He is playing some serious head games with me…and I don’t want to be a doormat…
My h behaves like this, too. Whenever we disagree or argue, usually because I have backslid on something, he is a master at turning things around to be my fault. It sounds like that is pretty common in MLCer's. And, they are head games.
H will threaten to move the rest of his belongings out of the house, find an apartment, etc. But he never does. He did leave one night (I did not try to stop him), spent the night on the couch in the office and came back the next morning complaining about lack of sleep and trying to bathe in the sink.
I usually just let this stuff die and not bring it up again. If he does, I just listen to him, validate his feelings and I don't apologize. In most cases, he is the one who flew off the handle and got mean and I figure he is the one who should apologize. Sometimes, he actually does.
I just try to remind myself that they are in a lot of pain and they have to have a release and guess who gets the brunt of it? I also try to remind myself not to believe what they say.
It sounds like you are doing a great job. We all backslide now and then. Hang in there.
2T2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
2t2m gave some good advice on the moving out thing. Let him do what he feels he needs to do. Don't say anything about you wanting him to leave or him wanting to leave.
I keep hoping my H will move out so he can see what his fairytale world will end up like. But he's still here.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Thanks for the advice. Because I didn't know what to do/say on Friday about my H moving out, I just didn't do or say anything....and I think that is what was the right thing to do!
I just STFU....and left him alone. Then, I got on here, later, and saw that your advice was to do that. Lol. Anyway, it worked.
Friday evening we (H and I) had to go to my S15's football game, and we ended up having a good time there and back, despite the drama from that morning.
Then, on Saturday, I went my parents' for Thanksgiving, and while H didn't go....he checked in via text a few times.
It was kinda weird. He kept letting me know where he was and what he was doing and who he was with. Then, when the kids and I got back, H came out to the car to help unload it and ask how everything went. And, we had a really good evening watching TV and hanging out. He was much more like his "old" self than in a long time. He even bought Christmas lights and told the kids he'd help them put them up this week.
Last year, he didn't even want to decorate for Christmas.
Yesterday was also good. H ran some errands with S12 and then, spent time with the rest of us before work.
H mentioned a few times this weekend that he was really "happy" and "having a good day."
He put most of his clothes back in the closet on Sunday...and I didn't say a word!
He did tell me once that we needed to move forward...but not jump forward. He said he feels like I'm trying to "jump" forward....but he just told me Friday that I'm not moving forward enough. UGH. Stupid MLC crap.
So, today, I'm working on NOT contacting him...just giving him some space.
Ours isn't so much a roller coaster as a straight up, straight down, straight up, straight down....there are NO gentle hills on my ride. Bleh.
What I'm worried about is this: H was off from work on Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights.....and we had really, really good days when he was off. He tells everyone how much he loves his job...but he doesn't. It makes him miserable, tired, and grumpy. So, I'm afraid that now that he's back to work, the bad attitude is going to resurface. So, I keep telling myself..."no expectations"...
And, Patient Man....if you happen to read this, Thursday, when H was being such a jerk...I kept telling myself this, "H does NOT affect my moods anymore....good or bad. He has no control over my emotions anymore. I am going to enjoy the holiday with my kids. Got it? GOT IT!"
Hope everyone else had an ok Thanksgiving. I'll catch up on everyone's sitches today. I've been away from the computer for most of the weekend.
Oh, Ang I'm so glad he didn't move out. That can only work in favor of the M. He is putting on his happy face because he is burying feelings he doesn't know how to deal with, so he is trying to make it appear like everything within him is ok. It really isn't yet.
I'm so proud of you for STFU! in a lot of your situations. You can see how it works now when you don't give him any ammo to fight you with. I hate to say it, but his bad attitude will resurface so be prepared. You know how to do this. He is an angry angry person inside and he has not learned how to deal with these intense feelings and emotions on his own. When you leave him alone, he HAS to deal with it himself.
Hang in there sweetie, you did so awesome this weekend.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I also had "drama" with my own parents this weekend.
As my siblings and I were loading up to leave, my parents "informed" me that they were trading cars with me so that they could buy me some new tires.
H and my parents "had it out" a year and a half ago and things are always awkward if they have to be in the same place at the same time (football games, etc.) AND my parents and H have not uttered a word to each other in a year and a half. My parents won't even look at H...much less talk to him.
And, H would talk to everyone, except my dad...but he'd says he'd rather take a bullet than talk to my dad ever again.
H bad-mouths them and they bad-mouth him...and it's stressful for me and our kids.
So, I nicely told my parents that I really appreciate their kindness but that it would cause problems with H. He is saving up to buy us tires for the car...and things are already tense.
Well, my parents LOST it about everything that's been going on. My mom was crying....my dad was yelling. I actually used DBing techniques with them to try to calm them down. Lol.
But it wasn't good. Was very unpleasant. I tried to explain to them that I believe in my vows and my marriage, for "better or worse"....that I'm not ready to give up yet, etc.
They just don't "get it"...and it was one of the hardest convos I have ever had with my parents. I can't talk to my siblings about it b/c they are siding with my parents.
And, I can't talk to H about it because things are already so strained with him.
It's just tough. This MLC stuff affects so many people...not just the spouses.
I also had "drama" with my own parents this weekend.
As my siblings and I were loading up to leave, my parents "informed" me that they were trading cars with me so that they could buy me some new tires.
H and my parents "had it out" a year and a half ago and things are always awkward if they have to be in the same place at the same time (football games, etc.) AND my parents and H have not uttered a word to each other in a year and a half. My parents won't even look at H...much less talk to him.
And, H would talk to everyone, except my dad...but he'd says he'd rather take a bullet than talk to my dad ever again.
H bad-mouths them and they bad-mouth him...and it's stressful for me and our kids.
So, I nicely told my parents that I really appreciate their kindness but that it would cause problems with H. He is saving up to buy us tires for the car...and things are already tense.
Well, my parents LOST it about everything that's been going on. My mom was crying....my dad was yelling. I actually used DBing techniques with them to try to calm them down. Lol.
But it wasn't good. Was very unpleasant. I tried to explain to them that I believe in my vows and my marriage, for "better or worse"....that I'm not ready to give up yet, etc.
They just don't "get it"...and it was one of the hardest convos I have ever had with my parents. I can't talk to my siblings about it b/c they are siding with my parents.
And, I can't talk to H about it because things are already so strained with him.
It's just tough. This MLC stuff affects so many people...not just the spouses.
Tell them that you appreciate that they care (it's obvious that they do), but if they will not support the decisions you are making then to please keep their comments to themselves.
Always honor your father and mother, but that doesn't mean they can do and say whatever they want, and that no boundaries should be established. Protect yourself from them, too, if they are bad influences on you reaching your goals.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Angela, I am glad you H didn't move out, although I also realize this means you are staying in the front seat on that rollercoaster. I am right there beside you with white knuckles gripping the railing.
Even though it made you uncomfortable and was hard, I think you did good with your parents. It is important that you stand up for your H now and maintain respect. I am sure he would have felt disrespected if your parents put tires on the car.
Isn't it strange... if we were in a normal relationship we could talk these things over with our H's and at least give them the chance to weigh in. "Would letting my parents buy us tires for now be okay? We could pay them back when we have enough saved. Or just let it be their Christmas gift to us, because I know it would take some pressure off of you." But now we just have to make decisions and STFU and carry on, and in cases like these they won't even know the lengths we went to in order to defend their manhood and ability to provide for us.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Ang, I'm sorry relations are so strained between your parents and H. It puts you in SUCH a hard position. What a difficult conversation, holy crumbs. It sounds like you did really well, DBing them and all, and letting them know that you are sticking to your vows for now. I had a similar experience with my MIL, of all people. When my H disappeared with the Russian for 2 weeks last March, she was IRATE and wanted me to kick him out. I explained what I understood of MLC to her, and she was able to see that H does seem confused and depressed and lost. And finally agreed that I should give him time to get over it. She periodically forgets and goes back to Plan B (kick his ass out!) but on the most part, has become a strong ally.
Your sitch is different because these are YOUR parents, but do you thing they might understand your feelings better if they could see that H is going thru a MLC?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Thanks PM, tiger, and RosaL...on the comments concerning my parents, etc.
I have told my parents, repeatedly, about MLC...sent them some links to read, etc. They "don't buy it" and don't understand why I keep "making excuses" for him. Ugh. ________________________________________________________ VENTING!!!!! So, my dad shows up at my job today with a sheepish look and four new tires. Said that he and my mom are just very concerned about their grandkids with those tired (the tires are almost completely bald...no tread...chunks missing...and a winter storm is headed our way this week....I can totally understand why they were worried.) BUT now H is mad!
I don't lie or hide stuff so I went ahead and texted H and let him know that I did get new tires. I told him that it wasn't meant as disrespect toward him. That my parents were just trying to be kind.
Doesn't matter. He is spewing mad.
Then, his sister and mom texted me about some stuff H had texted them today....and everything he texted them about my family and about Thanksgiving were TOTAL lies.
So, I let them both know that he is lying and his sister got mad at me for calling him a liar. UGH. I just want to go hide in a cave and be away from ALL of them. My family.....his family....him.
Just me and my kids on a deserted island somewhere.
