I would just accept the hugs and kisses as something that he did out of habit.
If it was a habit we had, I would agree with you. It wasn't. We would peck, when we said goodbye. These were real hugs and firm kisses on the mouth.
Either testing himself, or LL kind of feeling. It wasn't awkward, they felt almost needy. (?)
Quote:
Yes, he' distancing himself because of the holidays and whatever he's doing in his own personal life right now. How did he act on Thursday? Normal, not really there, etc? Did you notice his eyes? Where they sparkly or dull/dead, not sparkle at all?
He was somewhere else. Not himself. This is the first I've seen a form of pain? No, twinkle. Not flat, but he was in his head, and observing occasionally.
He wasn't loving and touchy with the daughters. He was more somber. He is a VERY competitive person, with stories and conversation. He wasn't behaving this way. He was a one up storyteller, NONE of that.
He seemed quiet, distracted, at times amused. Normally he is charming. No charm, no happiness.
I wonder how uncomfortable he was really feeling. He was acting , he was masking. I could see it, but acted "as if" so all would enjoy the eve.
I wonder what amount of guilt he is feeling. I know he feels it, because of the times he has spoken, written and expressed it. He does have a conscience, this is part of his torment. I'm sure my unusual behavior for a LBS has him puzzled and confused too.
This is the first time where I could see him for several hours, and he seemed tired. Worn out, and yes maybe even depressed.
Weird how they think leaving us will "change" things. Except the change isn't exactly how they perceived it to be.
He still has a ton of bills, the stress with what that brings. Now he is alone quite a bit with his thoughts. He has to take a blue pill to sustain an erection, and not with me. He has to do it with someone else. That has to be a punch in the stomach!
He has to come to terms with what staying out late and getting up early does to his 55 year old body. He is pre-diabetic, and must exercise regularly to control it, not just to look better but for true health reasons.
I vacillate between pity and sorrow. I still have pain, but this is the first time I could see his. I see where distance would be desired.
Why is it that an intelligent being can lose all rational thought? It makes me never want to vote for a President during the years crisis usually happen. We should only vote for someone in their late 60's.
It is so unnerving. I hope he doesn't become erratic or do more damage. It is difficult enough as it is now.
I'm detaching more and able to look down from the ceiling. Yes, I cry now and again. Not like I used to , I go with it and then it's over. I don't look forward to seeing him. It is an uncomfortable feeling to acknowledge.
It seems almost like work. I am starting to pull away and feel as if I will lose my love for him. As if this shell of a human is not even a friend. For with friends there is some form of connection. I am losing this, I do feel the pain of feeling this. I don't like this feeling, and it hurts to be so alienated.
I go between numb and sorrow. I still prefer not to be with friends. The dancing gives me SO much more. I don't have to pretend, or explain.
I can just feel the music, dance , and smile from ear to ear. It is truly better than anything I could imagine...who'd a thunk?
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
