I had my X arrested today

[karen43]

Um, obviously I'm not an L, but to heck with the property; I would want an L that would have their #1 priority focused on regaining custody of the kids. My understanding was that your X was violating your agreement-pardon me if I am wrong?

Until the legal can be straightened out, which is time-consuming, I would advocate really good communication with your kids, I would make it a 100% priority to jump your X's hoops when possible to let your kids know that they are your top priority and when you aren't able to then let them clearly know why; kids are usually pretty smart imo. My X has tried some brainwashing techniques in the past too,"your mom didn't pick you up tonight b/c she doesn't love you" but it just doesn't work when you do the above I've found...

Karen

[sleeper]

I fell for the trap. Kids contacted my about time with them (X works through them, refuses to communicate with me). I agreed to time, then they texted back wanting to change time and location of "pick up" (I believe at X's instruction). I said "no" wouldn't work for my schedule. Now I'm "the bad guy", DS phoned me very angry that I "can't make time for them."

Kids were out of school for 9 days straight. I made contact with DS on 4 separate occasions attempting to see him. The "offered" time was last day of break and when I agreed it was changed.

Part of me believes DS is generally frustrated and took it out on me.

[sleeper]

For clarification I attended my son's sporting event Sat, called him Monday, Wednesday and Friday. So I saw him Sat and initiated contact on three additional occasions.

My D was also in on the phone discussion Friday, DS suggested a "conference call" (who's idea was THAT?). For the first time DS said he didn't feel comfortable around my W. This is one of several themes X has used. I think the entire response was generated and orchestrated by her.

[SunFunOne]

Sleeper,

LET IT GO! Let all of what you perceive as her controlling and manipulation go. I know you are trying to see them and it is being made difficult but most parents would move mountains for their kids. I hope you have the understanding support of your new wife who would encourage you to do just about anything to see them. So do it. Unless it interrupts your work schedule - DO IT! And stop saying "I think she is behind it all". Yep - probably but get past it. Be the bigger person. Be the Dad. Don't allow her to take that away from you.

See your kids.

Barb

[sleeper]

For clarification I attended my son's sporting event Sat, called him Monday, Wednesday and Friday. So I saw him Sat and initiated contact on three additional occasions.

My D was also in on the phone discussion Friday, DS suggested a "conference call" (who's idea was THAT?). For the first time DS said he didn't feel comfortable around my W. This is one of several themes X has used. I think the entire response was generated and orchestrated by her.

[figgeroni]

it doesn't matter who orchestrates it...

it is what it is

and bemoaning the situation and pointing fingers at her manipulation does NOT help you or your kids

yup...she is manipulating
yup...she is brainwashing

but you are doing nothing but pissing and moaning about a situation that you can't change

you can't change her and her responses

you can only change yours



change them or your children will be lost to you for good

[frank_D]

sleeper,

I get most of my strength dealing with difficult situations by using the concepts from the book "The Four Agreements" which I highly reccommend.

I personally get the most solace when I use the agreement "Don’t Take Anything Personally" which is what we do when we are being attacked.
And "Don't make assumptions", another biggie where we THINK we know what/why someone is doing things. The reality is we DON'T know.

And I agree with figgeroni, you're letting the situation control you and feed your fears which can only lead to more problems. Your kids will only respond positively if you are always positive and exert NO pressure on them

Here the are............

Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

[SunFunOne]

Wow Frank - that sounds like a great book. One I'd love to read and principles that everyone should adopt. Thank you for that info.

Sleeper - I hope some of this info is helpful. We are all on your side. We hate to see you and your children hurting.

Barb

[frank_D]

Wow Frank - that sounds like a great book. One I'd love to read and principles that everyone should adopt. Thank you for that info.

Its not a very big book. You could read it in an evening.

There's actually a fifth agreement about doubt and questioning things, being skeptical but open minded. He added it in the past few years.

I like this particular persons overview on HOE to live the four/five agreements. http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5773/Living-Don-Miguel-Ruizs-Five-Agreements.html

[sleeper]

Thanks Frank,

I have written those on the calendar on my desk. I will commit them to memory.

Nit-piky drama continues. X's L sent papers to my L. My L rejected because his said X has "authority" to enter my home (should read "consent").

I'm supposed to go to L's office to sign her version tomorrow

Kids and I are texting again. DD texted me her favorite colors (response to my inquiry for Xmas gift). DS texted confirmation he is busy with drama club play and school this week.

Any contact is good contact.