Look what the cat dragged in! (TL)

[tigerlily78]

I slept terribly. Had an awful nightmare. Spent way too much time laying in bed thinking last night and half this morning.

H comes home for lunch and has a bag behind his back. He says he went to Office Max and that it is a "secret". He has this playful smile on his face that puts me at ease and I assume if it was REALLY a secret, whatever it is would be at OW's house or left hiding in the car. :P

I leveled with H after he put his secret away that I was not in a good state from lack of sleep. I told him about my dream (he was in it, it was traumatic). He reminds me of a show we watched where they explained dreams are often our brains way of helping us work through fears by allowing us to run simulations and puzzle out ahead of time how we would react. He hugged me.

He asked what was for lunch. I said I didn't know, I had just gotten out of bed minutes before he came home. He joked about making us lunch, but that there was only one thing in the pantry he really though he knows how to make. Maybe he was serious, I don't know. I smiled and said I didn't think I felt like eating that today, since it was going to be my breakfast. I suggested something to make and he said that would be great, he likes that lunch.

He talked about some developments at work. I was sure to validate. He was still hanging out a little and giving attention to one of our cats.

I told him I was curious if he does any cooking or washes dishes for the OW. He said he didn't think he should have to answer that, that it shouldn't matter. He got a little bit of an edge in his voice. I told him it does matter to me, because it might mean something important if he is willing to step up and do things for her that he hasn't ever really wanted to do for me. That it stands to reason that if he is investing more effort in that relationship than he did in this one, that I should be realistic about the likelihood that they will break up.

He got a little snippy and said, "No, I don't do dishes or anything at her house." I said, "Well I guess with you taking her out all the time, she is probably okay with doing the rest of the cooking and dishes." He says they don't eat out "all the time" and he goes out to eat so much because HE likes to do it, that it is more for HIM, than her. I point out that he goes out to eat with her more than he ever did with me, so it seems like it is just as much for her, that she certainly benefits from it. He is spending considerable money on her that could just as well be used for other things.

He says he hasn't spent that much on her really. He bought her something small and cheap for her birthday (discount store item? Still doesn't explain everything he bought at other big box stores this weekend.)

He also says he doesn't really do anything more for her than he does for me. That he probably has done a lot more for me actually at times. I say, "But not anymore." I remind him that he said there were many things he still thought he wanted to do with me, but I don't see him actually taking any action. He says he has asked me a few times and he didn't get the reaction he wanted, and even today on the way home he was thinking about asking me to lunch, but didn't. I tell him that just because I reacted a certain way a few weeks ago, doesn't mean that's the only reaction I am capable of. Things change and I am changing. But he has to actually try and see. He says he will keep that in mind, he excuses himself to go check his work messages.

I brought him lunch in his den (I am teary eyed), he was very deliberate is giving me eye contact and a smile and thanking me for lunch. Tells me lunch looks great. I reply, "Thank you. Now THAT is the kind of trying too hard that I like." We both laughed a little. He said, "So, you really don't like the hat?" I said, "I think it makes you look about 10 years older. Is that what you were going for?" He gasps, "You think it makes me look a lot older?" "Yes, I say. I am sure OW loves it because of her Daddy issues. But honestly, I don't think it is really an improvement. It's different, but not necessarily better." He doesn't seem bothered by my statement of truth. I said I guess it makes sense to me now that OW makes him feel special and needed and awesome, because compared to her he really is. And I supposed that someone like me who is smart and competent and basically happy with themselves maybe doesn't give him that same sense that he is desperately NEEDED. That I am sure it is appealing to be able to play the role of rescuing her from her self imposed poverty and emotional issues. I told him I think it's unfortunate that he feels someone like that is what he deserves and wants and that in some screwed up way life with me and our son is not good enough. He wants to know why I included son in the statement. I point out that if he chooses the other situation has his future, that being a real part-time, less available father is the reality. He would be choosing that role as well. He says it's not true, that I am not good enough. That I am good enough in so many ways. That 5 years ago he was very happy with me, with our situation. (Previously it was "when we moved here that he was most happy"... that's 10 years ago).

I say, "I see, so five years ago before my sister came to stay here and we took in that other cat you were happy here... the cat by the way is going to her new home this week." He says, "Those are two decisions you made without asking me... no wonder I'm not happy." I point out that I have apologized for both situations, what more do I need to do? I can't change the past and it seems like when he does think of the past he can only remember all the shittiest things, none of the good. I also explain that much of the time I feel like he is too busy and doesn't want to be bothered to be INVOLVED in making decisions, so yes, I do feel compelled at times to make decisions without him. It's not how I would prefer for things to be. At the time I thought I was making decisions he wouldn't care that much about, but clearly I was WRONG. (See? I admit when I am wrong)

He wanders off muttering to the restroom, when he comes back he doesn't address any of the meat and potatoes of the issues, He wants to talk about the cat leaving. He seems surprised, even though I told him 3 weeks ago I was working on re-homing her where she will be happier and not have territorial issues with other cats. He asked when I found out she would be going, I said I finalized it on Sunday. I told him I wasn't even sure if I should tell him, I didn't know if he would want to know that she was leaving. It's just another thing to think about and he has enough on his plate. I also mention that he was right that we should have tried to find her a different home years ago. She has caused us a lot of stress. He picked her up and held her for awhile and babytalked to her. He said he wished we hadn't kept her so long that people were attached, that our son was attached. He asked if our son knew about us getting rid of her. I said yes, son knows. We talked about it quite a bit and he is okay with it. (anyone else see the contrast between leaving your family for another woman versus finding a new home for a cat?) He says he is glad son is okay with the decision.

He gives me another big hug and says he needs to get back to working, so I let him go.

A couple hours later I send him a message that says, "I appreciated your showing appreciation today, it made me feel a little better, despite my crappy frame of mind right now."

No reply. Another few hours later I add," Also, I would love it if you made lunch for me sometime. If you were serious."

He replies, "I'll add it to my todo list."