Sorry you are having a tough time. I understand how you feel - the uncertainty is very difficult.
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If I am happy then I know WH will relax and think - good that is over.. she is happy so now I don’t have to worry about her.. and I can continue doing what I want.. I know that . It is him avoid conflict and confrontation and hurt feelings and crying.
I know it feels like that - and you may be right. I will say that fighting him on it and crying will certainly do you no good, and will only make things worse. So you don't really have much of a choice other than to conduct yourself with dignity. It is possible that your H will feel relieved, but who knows how long that will last. Since you cannot know nor control how your H will feel, you need to focus on behaving in a way that makes YOU feel good about YOU. I can tell by your posts that you already know that, just keep reminding yourself. I know it may seem like small solace right now, but you won't feel this way forever.
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I keep fearing I will come home and he will have been here with a truck, taken the furniture he wants and say nothing..
This not knowing is driving me crazy.. and while I know I need to move on.. it is hard when I do not know where I will be living, working , how much money I will have, what furniture I will have.. nothing...
Well, at some point, you will need to tackle these issues, but it isn't necessarily now. If you can, take one day at a time. Now is not a good time for you to be making big life decisions anyway. So focus on GAL, GAL, GAL, and taking care of yourself. Make a list each day of what you want and need to do. Make sure GAL and PMA are on that list. When you feel down, accept that you are going through a very hard time and you are going to feel bad, but refocus on doing the things you know will be good for you. At the end of the day, don't gauge your success on whether your H has come back home; gauge it on whether you have done the things on your list - did you have a good PMA? Did you do GAL activities? Did you behave (with H and others) in accordance with the person you want to be?
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I tried that the last time he was home.. steeled myself to not ask questions ( that is controlling) made myself not ask about his plans or relationship talk ( 37 steps advice) practiced validating to myself so it was more natural when I would use it for him
I was ready and also 180 becuae I use to drive all the conversations
so what happened
NOTHING
we walked the dog, cooked and ate, watched T V talked about the week a very little
and generally felt uncomfortable with each other...
then he left..
so that did not work really
Lou, you already know this, but sometimes with DBing, it takes a LONG time to see any kind of results. Sometimes an interaction that isn't negative is a success. Each time he has an interaction with you where you are not controlling, there is no conflict, and you seem happy, it will stick in his head, and eventually he will realize that's just how you are now.
Only you know how much uncertainty you can handle. If certainty is your top priority, maybe you should talk with H sooner rather than later. Next time he says you should talk, set up a time and place.
Take care of yourself, today, Lou!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Hi JG thanks for your thoughts I read your thread too.. any advice I can get except my own random out of control thoughts is a help
You are right in that he thinks he has probably said he needs space and the OW well that just makes it even more difficult to connect with him at any level I am doing better within myself..am better at controlling my " make up a story about what he is doing thoughts" better at hoping so much this will end that I start to feel that it has.. keep saying patience..am developing patience..
so he has a lot of space..so do I!
My coach said to keep some mid week contact and we have , up until now spoken on the weekends..
then
I wonder about the contact .. I jump to the wrong conclusion on every friendly word.. know I shouldn't but...
I talked to a friend last night and that helped.. sharing a little with people really does help
and I love the virtual cup of tea..just what I needed and you are right.. this is going to take a long time and I need to put my natural reactions to one side.. because they are all wrong. I remember Melissa saying she missed the days when she did not have to over think every interaction.. I totally agree. The question is am I working on myself.. I try to.. I certainly am calmer..
i also miss the days when life was safe and secure I knew ( or thought I knew) where it was heading.. Now i don't even know if it will be the dog and I for Christmas lunch or the 3 of us..
thanks I needed that reminder about I can't control him..
I guess I am reacting to being disappointed because we were going to meet up..maybe it looked like pursuing though he suggested we meet but then I was on his side of the country.. ( not sure when he decided to divide up the country!) I had fun with my friends anyway
Good good advice.. I will reread these posts from today when I next start to set up my pity party for me..
I should be more patient I think with the conversations about the future. ( remember the rule about no future talk) Just have to set a boundary that chnages to bank accounts need to be discussed with me..
and a good reminder any positive interaction is a good thing.. I had sort of forgotten that one.. thanks for the good advice.. I needed that Loua
Hey Juliegayle that dog is such a goofy pup. Before my H decided that the marriage had been over for a long time. He spent 2 weeks of his holidays getting up early, taking the dog for a walk and then holding him on his knee while he read the paper. I woke every day to the 2 of them sitting in the sun.
Now I see him trying to detach himself from everything here, things he loved 3 months ago and the pup is one of those things. It was painful to watch him trying to avoid apuppy who adores him. The pup doesn't notice and still acts like my H still loves him. Actually the antics made us laugh lasting time he was here so a good thing..
That puppy has saved my sanity these last 10 weeks..such a sweetheart..
I wish I had a dog. I always had a big goofy dog (Golden Retrievers) growing up, but my D9 is inexplicably allergic to dogs. I just have a cat who likes the kids better than me, so when they are with H, he walks around meowing, scratches the furniture, and sleeps outside the doors to the kids' rooms waiting for them to come out.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
This guy is a Swiss mountain dog. He will weigh 45 kilos (multiple by 2.5 for pounds) when he is finished growing. and he is clown.if you laugh at him he will keep doing the same thing..like rolling around with his legs in the air like a beetle..hilarious have you thought about a poodle golden retreiver cross. My friend has one supposed to not be so bad for allergies.. good dog.. smart.
I can remember when I was counting the nights I didn't need to have Big Pharma help in sleeping! Good for you. I cleaned my medicine cabinet a few weeks ago and noticed the ambien bottle and it was good to realize I hadn't even thought about it for a long time.
You'll get there, too.
About limbo being your current place, do you really feel that you're in limbo or are you doing what you want to do (given the circumstances) and creating the life you want to live?
That's how you move out of limbo.
I think saying you're in limbo gives some of your power away. What do you think?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
actually you are right we were supposed to telephone tonight.. I think he is not going to and you know what.. it is bit sad but i am not devastated.. I hvae had a long but productive day at work a good friend wrote offering supportby travelling 5 hours to stay with me and my goof ball dog loves me more than ever.. good thought and somehow I have signed myself up to train to run a half marathon!!!!! really I amsure that was in the fine print... so need to change that signature thanks
