PS: Do you find journaling and writing out your negative self-talk to be helpful? I've got a lot backed up in me, but I've been feeling too scared to let myself really experience it.
Lefty, I forced myself to begin journaling back in Feb. Originally I did it as a way to document dates and times. In the beginning it was so hard. I began writing thinking there might be an audience someday so I was restrained. After 3 months in I began to finally write freely. Its REAL raw. Every once in a while I write "An open letter to my wife"...Im almost done with volume II . I dont dare open or re-visit Volume 1. Volume 1 was written in a journal notebook that my wife bought me to begin writing about a trip we were about to take to Italy. The first trip overseas with our daughter. The words written were full of love for my wife and my daughter and of the amazing experiences we enjoyed together. The first night that my wife did not come home I was so shattered that I took that journal- skipped one page and began writing all dates of significant events. I then just dumped all my racing thoughts. I remember the biggest question in my mind at that time......"Its 2am and my wife isnt home, do I lock the door?" Like I wrote a few days back I just flipped back to page 1 of Journal II and it was amazing. I had no idea what lay ahead and the struggles id face along the way. The Sat night entry was a huge awakening. I was still crushed and while in depression all the negativity boiled over- thats why i thought I should open the bottle of wine. So I began to write about the feelings I was carrying through the holidays- As I was sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table in front of a huge feast that I made and surrounded by my Family....I still couldnt get the woman out of my mind. So I write and write and write and write. In the background the radio is on - and on loud. If I wanted to sing loud I sang loud. Suddenly Kenny Chesneys song "When I see this bar" comes on...Something tells me to look up the lyrics...yup I wrote a verse down in the journal as well
"......and a man learning to move on/Somehow trying to find his way/ A dreamer betting on blind faith/ chasing that sun and following his heart........"
and i keep spewing and spewing and singing and crying and giggling....for several hours- after dumping the vino down the sink.
When I was done, In capitalized bold letters, I wrote...
THE DIARY OF A MADMAN!!!!!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Ive achieved closure with my Cruise mate (or as much as possible). We skyped for the first time since the boat ride (previously texts and email) and I now know that it is what it was and cant be anything more.
Taking AnotherStanders advice to a friend I just ordered myself a copy of "No more Mr. Nice guy". Im realizing that my need to make everyone else happy is seriously short changing my life. There was a number of pages free to read on the "zon" site and it hit hard........I now feel like everytime I "learn about myself" im really learning what else is wrong with myself.
My first mediation appt has been confirmed for 12/19.
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Ruby, She told me she was training for the Montreal- New York run. As soon as I heard that I thought of you and smiled.......are you doing that run?
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I want to but I have to complete my internship and Master's so the most is training for the half.
It is my goal to finish my degree, get working and give H some financial (and Ruby) freedom. Only then do I feel he can make a decision as to what he wants to do.
Funny, these days? I am good with either
If I get my loans etc. in due time I wanna do some shopping. I'll get in touch if I'm down your way.
Just jumped on here tonight to catch up with a few friends!!
PS- GOod to hear you are ready and have an open heart to love again. BUt, I agree it was a stepping stone to find the one you are meant to spend "the rest of your life with!" Sorry for the heartbreak, but you are so vulnerable right now, it is very understandable.
Again, I agree that if there is one woman who wants you out there there are LOTS--- and I know there will be!!!!
I am in a new R and it is amazing...but I am very leary of heartbreak around every corner so am cautious about protecting my heart.
Going to post tonight so come visit me! (Also, text me any time!) Miss you!
-turtle
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Taking AnotherStanders advice to a friend I just ordered myself a copy of "No more Mr. Nice guy". Im realizing that my need to make everyone else happy is seriously short changing my life. There was a number of pages free to read on the "zon" site and it hit hard........I now feel like everytime I "learn about myself" im really learning what else is wrong with myself.
I know that feeling! We LBS's are kind of like hypochondriacs, every time we read something new we're like "Oh crap, this is wrong with me too!" LOL! That book was a big help to me though, because I had no idea how much validation I was seeking from others until I read it. Just knowing about it is 3/4 of the battle to breaking those bonds that keep us tied to others and giving us the freedom to enjoy life on OUR terms.
