It is well with my soul

[RosaLinda]

Hi everyone! Thanks for checking on me, you guys are just the best, most loyal bunch of friends a gal could have. I have not updated my thread because I did not want to write anything negative, and have been feeling SO depressed and down.

Thanksgiving was nice; good food, good company, lots to be grateful for. H had gone back over to stay with his mom again, for the third time in two weeks. That upset me. But S28 drove me to my SIL's house (H's sister) and H met us there. He acted really strange, although what else is new, and sat next to me on the couch during foot ball and at dinner too. But he did not say one single word to me the whole time. I was wondering if he was trying to "keep up appearances." With this in mind, when it was time to leave, I tried to kiss him goodbye. I guess that keeping up appearances doesn't go so far as to want to kiss the likes of me though It was fun driving with S28, as I am allowed to sing in the car!

I worked the overnight shift TG night, and the ER was strangely quiet, except for my section, which was full of a strange mix of patients who were critically ill and near death (which I love) and belligerent drunks who wanted to beat me up (which I don't love). Sigh....

Until this morning, H had really not talked to me since November 15th. 18 days of radio silence. Well that's not totally true, he grunted in my direction a few times, and a few days ago he said "Didn't you F-ing notice that the F-ing damper is half closed and the F-ing house is filled with smoke." Um, no. Most of the time I was the Invisible Wife (sounds like a super hero huh?) but at times I could feel anger and coldness radiating off him.

So I stupidly decided to try to make him talk to me. I went and stood next to him while he was watching football Sunday night, probably not such a good idea huh? I just stood there until he finally looked up at me, and said that he hasn't talked to me in so long, is something wrong? He sort of grunted and went back to the game.

And strangely, this strange feeling come over me. A feeling of dislike, anger, disdain. A questioning feeling -- who is this frigging stranger I have been living with for the past 4 years and why the hell did I ever think that I loved him.

It was very upsetting. I went and cried for the loss of my love for my H. uRw told me a long time ago to put my love and marriage into a little box for safe keeping, but I think I waited too long. My heart is lying still and cold in the bottom of the little box. I poked at it a couple of times. I think it's still alive, but just barely, sort of gasping for air.

I cried because he was my life. My heart leapt with joy when I saw him. He was my heart and soul. I still care about him, but that overwhelming, unconditional love seems to be gone.

I tried talking to him again yesterday morning while he was cooking his rotten oatmeal, asked him if something is bothering him. He said no, is something bothering you? Instead of speaking the truth (hell yes!) I said no and left. I figured this is good, maybe now I can start to detach. To go dark. Semi-dark, anyway.

And now this morning when I got home from my hearing, he is acting all chatty and nice, as if everything was normal. He even asked me how my hearing went, and told me about some used shoes he bought on eBay, which are, by the way, the exact same size of the slippers I bought him for his birthday, which he had me return because they were the wrong size, but refused to even try them on.

I guess it is that frigging pursuit/withdrawal dance again. We've been out on that dance floor before. I'm going to try not to get suckered into getting back on the dance floor with him this time.