Thread #4- The pivot I hoped wouldn't come

[Positivespin]

Lefty, I forced myself to begin journaling back in Feb. Originally I did it as a way to document dates and times. In the beginning it was so hard. I began writing thinking there might be an audience someday so I was restrained. After 3 months in I began to finally write freely.
Its REAL raw. Every once in a while I write "An open letter to my wife"...Im almost done with volume II . I dont dare open or re-visit Volume 1.
Volume 1 was written in a journal notebook that my wife bought me to begin writing about a trip we were about to take to Italy. The first trip overseas with our daughter. The words written were full of love for my wife and my daughter and of the amazing experiences we enjoyed together.
The first night that my wife did not come home I was so shattered that I took that journal- skipped one page and began writing all dates of significant events. I then just dumped all my racing thoughts. I remember the biggest question in my mind at that time......"Its 2am and my wife isnt home, do I lock the door?"
Like I wrote a few days back I just flipped back to page 1 of Journal II and it was amazing. I had no idea what lay ahead and the struggles id face along the way.
The Sat night entry was a huge awakening. I was still crushed and while in depression all the negativity boiled over- thats why i thought I should open the bottle of wine.
So I began to write about the feelings I was carrying through the holidays- As I was sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table in front of a huge feast that I made and surrounded by my Family....I still couldnt get the woman out of my mind.
So I write and write and write and write.
In the background the radio is on - and on loud. If I wanted to sing loud I sang loud. Suddenly Kenny Chesneys song "When I see this bar" comes on...Something tells me to look up the lyrics...yup I wrote a verse down in the journal as well

"......and a man learning to move on/Somehow trying to find his way/ A dreamer betting on blind faith/ chasing that sun and following his heart........"

and i keep spewing and spewing and singing and crying and giggling....for several hours- after dumping the vino down the sink.

When I was done, In capitalized bold letters, I wrote...

THE DIARY OF A MADMAN!!!!!