don't trust him (I know you don't).
Let's see how he responds. Of course that hot button may be pushed enough to get him spewing, so be prepared for that and if he does, cut him off right then and there and advise him that you will not work w/him if he's going to be nasty.
You are holding the key to his freedom and he's desperate and wants out. In order for him to get that key, he's got some major negotiating to do. Don't give him that golden key until you are satisfied w/the final outcome.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I would add that it is time for you to use what I call "Spock-talk" with your H in those negotiations. Just the state the facts and stick with them. Normally it's best to avoid using "I" since H is one of those Jekyll/Hyde MLCers and anything perceived as an attack or slight against him will set him off on a spewing rampage.
Less wordy and more concise sentences help a great deal. It would be helpful if you can post your draft responses here so you can get the feedback before hitting the send button to H. This way you'll be able to head off any potential blowbacks or spewing at the pass. I should add here...'in the best possible way'. No guarantees here.
No guarantees here.