Trust after betrayal. The focus of my day. We spend so much time trying to get our broken marriages to the point that they might possibly have a snippet of a chance of reconciliation and THEN we have to do the real work. The real work as a BS. Can I come to a place of trust with W again? Do I even want to now that I am stronger? Yeah... that last one will surely catch you off guard if you ever experience it. For so long after BD we claw our way out of shock, despair, and pain, all with an extremely low and battered self-esteem, and THEN when we finally reach the starting line of marriage reconciliation... BUT by grace, we realize just how strong we are now. I realized that this marriage and this possible reconciliation are absolutely my choice. In the end it's what I want. What I am willing to accept and move forward with or what I am willing to accept and move past alone.
I'm journaling on this today because the W is going out of town on her last business trip of the year. Broken, vulnerable, and alone two states away. How easy it would be to email or call xAP from her hotel room. To allow xAP to make her feel better about surgery, to ease her guilt for leaving xAP, to pump some oxygen into the A's dying flame.
My head is spinning on the possibility and I would be blind and dead wrong if I didn't think that W has been thinking about it too. Especially after the xAP love letter/meltdown.
So trust after betrayal? I am not going to bring it up before she leaves. And I'm not going to snoop when she returns. But I want to ask her when she returns. "Have you spoken to xAP?" I'm not sure how I feel about the desire to ask that question. I'm not clear on how it would be perceived by W, but it may be a clear need for RT, and I come first. OR... is it a manifestation of the fear and pain from the original betrayal that I am trying to CONTROL?!!! (Oh lord, if Val and SD read this... I better duck! LOL! It will be a 2x4 bonanza!)
But that my dears is why I am here... to grow and understand these new fears with your support. So swing away! Lol! But really... thoughts on this fear and need to ask when she returns? Control over fear issue I need to see differently?... or acceptable to give myself while rebuilding trust?
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
