I have been insanely busy. Things have been back and forth a bit with W. I've had the hardest time dealing with the OM - not the A itself. I realize that was meaningless and nothing, but the guy is a horrible fat ugly slob. W even said he is ugly and fat; so I guess it makes me wonder if she can possibly have any idea of what it means to love someone and have a meaningful relationship, including a physical one?
However, she has never wavered from what she said originally about being all in 100%. She said even the A itself was nothing; she felt absolutely nothing when it happened, and it only happened because she thought we were irreparably broken and I was her only chance at a real relationship so she had nothing left, and nothing really mattered. She told me a few days ago that she literally never thinks about OM at all unless it comes up in R talks, and when it does, she is disgusted by him. She said the A is really what made her realize how dead she was inside, and she couldn't stand the mess she had made of her marriage, and needed to fix it.
She has always locked her phone since I've known her, and she leaves it unlocked now, and leaves it lying around. She asks me to come over all the time, hugs and kisses constantly. Always tries to initiate ML. A couple weeks ago, I asked about a phone number, and it was her boss and she told me I can call any number I see, read her email, log into her Facebook.
I actually looked at her Facebook, and she not only blocked OM, but his entire family, and most of the "new" friends she had made for the time we were separated. I didn't even ask for that, but she said she wanted a clean break, and they hadn't been good for her.
We went to TN for Wed-Friday because both of our sets of kids where with the other parents; had a good time. W had never been there so I got to share some cool places and memories with her. Our drive home, she opened up in ways she never has, admitting a lack of relationships on any level (including family and friends), admitting she has been a bad step-mom because she resented my closeness with the kids, lots more.
We are starting counseling next week, and we're both not only ready for it, but looking forward to it. I think it's good that we have the zeal, but are willing to allow a professional to help us build the path...
