Reason I recommend us get together is because she said I never took the lead enough and planned things for us. She has put her wedding ring back on, says she is wanting our marriage to work, but realizes it will take us time to rebuild. Ok, I can agree with that, so that is why I suggest things for us to do as a couple.
As for me I am fairly content with who I am in life and in the marriage. Now don't get me wrong, I have always believed we all can look for ways to improve. I would like to be able to have more time with my sons, that is a big juggling act with work being the biggest sucker of my time. I do my 45 hours a week but the commute is a pain. There isn't much opportunity for employment regaining in the town I live in and don't want to move currently as I have a senior in high school that I don't want to disrupt with half of his senior year over. Not to mention since my wife moved out finances are rather strapped. My current focus is having my oldest lined up for college next fall.
I would love to be able to work on the issues between my wife and I, however she doesn't give me much input when I ask how can I be a better spouse? She just says you are great, a great father...ok, but we didn't get to this point if all was great. She just says out is her issues that she has to resolve and please give her time. So I just tell her I am here if you need to talk, I am ready to listen, I would like to be involved as well, I hope you can give me some input. I know from the past her complaints with me were..I seemed to always be 5 minutes late, that was a simple fix, just leave earlier. She also said I didn't spend enough quality time with her, I had already cut back my hours at work prior to her leaving so now I work on making sure I devote all my to her when she does talk. I help in areas I wouldn't have before, not that I wasn't aware, it was for example, I see her folding laundry,I would have prior strolled on by so not to get yelled at for doing it wrong. Now I stop and help, even if it isn't the best folding job. She noticed as she said I can't stand the way you do it but I do know you are trying. She said I won't tell our redo what you did because I know that is me being controlling. I told her why do you think I only folded towels and socks...lol. The one other thing I can think of is she says I wasnt there when she needed me. I asked her for examples but she just says I don't remember, me either. Problem is now that she is living in her apartment and lost her job she is struggling to make ends meet. I am torn with this as I would like to help her but I am not financially able to. I took all of our debt on me when she left with the exception of her car payment, insurance for her car and her and my sons cell phones. I shoulder the mortgage, heath instant for me and the boys, car insurance for me and my oldest, their lunch money, gas, all credit card and loan debt. Oh she did take her student loans on her. So everything I make is currently going right back out. She doesn't want to move back in together and at the current point I am not ready yet as I am still rebuilding my trust, but how can I be there for her as this is what stays on her mind lots. I think to myself well you decided to leave, I assumed most of the financial responsibility, money to me isn't what marriages and love are built on. I don't say anything to her that I am thinking as I don't want to create stress nor judgments. And I also think that if she can't see that I am strappedwell as well then I am with someone who doesn't truly want me for me. I just don't know much to say in these situations. She has always been horrible with money, we never could discuss that prior without it turning into an argument. I like getting things myself but also believe in building a nest egg. That was a big issue prior for us, she had ran up a lot of debt in my name, I had no idea until I went to take out a loan to purchase my son a truck and wow what a surprise I got. Either way, we could have overcame that but she wasn't very willing to sacrifice on some extras. But water under the bridge now.
I do see some glimpses here and there of rationale, but then it is throw caution to the wind. She is so stressed, I am not sure how much to fix things versus just watching them crumble. I want to be a husband and father, the father part I can always handle. I just don't know on the other what is tough love and what isn't. I just know it is very hard to watch and be quiet. I want to step in but I don't want to be controlling about it, don't want to be the safety net even though in my mind a strong husband and father keeps his family intact and corrects all issues so his family doesn't worry.
So to catch you up, I spent Thanksgiving with her and my extended family. All went well, no issues other than the odd feeling of being together but not together. We took the kids to see the Christmas lights as we always have. Part of me feels by still doing things as a family she is getting the best of both worlds. When I pull back some she immediately asks why I am distant. I'm not, just giving you the space and slow pace you requested. One day she is wanting me to stay over, all hugs and kisses, next day she is stressed about finances and cold. I know the stress can take a toll on a person, and I can offer her help, but don't want us together just for that. She had run out of her Paxil over the weekend, had no money for her prescription, I did buy that because I know you just can't cold turkey those meds and quit. I would like for her to eventually be able to cope and not take them but one step at a time.
Thanks for everyones input and lending an ear. Sorry for the book but it did feel nice to type it out for others to read in a non hostile environment.
