ONE DOWN ONE TO GO

[Ambivalent]

1. He moved out and moved approximately 2 hours away.

He originally moved in with a friend in a room. The first five months. He was offered this place for free, and it is not as " frat house " as where he first stayed. It is quiet.

Most of his communications are by text. Correct?

No, he calls from the car, texts, and e-mails

Comes over w/a hunting buddy and you discover receipts and Viagra in his vehicle.

Yes! I snooped. He is a pig pen, throws things and doesn't clean up. It made it easy, this is same old behavior. I dug to find the V. No I'm not proud, but needed answers after the receipt.

Advises you to get a checking account in your name (only).

This is nothing really new, it was something we did with the girls and allows for budgeting. We never had a budget and I agreed to be on board with one.

Continues to complain about expenses and your lack of employment.

This has been an issue since Spring of '12. That is why I researched what I wanted to be/do. I was concerned about our future as he.

The pressure is on to get you situated w/employment so that he doesn't have to fork over his money to pay your living expenses. That's why there is so much pressure on right now. It's not about what he's spending on himself, but on what he's spending on you and the family. He's entering the very selfish mode and doesn't want to share his money w/you and the sooner you get a permanent job and making money, the sooner he will start advising you to pay certain bills, etc.

This is spot on, and he has been very upfront on this.

This is what I have wanted to be able to do. I have concurred that I wanted to contribute financially and towards our future. It isn't new, it is following through

This past August I had a plan. I would take in kids for daycare. I had figured out how much I could charge, how many would be the max. It would have brought in a good amount per month. I could still go to school and contribute. He still discouraged my idea. I even mentioned getting a boarder or two.

He thought that I should stick to the venue for which I was schooling. I thought that it was better that I brought more money in than what a receptionist would draw, and I would have more flexibility and no gas or wardrobe costs!

He wanted to dump the house, yet he knows that I want to keep it. I want to keep it because it is under and to get rid of it at a loss creates more challenges.

Both of our credit is shot. I can not find a place with the dogs, and our credit.

Now I am concerned, that is what I meant about the creepy feeling I've had. If he were as sly as you suppose, I do not believe he would let me know his salary, base and commission.

His work paperwork comes to our home. I open the mail, and he doesn't object. I see what his pay is, what the 401K is, the investments, the insurance, life and health. I have tax records.

He is open about finances, and come Jan, after commission is evaluating the move back to VA.

He doesn't want to stay in MD.

We have also discussed how much I would get in A, 80,000. before taxes. We have a list of the expenses of the house, the bills, and living expenses. We did this at BD

All of this has been open and discussed. I am a child of divorce and paid close attention. I remember my father wanting my mother to find a man and get married, so he wouldn't have to pay alimony. My H. has not suggested I date or move on. He still insists he is not "dating". What he is doing is "meeting" people. OKaaaaay. I'm not naïve , yet I'm not saying he is in a relationship either.

The money pressures are VERY real. He has been juggling bills for 3 years now.

I'm not burying my head, I believe he is trying to gain control of the bills and his life. We discussed his desire to be about him, and not all about me and the girls. He felt he has put us first all the time. When it came to money, and those decisions, he perceived us as being first.

He does want to position himself better. What I can make in income, will not affect the outcome of alimony. It would still be the same, for the amount I make in the beginning would be pittance compared to his salary.

I have seen what my rights are, and know what to expect as for financial compensation. I know our years in marriage allow me to collect certain "things". He has also technically abandoned the marriage and marital home. If I were him, I would not have left the home, for this very reason. He does do things for me, and has always been giving and generous. I do know there is love there, and he does not deny it.

I will go see some attorney's and I will consider very seriously what you have written. It has always been in the back of my mind. Probably because MY father was very devious, I have a cynical view. It is hard separating my father's behaviors and perception from what I'm going through.

I do believe my H. is not evil nor malicious. I believe he is living under one Helluva lot of stress. He could blame me and spew, but has not. He does see that decisions HE made has contributed and even caused much of what is occurring.

Thanks so much Job, I know it wasn't easy to write what you did. I do hear you, and I will educate myself even more.