Still trying to get up that great Big Hill...

[Pudmuddle]

hello busting, I used to get the grunt too, now at least I get words...small positive.

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The days after thanksgiving were odd to say the least. I felt so alone most of the weekend. On Friday, S and H went out motocross riding at a friend's house who has a nice dirt track. By myself most of the day, they didn't invite me. Then on Saturday, S and H spent most of the day in the garage working on bikes and cars...By myself most of the day. Then on Sunday they went out riding again, I was by myself most of the day. So Sunday I got in my car and went for a long drive, to places here that I've never seen and always wanted to. I left a note on the garage door that I went out and would be back in a while.

When I got home before dinner time, I see a note on the garage door. 'I went out for football night and S is with friend, he will be home at 8:30'. So I spent the night with..you guessed it ...myself. I took a bath with candles, painted my toenails, but was completely lonely and longing for someone to spend time with. It really sucked as far as the pma...

We did spend Fri and Sat nights together as a family but it was watching tv, not really interacting or anything. Bo-ring.

For some reason I felt kind of miffed that he would leave a note where I would leave a note and because I left a note. LOL, I know it's stupid but it kind of hurt for some reason.

Then after S and I were asleep and H got home around 10ish. He puttered around getting ready for bed and then it was all quiet. I came downstairs and into his room and couldn't see a dang thing, so i said where are you and was feeling the air. I lay down on the bed next to him and said 'Can you hold me?' He just said 'why's that?' I didn't answer and just grabbed his hand and brought it over me so we could spoon. There were no objections from him and he even grabbed my thumb and was holding it tight. We lay there like that for about 10 minutes. I was trying hard not to cry.

Then after a few he started getting really hot and sweaty, (he's always been on the warm side) and he removed his arm and lay on his back. After a few minutes, I sat up and said 'where are you' again, cuz it was so dang dark in that room and he sat up on one arm and said 'here. just got all sweaty' At that point we hugged a long hug and I said 'thanks for cuddling' and left the room.

Then I went upstairs and quietly bawled my eyes out. Shiz.

Then this morning I didn't have my lights on in my room and was still snoozing. Normally he wouldn't bug me if my lights were off but he actually came up the stairs and poked his head in the door and said 'Hey have a good day' kind of softly, like he knew I was feeling low. I said 'thanks you too' and he left.

So today, I am going to distance, although it feels like this weekend there was a lot of distance on his part.

The loneliness while struggling with all of these intense feelings is so freakin' hard. I know we all feel it, so my HUGS to you all.