Wife says she wants to leave

[ccZ28]

Accuray,

I understand what you mean. I have definitely been riding the roller coaster, but i'm trying to step back and take a more observant approach.

I feel like the whole thing yesterday may have been a "touch'n'go" because she didn't mention anything that happened. Although I only spoke to her on the phone briefly when she said goodnight to D.

She seems to have a harder time keeping control of herself when she sees me in person. Which is probably why she didn't come home today.

The Alpha/Beta book seems to have some good information. I like that it speaks more of BALANCE than of completely being a dominant a'hole (no more mr. nice guy book) There are surely some take-aways from Athol Kay's book.


Sandi,

When you say that you wanted your H to stand up to you. How? and you wanted him to initiate something other than sex?

For example initiate what we will be doing tonight? Make plans for the weekend and plan on going with or without? Confused to exactly what you are looking for.

I picked up the hold on to your nuts book.

Currently reading DR and 5LL, i'll finish these 2 first.

[ccZ28]

Journaling,

Lets see..

Last night was just one of those nights. W stayed over at her girlfriends house last night after they had their zumba class.

It was one of those nights where you stare at the ceiling. Wondering what the hell happened to your life. I felt very, very alone. Wasn't able to sleep much.

W came home this morning, I was eating breakfast so I just gave her a quick hello, didn't bother getting up. She came in to talk to me and asked if I would want to go with her and D to a live show. I agreed that would be fun.

I was getting ready to leave and wanted to say goodbye to my d. Went downstairs into the bathroom (thought W was giving her a bath) and they were both naked, as they were going to take a shower.

This was really hard for me. I have not seen her naked in about a month now. Just as beautiful as ever. I did my best to ignore the fact that she was naked, but inside I was going crazy. I gave my D a hug goodbye, stood up to leave and my W kissed me. (It wasn't a passionate ML to me kiss, but it was the first time she has initiated a kiss in MONTHS.) I smiled and left for work.

When I got in the car, I just sat and cried.

I'm going to do my best today to not think about it. Take it for what it was, and continue on my path.

[labug]

Hey cc, I just caught up on most of your story. There
s some good stuff here.

My only question at this point, is an affair a deal-breaker for you?

[labug]

And all the stuff about being an alpha male, more assertive, etc., the easy answer, be an equal partner in your marriage and probably your life.

Stand up, be counted, have a voice, an opinion. Doesn't mean you have to be an a--hole, just be a strong person who is able to express himself in a R.

Marriage is supposed to be interdependent, not codependent.

Perhaps you haven't kept up on your end of the bargain.

[ccZ28]

Hey cc, I just caught up on most of your story. There
s some good stuff here.

My only question at this point, is an affair a deal-breaker for you?

I wish that I could say that it was. But at ths point I'm not sure.

Their is quite obviously an EA going on. But I have no concrete evidence of a PA.

I guess the fact that I'm here and working on getting my marriage back is showing that it may not be a deal breaker.

[ccZ28]

Need to get my head on straight. Feeling needy like i need to Call W.

But I wont.

[labug]

Not necessarily.

Have you really thought about the work it takes to recover from something like that? The level of trust and forgiveness you have to have?

An EA is really not that different from a PA. For some people sex is just sex but an emotional connection to someone else is difficult to overcome. You're learning that now.

You can and should have boundaries to protect yourself. have you read much about boundaries in relationships? If she is dating this guy, she's already crossed an important boundary.

How can you best protect you?

[ccZ28]

This is the path I have chosen. I am not ready to give up on my M.

Will I have the strength to deal with an A? I don't know. What I do hope is that by DB'ing I will be strong enough to deal with whatever may come.

While I understand that an EA is serious business, and in no way am I discounting it's effect on a M, a PA would be MUCH more serious to me. My main Love langauge is Physical Touch. In that aspect, I feel like it would be a complete betrayal.

If there is a PA, it would take everything in my being for me to overcome it.

It would also take an emmense amount of work on her part. Full disclosure, checking in, being consistent on where she is, or who she's with. I know that trust does not come easy, it would very likely take many years for trust to be rebuilt.

While I understand the notion of boundaries, I'm having a hard time implementing them. I'm not sure what would constitute a boundary. I need to do a lot more reading.

[labug]

I wish that I could say that it was. But at ths point I'm not sure.

Don't wish for it to be one way or the other, this is the big question for you right now. Now that you'e NC, you have time to really dig deep and see what you want, what's best for you and maybe her, also.

[SM34]

I think I can relate to cc position on whether he can look passed an A.

When we have never faced one, we say it would be impossible...

When we are forced to face one, we are not sure...

Really there is probably no way to know for sure, until we have a spouse who wants to reconcile, and we can SEE and FEEL what forgiveness will look like. Until then we can only try to imagine.

Its hard to rule out your ability to forgive without actually being in a position where it actually matters and would dictat if there is a marriage or not.

Cc just wants to get another chance. Then he can see if its possible. Right now he is not closing any doors and I think that is wise because we don't know how much growth our cheating spouses may have in the future.