Still having my good and bad days. I do great until I have to go over to her place to see the kids. The coldness, talking down to me tone of voice really gets to me, then Im bummed out thinking how challenging co-parenting will be in this type of atmosphere.
It has been a year since the BD and her attitude towards me has seemed to worsen. DB'ing has really helped me but relationship wise it feels more distant. I realize all I can do is become the best person I can for me & the boys, and except that she doesn't want me in her life.
Due to the kids I can only go so dim. never any relationship talk, just ask how the boys last few days were and just get 1 word answers, no details at all.
Doing my best to be more accepting to my aloneness and not dwell in loneliness.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
Still having my good and bad days. I do great until I have to go over to her place to see the kids. The coldness, talking down to me tone of voice really gets to me, then Im bummed out thinking how challenging co-parenting will be in this type of atmosphere.
(There are two schools of thought to this. I will speak from the one that says your marriage is completely over and you are seeking the best possible coparenting relationship possible. There is no chance for reconciliation and you do care for the mother of your children and her well-being.)
When she is using the talking down to you tone of voice, detach from that completely as if you are watching yourself on a television show. Ask yourself WHY you think she is speaking to you in such a way. What is the derivation of that attitude and behavior?
I do not think you would classify your WAW as a complete "b"-word, so something is triggering her mood and she is projecting that unhappiness, frustration, irritability, etc. onto you. Put yourself in her shoes. Clearly she is hurt and is lashing out. What can you do to help?
Detaching allows you to not take this behavior personally, and to tap into the amazing qualities you have such as compassion, love, and wisdom in order to benefit her...just as a person, not as your W.
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
It has been a year since the BD and her attitude towards me has seemed to worsen. DB'ing has really helped me but relationship wise it feels more distant. I realize all I can do is become the best person I can for me & the boys, and except that she doesn't want me in her life.
Except, as she may have figured out, she can't just get rid of you with a divorce. So it's important to truly detach from her emotionally at this stage and just be there for her as a person. If she completely rejects any offers of assistance, then of course comply with her requests.
But if she sees you as someone who is truly out to 1) help her and not 2) help her become your W again, then at least her treatment of you may change.
Who knows the potential possibilities that can come from this approach, but at least your co-parenting relationship will have a chance to improve.
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
Doing my best to be more accepting to my aloneness and not dwell in loneliness.
Dwell well!
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I guess I am not as detached as I thought I was. Even if a stranger treated me like that I would wonder what I did wrong or what I could do different to improve a relation. Pretty sure its on her end not mine.
I need to figure out what is setting her off. Should I just ask politely? It seems to be my presents. I feel that she is making it so uncomfortable that I would not visit the children, then I would be out of her life completely. I will not abandon my kids no matter how hard she tries. It has always been her rules her way. The only time I can see them is at her place throughout the week and on Sundays if she don’t have plans with them. Can’t afford a lawyer but it may be the only choice.
Just want to be the best co parents we can be to our kids. She don’t want my help with anything, including co-parenting.
Tomorrow night is the kids xmas concert. Would it be weird if we never sat near each other? Would that confuse the kids? Any good co-parenting books out there?
Labug, Nice of you to drop by! Great to see some interest in my thread.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
Canada! What part? Eastern, western or central? (Im not looking for specifics admin :))
Anyway, I do have a MAJOR advantage by kicking her out of her own house...she cant say that the place im living isnt best for D3.90.
I just want to applaud you Maritimer! You are not just making an effort but you are actively going to unfriendly territory to spend time with your children. Research states that a very high % of men do not spend time with their children 2 years after a separation. Compared to your deal I have it easy. Its gotta be real tough- but you "Man up"!
The next three- four months will be our absolute most difficult. Winter, cold, holidays, shorter days- Im upping my vitamins and doing lots of sets of pushups throughout the day to keep my head clear.
If you are not lonely you would be lying to yourself and all of us- honesty and openness is key here (many of my posts are embarrassing) every once in a while I need to read a newby thread to appreciate how far ive come. I suggest you do the same- our emotional scarring has been earned!
Cheers to you my friend!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I need to figure out what is setting her off. Should I just ask politely? It seems to be my presents. I feel that she is making it so uncomfortable that I would not visit the children, then I would be out of her life completely.
I know you need to have the most positive environment for the kids... But you can't mind read that she's trying to make it so uncomfortable to push you out. That sounds like a fear manifesting. Keep you chin up, head held high, and a smile on your face. All ice eventually melts when greeted with warmth my friend.
Originally Posted By: Positivespin
...honesty and openness is key here (many of my posts are embarrassing) every once in a while I need to read a newby thread to appreciate how far ive come.
^^^ Amen Spin. I see so much of myself in newbie threads. I even go back and ready my own from the beginning. Wowza! I think even now, we all have common emotions and feelings. We're just not in a place of shock any more so we can be more methodical in our thinking. Plus... we've learned how much we really have of the "Gift of Time" that Cadet greets most of us with when we first login.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I guess I am not as detached as I thought I was. Even if a stranger treated me like that I would wonder what I did wrong or what I could do different to improve a relation. Pretty sure its on her end not mine.
Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy? It helped me to see and understand just how much validation I was seeking not just from my W but from everyone in my life, and how harmful the pursuit of validation was to me. I think what you're talking about above is not so much a detachment issue as it is a "nice guy syndrome" issue. Her behavior is not a reflection of you doing something right or wrong, she owns that behavior whether good, bad or ugly. You just need to be true to yourself regardless of how she's acting.
This forums the best! Just when I was feeling a little down I log in, read some of the encouraging comments and I now feel great!
PS - From the east coast, 3 hours from the border. Im doing my best to keep a PMA when im at her place. All my attention is on the kids. I do ask how the boys were while im not there but not much of a reply. Getting a tougher skin but it still hurts. Newby threads will be a great idea, I feel a need to help give back.
RealityTrip – I need to stop the mindreading, its just so hard when she is so quiet. “All ice eventually melts when greeted with warmth my friend” That’s a great statement that I will continue to honor.
AS – That book title came up a few times, I have been known as a “nice guy”. I do realize I seek validation from people. Deep down I believe its her attitude and not what im currently doing to trigger it. If thats how she feels towards me, all I can do is be the bright sun in our broken family unit & hopefully see the icy shell melt from her. I’ll start to be more assertive in my communications with her, maybe gain some respect that way.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
AS- Ive taken your advice I just ordered "No more" from the zon site
-thank you for the recommendation
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
