Wondering... for those of you that have witnessed AP withdrawl. First couple of weeks weren't as bad as what I think we are about to go through. Maybe it's because AP contacted? But I wonder... Do WAS's start to feel weaker in their resolve after the first few weeks? I wonder what this transition will look like for W? Lord knows she's never taken the easy path. In spite of this situation... I've always loved that about her.
Somebody better go to Costco or Sam's Club. We're gonna need some popcorn kids.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
She tried to bait me into a fight. If I would fight, she could justify calling AP. I refused to engage. She threw some zingers but I saw them for the pain and personal shame reflections they really were.
When she calmed. I told her that. I said, "I feel that you try to bait me into fighting when conversations become emotionally uncomfortable." I went back to work. About twenty minutes later she texted, " I'm sorry. I love you. xoxo"
I am impressed with how much self-awareness you exhibited in spotting this attempt at baiting and avoiding being pulled into it by W. Good job!
RT, I simply love the self-awareness(as Wonka said) you display and how you remove any reactions coming from you in regards to her baiting. I sincerely hope I can get to this place someday, it seems so powerful!
You demonstrate such capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize yourself separately from her and her emotions. I'm impressed. Keep up the good stuff!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Wish I could put neon lights around this and make it a sticky, this IS the key!
The fastest way off the rollercoaster (not out of my marriage... but to calm myself) was simply not riding anymore. I got off. I stopped asking myself what my W wanted and started asking myself what I wanted. I stopped trying to decipher her motives and means.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
"I am trying to understand and be empathetic to what you are going through. But I have boundaries and I will not go through "that" again. (She understood. No need to re-hash)
I had IC today and we were covering how my communication with H has changed, I don't take things personally, I don't cut him off at the knees or steamroll him, etc. But the best thing is how much more self-confident and in control of me I feel. It's amazing. I agree, Hallelujah!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
She tried to bait me into a fight. If I would fight, she could justify calling AP. I refused to engage. She threw some zingers but I saw them for the pain and personal shame reflections they really were.
When she calmed. I told her that. I said, "I feel that you try to bait me into fighting when conversations become emotionally uncomfortable." I went back to work. About twenty minutes later she texted, " I'm sorry. I love you. xoxo"
I am impressed with how much self-awareness you exhibited in spotting this attempt at baiting and avoiding being pulled into it by W. Good job!
Ya. Before I read on I have to say that was totally amazing, I am seriously in awe of that whole interaction.
*grabs biggie size D. Coke to go with popcorn and settles in*
Great stuff in this thread! RT so glad you are back and sharing with the rest of us. I can't even imagine the strength it takes to be in your shoes right now, but am so impressed with how you are handling everything - and I hope you are impressed with yourself, too!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Trust after betrayal. The focus of my day. We spend so much time trying to get our broken marriages to the point that they might possibly have a snippet of a chance of reconciliation and THEN we have to do the real work. The real work as a BS. Can I come to a place of trust with W again? Do I even want to now that I am stronger? Yeah... that last one will surely catch you off guard if you ever experience it. For so long after BD we claw our way out of shock, despair, and pain, all with an extremely low and battered self-esteem, and THEN when we finally reach the starting line of marriage reconciliation... BUT by grace, we realize just how strong we are now. I realized that this marriage and this possible reconciliation are absolutely my choice. In the end it's what I want. What I am willing to accept and move forward with or what I am willing to accept and move past alone.
I'm journaling on this today because the W is going out of town on her last business trip of the year. Broken, vulnerable, and alone two states away. How easy it would be to email or call xAP from her hotel room. To allow xAP to make her feel better about surgery, to ease her guilt for leaving xAP, to pump some oxygen into the A's dying flame.
My head is spinning on the possibility and I would be blind and dead wrong if I didn't think that W has been thinking about it too. Especially after the xAP love letter/meltdown.
So trust after betrayal? I am not going to bring it up before she leaves. And I'm not going to snoop when she returns. But I want to ask her when she returns. "Have you spoken to xAP?" I'm not sure how I feel about the desire to ask that question. I'm not clear on how it would be perceived by W, but it may be a clear need for RT, and I come first. OR... is it a manifestation of the fear and pain from the original betrayal that I am trying to CONTROL?!!! (Oh lord, if Val and SD read this... I better duck! LOL! It will be a 2x4 bonanza!)
But that my dears is why I am here... to grow and understand these new fears with your support. So swing away! Lol! But really... thoughts on this fear and need to ask when she returns? Control over fear issue I need to see differently?... or acceptable to give myself while rebuilding trust?
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
