Blinded by the lights

[LJC]

Hello all

I was going to post lastnite but I was so tired I thought it could wait till now, I'm pleased I did wait as it means I can add to the story which you will read in a minute (depending how fast you read of course!)

I suppose this is more of a journal and certainly isn't worthy of a new thread title as in a way this is relevant.

I had kids over weekend which was great fun as always, I even got S4 to ride his bike without stabilisers which was such a proud moment for me to see, I even snap chatted a video of this to W (rightly or wrongly). Half hour before the kids were due back at W's I received a text message from her saying she was round her parents because her brother and his wife (who is heavily pregnant) were down and could I drop the kids of there which is no prob as we all live very close together! In the text she added 'u could pop in if you wanted as you haven't seen them in ages'. My first impression of this was 'oh no not tonite' as I was really tired and not up for 'being the best I could be!'

I took them round and went in to the in laws and I got a good reception, they was sitting around the dinner table and asked if I wanted a glass of wine which I initially refused and got distracted in helping BIL with the new pram they had bought. After this I sat down at the table without thinking and before I knew it I had a glass of red in front of me and was eating cheese and biscuits! I surprisingly had a good time catching up with everyone even tho I was in my W's parents house with W and the in laws! I always feel awkward around W, I think its because I'm always in DB'ing mode and I'm always careful with words and actions as I know she'll be watching my every move and listening to everything I say but I lasted 3 hours (time flew by!). In the end I actually left with W and kids and walked a little way with them until the corner where she goes one way and I go the other, I said my goodbyes to the kids, by this time W had started walking so no goodbye kiss but I didn't expect that so didn't beat myself up.

I'm writing this down as it gave me great insight as to what Xmas might be like there!

Anyway, today I received a phone call from the Brother In Law who was there lastnite saying that it was good to see me as it has been ages, I said I know it was a good night and that his W, (my SIL I suppose?) looked great considering she only had 5 weeks till baby was due! We talked back a forth and he. Brought up what I was doing for Xmas (I'm sure he must have known about my invite to his parents??) I mentioned I had an offer from W but hadn't accepted yet because I wanted to to discuss it with my parents. He understood and said he'd make an appearance there Xmas day at some point. All in all it was nice for him to phone but I find it strange that he ask about Xmas, like he was fishing?? I don't know how that sounds?

One things for sure, this experience is the toughest ever and I can see why some people just 'move onto the next' I'm determined to see this through and if ever I get to hold my W in my arms again she will see a changed man.

Thanks