Would she tell you the truth if she had contacted AP?
If she did contact, what does that mean for you?
What is/was the deeper problem in your R? What was happening that made AP look so great? Has that changed?
I hope I can write this so it makes sense. If she contacts AP this time, it really doesn't change anything, even if she doesn't tell you. You're both still the same people. It doesn't make you stupid for not knowing and it doesn't make her a "bad" person, she's just as flawed as the rest of us.
However if she does it once, she'll probably do it again, and again and you will find out eventually.
She will only change when she really needs to change and that comes from within herself.
And perhaps she can change when she wants to be that person who is worthy of the love and respect of RT. The RT who isn't controlling her, or snooping on her but is allowing her the freedom to make her own decisions but who also has boundaries that protect her.
She may not be that person...there is only one way to find out.
I think the problem for most of us isn't trust, it's dealing with the consequences of broken trust, it's having strong boundaries. The what do I do if... If you know what you will do if, then you'll be OK, eventually.
I love this quote from David Richo: “The foundation of adult trust is not "You will never hurt me." It is "I trust myself with whatever you do.”
As I'm writing this, I'm looking out on the most amazing sunrise which I am just delighting in. No matter what goes on in our lives, some things are constant.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
But I want to ask her when she returns. "Have you spoken to xAP?" I'm not sure how I feel about the desire to ask that question. I'm not clear on how it would be perceived by W, but it may be a clear need for RT, and I come first. OR... is it a manifestation of the fear and pain from the original betrayal that I am trying to CONTROL?!!! (Oh lord, if Val and SD read this... I better duck! LOL! It will be a 2x4 bonanza!)
When your W returns, you don't want to jump her with that question. What would you do differently? What would you do to make W feel welcome and comfortable in her own home? Remember the goal is to bring W closer and work on the reconciliation process. If I were you, I'd greet W in an upbeat way and say that you hoped that the trip was a success for her.
From where I sit, I think it is a mixture of both control and anxiety that is making you twitch to ask W the question. Anxiety and uncertain feelings lead to control. Make sense? Sit with the anxiety and work through it. I get that you want to connect all dots and have the perfect answers on what W does while away on her business trip. What she does on her own time is her choice.
As we've all said here, there will be fits and starts alongside with some bumps as you two progress on the reconciliation path especially if there was OP in the picture.
I have a niggling feeling that W will eventually spill the beans after returning from the business trip. Sit still and wait for the waterfall to come out of the faucet.
How much faith do you have? My love has more faith than she deserves. My intellect does not trust her strength to not waffle back and forth. I think she will prolong the withdrawl. I think I'm in for a bumpy ride. Would she tell you the truth if she had contacted AP?If I asked her... yes. But I think she is still capable of lying by omission. Not telling me things under the guise of protecting me from what she justifies as not a big deal.
If she did contact, what does that mean for you?Ouch. Tough one. I am struggling with that answer. I run some excuses in my head on how it takes a while to truly end an A. blah blah blah. And I'm certain it comes from the fear of having to enforce a NC boundary when my education in this process has taught me it's almost certain I will have to deal with it (I just did with the xAP's love letter) I need some time on this one Bug. Thank you for asking it. I really need to focus on what this boundary is/will be and my resolve to protect myself. I've come too far to step back in time where the A is concerned.
What is/was the deeper problem in your R? What was happening that made AP look so great? Has that changed? Our deeper problem was sheer neglect. Emotionally, spiritually, sexually. We hit a severe financial crisis and just about lost everything. In depression, we stopped taking care of one another then we started to resent one another. I'm working very hard on my side of the street. I haven't seen significant change in W yet, but I feel she is only now beginning to look inward and that's where it all takes place. I feel like I can give her that time to work on herself. AP was a distraction from all of the loss. They worked on the road together with a company expense tab. There was no financial ruin and fear with AP. AP was a social butterfly with zero responibilites and no bills. Since W has been away, I have settled most of my own debt, gone back to school to further my income, and met, developed and maintained new friendships and a social life. Interesting this question brings that up... W has mentioned all three of those things in the past few days. My 180's make her a little jealous.
Originally Posted By: labug
She will only change when she really needs to change and that comes from within herself.
And perhaps she can change when she wants to be that person who is worthy of the love and respect of RT. The RT who isn't controlling her, or snooping on her but is allowing her the freedom to make her own decisions but who also has boundaries that protect her.
She may not be that person...there is only one way to find out.
Love this. I've thought about what it takes to rebuild trust. It will have to be earned, but she can't earn it if I don't give her that chance. It has to come from her. If it doesn't, then she's not the person I want to be with. I won't settle for anything less.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Wonka, Thanks Hon! It is anxiety and fear. My control monster I've been not feeding for so long. These are a whole new set of fears that come with starting R. I definitely feel more equipped to handle any emotions nowadays, but there is work to do for sure.
Quote:
I have a niggling feeling that W will eventually spill the beans after returning from the business trip. Sit still and wait for the waterfall to come out of the faucet.
^^^ I agree with you.
I also agree with your advice for when she returns. Zip it up RT!
Oh! Spin my main man... if your reading. I am enrolled for Spring Semester! A Writing course, A Child and Adolescent Development course, and... Philosophy. Ha! You will all be subjected to my inflated, philisophical, ego-boosting view of the world by mid-terms. ROFL!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
After not get trapped into the fight did you lift a fighter jet out of a swamp?
Stand back and make her come back to you .....and she did
you, my friend, have been doing your homework:)
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
LOL OOOOPS I was looking at the wrong page when I typed that
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
HAHAHA! Spin, you made me laugh with the Yoda accent in my head. No "ooops" no worries. I hear ya! lol!!! I did rock it that day... just sayin'!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Greatest writing advice Ive EVER been given. After writing any paragraph swap sentence 2 with sentence 1- it will make the paragraph far more interesting.
Child development- Mommy issues/ Daddy issues and dont spank, positive motivation is FAR more effective
philosophy- I think (im hot) therefore I am! (hot)
As for your sitch- If you control at this time you will fail. SHE NEEDS TO COME TO YOU. If you choose not to deal with it at this time you may want to step away. YOU must be your #1 concern
Your worth it
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
W went to 2nd IC counseling session yesterday. She was not skip happy afterward like she was the first time. Good sign I think. Hopefully they got into some real emotions. I didn't ask a thing about it. That's got to be her safe space.
From there I took her to the airport for her final business trip of the year. Her affection these past few days, since xAP's marital "reconcilius interruptus" letter, has receded. It took me a minute to figure that out. I noticed that it has the capacity to hurt my feelings, so I made the decision to pull back to my safety zone. At the airport for our goobye, she hugged me and cheek pecked. She turned to walk away and looked back to say "drive safely". Not the full on kiss and "I love you" from last time. Duely noted. If you need some space to be in your head, I will give it to you.
When I got home last night I put on my pj's, ate take out dinner and baked cookies. Then parked it in front of the fire in the den, while watching prime time comedy's on DVR. A little me time. Then it was a book in bed. I konked out by 9pm. I woke when she called me after arriving at the hotel at 10pm to say goodnight.
I awoke really stressed this morning. About the same time W called last night, older sis did too. Mom is back in the hospital. (she has chronic conditions that will eventually take her from us) W has surgery on Tue. and Mom is out of state. I was feeling overwhelmed on where I am supposed to be. But I talked to Mom (she's doing fine)and prayed. I know that my sister will tell me if I need to come... and I will. W will be fine here with help from her family.
W and I got a Christmas tree Monday night. It's my job to put the lights on it while she's away and we will decorate it together when she comes home. That's what I will be doing tonight. I'm looking forward to being together for the holidays but she has said more that once that she's not in the spirit. Really odd for her. But depression is what it is. I will lead by example and deck the freakin' halls! lol!
So my plan for today is to breathe and release the worry that is trying to build up in my life. I can't control anyone else. Just me and the energy I put into the world. This morning on the Alt a friend posted what I think will be my mission today:
"People will stop asking you stupid questions if you answer back in interpretive dance."
Ha! Step Ball Change... Jazz hands.... Come on Ruby, I know your out there dance partner!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
