Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes

[NeedingMore]

Hello! I tried to post a couple of months ago and I am not sure what happened, but I had to re-register and here I am now! I have been reading many posts here and following along with some of the threads, and it has helped me so much already. Here is my sitch:

Let me start by saying I am boyfriend busting, not divorce busting so that is one reason that I didn't try to post again sooner. I am very confused how my relationship plays into all of this being that we are not even married. That is the problem that got me here, my pressuring my BF to get married...and I ended up pushing him right out the door! We have been together for four years, and lived together for two until Aug. 1 2013 when we moved apart.

Geez, it is hard to know where to start but I will try to sum it up.

We started out casual and fell madly in love. I was recently separated at the time and I thought it was just a rebound situation. It turned out that we were inseparable! So in love!

About a year into our relationship I decided that I needed a break because I was having thoughts of being free and single and since he was in between jobs and trying to figure out his career, I thought we may not be ready for a relationship. I was questioning it all and I broke up with him despite still being in love. This is my biggest regret but something I felt I had to do. He was devastated. I was very honest with him the whole time and we still saw each other, but I was pretty much doing my own thing. After about 6 months and when I realized he was actually moving on, I decided I had enough fun (didn't have that much anyway), I missed him terribly, and I knew I didn't want to lose him. He was amazing with my 2 girls, he loved us all so much. We decided to move in together and talked about getting married once our careers were on track.
Madly in love again...living together was a dream.

Everything was great for the first 6 months. Then I lost my job. I found a new one and that didn't work out. Then I found another which went up in flames as well. Finally found a new job and it was good at first but it didn't end up being what I thought. Needless to say I was very financially stressed out, and BF pretty much acted like it was my problem. His career was still in limbo (he is trying to become a firefighter and works 2 jobs, one volunteering and the other didn't pay much). We were always strapped, but never blended finances. He moved into my place so just paid me rent and I took care of everything else. I became pretty depressed, which I know caused me to push him away. He was always so sweet and loving and supportive, until it came to finances. Everytime I told him how I was going down financially, he would say he didn't know how he could give me more money, and would get mad. I tried telling him that I didn't need ore money, just a plan! I just wanted him to help me decide if we should get a cheaper place (rent was a lot), or do some cutting back, etc. Basically wanted him to work as a team with me. This took such a toll on us, because I could not understand why he turned a blind eye when I was struggling.

As I was getting into my new job, I was playing catch up financially, my ex- MIL passed away. We were always very close, despite my split from her son, the father of my children. I was so sad and grieving and on top of the finances, I just lost it. I tried to get through to BF and got 5 Love Languages for us to read. He tried, but we didn't stick with it. I tried emailing him and asking for specifics from him, since I had read somewhere that men need specifics. That didn't work. I got so frustrated and I began telling him I wanted to break up. He said no, I was just depressed, stressed, etc. but never offered any solutions to the issues. I asked him to help me look for new places and he would just say that we couldn't afford to move. I was desperately trying to tell him that we couldn't afford to stay!
Long story, but I ended up giving him an ultimatum...and we fought. Something that we never did, and cannot stand to do with each other. He really is the nicest, most loving person I know. I forced him to talk about our R and pushed so hard that he ended up saying that he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to marry anyone, even me. I was extremely fragile and hurt at this point. I broke it off...and we decided to move out. I changed my mind after I was too late and he got a place with a roommate.
Begin humiliation phase...begging, crying, apologizing, trying to fix. He was very distant. I ended up moving 1 1/2 hours away, to my moms. It has been four months.
Sorry this is so long...
When we parted he said it wasn't over he was just confused and that this would be the best thing for us to do. He said he was sick of me playing games and breaking up with him but he still loved me and "everything will work out".
For the first 2 weeks I initiated texting only. He would always respond but never initiated. After two weeks he started to initiate, saying he missed me etc.
We started to see each other and gradually chatting more. We see each other about once a week now, if possible (still plans mostly initiated by me), and we are making love and going on dates.
The times we are together are wonderful, like old times, except that he is still somewhat guarded I can tell. I have been DBing, and I know that is what has been working...but I feel like we are in limbo now, and I had a big setback on Thanksgiving when he made plans without me and I was upset. He had avoided the topic and ignored me when I asked about it even though he knew I would not have my kids and could be with him. I was very sad, and he apologized the next day, twice, but I feel that caused him to back off a little bit. I haven't heard from him in a few days...and when I saw something he posted on instagram that I didn't like, I said something last night (very nicely) and I am worried it was another backslide.
The problem for me is my insecurity. No matter how much contact and how great things go, I am still scared that we will not move back in together.
Since the split, we have both gotten new jobs, mine starts next week. Things are looking up on all counts and I am moving back near him, but I know he won't be ready to move in and I am having such a hard time with the uncertainty.
I have come here for some clarity, since I think I may be being irrational.
I have issues from my marriage ( my husband up and left me out of the blue one day...which I now know wasn't out of the blue, but it was very traumatizing for me needless to say). I think this has trickled over into this relationship and I just want to fix everything and get my sweet, loving boyfriend back. I have so much guilt. I am scared I may lose him for good.
Maybe this is what I get for breaking up with him the first time...and hurting him. I don't know.
Help!